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went back to bed again； thinking the incident closed。 Ten minutes
afterwards there came a violent ringing of the electric bell。 I
tried to ignore it； but it was too persistent； and； putting on my
dressing gown； I went down to the gate。 A policeman was standing
there。 He had all the things I had been throwing out of the window
in a little heap in front of him； all except the egg。 He had
evidently been collecting them。 He said：
〃Are these things yours？〃
I said： 〃They were mine； but personally I have done with them。
Anybody can have themyou can have them。〃
He ignored my offer。 He said：
〃You threw these things out of window。〃
〃You are right；〃 I admitted； 〃I did。〃
〃Why did you throw them out of window？〃 he asked。 A German
policeman has his code of questions arranged for him； he never
varies them； and he never omits one。
〃I threw them out of the window at some cats；〃 I answered。
〃What cats？〃 he asked。
It was the sort of question a German policeman would ask。 I
replied with as much sarcasm as I could put into my accent that I
was ashamed to say I could not tell him what cats。 I explained
that； personally； they were strangers to me； but I offered； if the
police would call all the cats in the district together； to come
round and see if I could recognise them by their yaul。
The German policeman does not understand a joke； which is perhaps
on the whole just as well； for I believe there is a heavy fine for
joking with any German uniform； they call it 〃treating an official
with contumely。〃 He merely replied that it was not the duty of the
police to help me recognise the cats； their duty was merely to fine
me for throwing things out of window。
I asked what a man was supposed to do in Germany when woke up night
after night by cats； and he explained that I could lodge an
information against the owner of the cat； when the police would
proceed to caution him； and； if necessary； order the cat to be
destroyed。 Who was going to destroy the cat； and what the cat
would be doing during the process； he did not explain。
I asked him how he proposed I should discover the owner of the cat。
He thought for a while； and then suggested that I might follow it
home。 I did not feel inclined to argue with him any more after
that； I should only have said things that would have made the
matter worse。 As it was； that night's sport cost me twelve marks；
and not a single one of the four German officials who interviewed
me on the subject could see anything ridiculous in the proceedings
from beginning to end。
But in Germany most human faults and follies sink into comparative
insignificance beside the enormity of walking on the grass。
Nowhere； and under no circumstances； may you at any time in Germany
walk on the grass。 Grass in Germany is quite a fetish。 To put
your foot on German grass would be as great a sacrilege as to dance
a hornpipe on a Mohammedan's praying…mat。 The very dogs respect
German grass； no German dog would dream of putting a paw on it。 If
you see a dog scampering across the grass in Germany； you may know
for certain that it is the dog of some unholy foreigner。 In
England； when we want to keep dogs out of places； we put up wire
netting； six feet high； supported by buttresses； and defended on
the top by spikes。 In Germany； they put a notice…board in the
middle of the place； 〃Hunden verboten；〃 and a dog that has German
blood in its veins looks at that notice…board and walks away。 In a
German park I have seen a gardener step gingerly with felt boots on
to grass…plot； and removing therefrom a beetle； place it gravely
but firmly on the gravel； which done； he stood sternly watching the
beetle； to see that it did not try to get back on the grass； and
the beetle； looking utterly ashamed of itself； walked hurriedly
down the gutter； and turned up the path marked 〃Ausgang。〃
In German parks separate roads are devoted to the different orders
of the community； and no one person； at peril of liberty and
fortune； may go upon another person's road。 There are special
paths for 〃wheel…riders〃 and special paths for 〃foot…goers；〃
avenues for 〃horse…riders；〃 roads for people in light vehicles； and
roads for people in heavy vehicles； ways for children and for
〃alone ladies。〃 That no particular route has yet been set aside
for bald…headed men or 〃new women〃 has always struck me as an
omission。
In the Grosse Garten in Dresden I once came across an old lady；
standing； helpless and bewildered； in the centre of seven tracks。
Each was guarded by a threatening notice； warning everybody off it
but the person for whom it was intended。
〃I am sorry to trouble you；〃 said the old lady； on learning I could
speak English and read German； 〃but would you mind telling me what
I am and where I have to go？〃
I inspected her carefully。 I came to the conclusion that she was a
〃grown…up〃 and a 〃foot…goer；〃 and pointed out her path。 She looked
at it； and seemed disappointed。
〃But I don't want to go down there；〃 she said； 〃mayn't I go this
way？〃
〃Great heavens； no； madam！〃 I replied。 〃That path is reserved for
children。〃
〃But I wouldn't do them any harm；〃 said the old lady； with a smile。
She did not look the sort of old lady who would have done them any
harm。
〃Madam；〃 I replied； 〃if it rested with me； I would trust you down
that path； though my own first…born were at the other end； but I
can only inform you of the laws of this country。 For you； a full…
grown woman； to venture down that path is to go to certain fine； if
not imprisonment。 There is your path； marked plainlyNur fur
Fussganger； and if you will follow my advice； you will hasten down
it； you are not allowed to stand here and hesitate。〃
〃It doesn't lead a bit in the direction I want to go；〃 said the old
lady。
〃It leads in the direction you OUGHT to want to go；〃 I replied； and
we parted。
In the German parks there are special seats labelled； 〃Only for
grown…ups〃 （Nur fur Erwachsene）； and the German small boy； anxious
to sit down； and reading that notice； passes by； and hunts for a
seat on which children are permitted to rest； and there he seats
himself； careful not to touch the woodwork with his muddy boots。
Imagine a seat in Regent's or St。 James's Park labelled 〃Only for
grown…ups！〃 Every child for five miles round would be trying to
get on that seat； and hauling other children off who were on。 As
for any 〃grown…up；〃 he would never be able to get within half a
mile of that seat for the crowd。 The German small boy； who has
accidentally sat down on such without noticing； rises with a start
when his error is pointed out to him； and goes away with down…cast
head； brushing to the roots of his hair with shame and regret。
Not that the German child is neglected by a paternal Government。
In German parks and public gardens special places （Spielplatze） are
provided for him； each one supplied with a heap of sand。 There he
can play to his heart's content at making mud pies and building
sand castles。 To the German child a pie made of any other mud than
this would appear an immoral pie。 It would give to him no
satisfaction： his soul would revolt against it。
〃That pie；〃 he would say to himself； 〃was not； as it should have
been； made of Government mud specially set apart for the purpose；
it was nor manufactured in the place planned and maintained by the
Government for the making of mud pies。 It can bring no real
blessing with it； it is a lawless pie。〃 And until his father had
paid the proper fine； and he had received his proper licking； his
conscience would continue to trouble him。
Another excellent piece of material for obtaining excitement in
Germany is the simple domestic perambulator。 What you may do with
a 〃kinder…wagen；〃 as it is called； and what you may not； covers
pages of German law； after the reading of which； you conclude that
the man who can push a perambulator through a German town without
breaking the law was meant for a diplomatist。 You must not loiter
with a perambulator； and you must not go too fast。 You must not
get in anybody's way with a perambulator； and if anybody gets in
your way you must get out of their way。 If you