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them crying and the third one half asleep。 Before I could get away
she had shot the brats into the cab； taken my number； paid me； so
she said； a shilling over the legal fare； and directed me to an
address a little beyond what she called North Kensington。 As a
matter of fact； the place turned out to be the other side of
Willesden。 The horse was tired； and the journey took us well over
two hours。 It was the slowest lark I ever remember being concerned
in。 I tried one or twice to persuade the children to let me take
them back to the old lady： but every time I opened the trap…door
to speak to them the youngest one； a boy； started screaming； and
when I offered other drivers to transfer the job to them； most of
them replied in the words of a song popular about that period：
'Oh； George； don't you think you're going just a bit too far？' One
man offered to take home to my wife any last message I might be
thinking of； while another promised to organise a party to come and
dig me out in the spring。 When I mounted the dickey I had imagined
myself driving a peppery old colonel to some lonesome and cabless
region； half a dozen miles from where he wanted to go； and there
leaving him upon the kerbstone to swear。 About that there might
have been good sport or there might not； according to circumstances
and the colonel。 The idea of a trip to an outlying suburb in
charge of a nursery full of helpless infants had never occurred to
me。 No； London；〃 concluded my friend the churchwarden with a sigh；
〃affords but limited opportunity to the lover of the illegal。〃
Now； in Germany； on the other hand； trouble is to be had for the
asking。 There are many things in Germany that you must not do that
are quite easy to do。 To any young Englishman yearning to get
himself into a scrape； and finding himself hampered in his own
country； I would advise a single ticket to Germany； a return；
lasting as it does only a month； might prove a waste。
In the Police Guide of the Fatherland he will find set forth a list
of the things the doing of which will bring to him interest and
excitement。 In Germany you must not hang your bed out of window。
He might begin with that。 By waving his bed out of window he could
get into trouble before he had his breakfast。 At home he might
hang himself out of window； and nobody would mind much； provided he
did not obstruct anybody's ancient lights or break away and injure
any passer underneath。
In Germany you must not wear fancy dress in the streets。 A
Highlander of my acquaintance who came to pass the winter in
Dresden spent the first few days of his residence there in arguing
this question with the Saxon Government。 They asked him what he
was doing in those clothes。 He was not an amiable man。 He
answered； he was wearing them。 They asked him why he was wearing
them。 He replied； to keep himself warm。 They told him frankly
that they did not believe him； and sent him back to his lodgings in
a closed landau。 The personal testimony of the English Minister
was necessary to assure the authorities that the Highland garb was
the customary dress of many respectable； law…abiding British
subjects。 They accepted the statement； as diplomatically bound；
but retain their private opinion to this day。 The English tourist
they have grown accustomed to； but a Leicestershire gentleman；
invited to hunt with some German officers； on appearing outside his
hotel； was promptly marched off； horse and all； to explain his
frivolity at the police court。
Another thing you must not do in the streets of German towns is to
feed horses； mules； or donkeys； whether your own or those belonging
to other people。 If a passion seizes you to feed somebody else's
horse； you must make an appointment with the animal； and the meal
must take place in some properly authorised place。 You must not
break glass or china in the street； nor； in fact； in any public
resort whatever； and if you do； you must pick up all the pieces。
What you are to do with the pieces when you have gathered them
together I cannot say。 The only thing I know for certain is that
you are not permitted to throw them anywhere； to leave them
anywhere； or apparently to part with them in any way whatever。
Presumably； you are expected to carry them about with you until you
die； and then be buried with them； or； maybe； you are allowed to
swallow them。
In German streets you must not shoot with a crossbow。 The German
law…maker does not content himself with the misdeeds of the average
manthe crime one feels one wants to do； but must not： he worries
himself imagining all the things a wandering maniac might do。 In
Germany there is no law against a man standing on his head in the
middle of the road； the idea has not occurred to them。 One of
these days a German statesman； visiting a circus and seeing
acrobats； will reflect upon this omission。 Then he will
straightway set to work and frame a clause forbidding people from
standing on their heads in the middle of the road； and fixing a
fine。 This is the charm of German law： misdemeanour in Germany
has its fixed price。 You are not kept awake all night； as in
England； wondering whether you will get off with a caution； be
fined forty shillings； or； catching the magistrate in an unhappy
moment for yourself； get seven days。 You know exactly what your
fun is going to cost you。 You can spread out your money on the
table； open your Police Guide； and plan out your holiday to a fifty
pfennig piece。 For a really cheap evening； I would recommend
walking on the wrong side of the pavement after being cautioned not
to do so。 I calculate that by choosing your district and keeping
to the quiet side streets you could walk for a whole evening on the
wrong side of the pavement at a cost of little over three marks。
In German towns you must not ramble about after dark 〃in droves。〃
I am not quite sure how many constitute a 〃drove；〃 and no official
to whom I have spoken on this subject has felt himself competent to
fix the exact number。 I once put it to a German friend who was
starting for the theatre with his wife； his mother…in…law； five
children of his own； his sister and her fiance； and two nieces； if
he did not think he was running a risk under this by…law。 He did
not take my suggestion as a joke。 He cast an eye over the group。
〃Oh； I don't think so；〃 he said； 〃you see； we are all one family。〃
〃The paragraph says nothing about its being a family drove or not；〃
I replied； 〃it simply says 'drove。' I do not mean it in any
uncomplimentary sense； but； speaking etymologically； I am inclined
personally to regard your collection as a 'drove。' Whether the
police will take the same view or not remains to be seen。 I am
merely warning you。〃
My friend himself was inclined to pooh…pooh my fears； but his wife
thinking it better not to run any risk of having the party broken
up by the police at the very beginning of the evening； they
divided； arranging to come together again in the theatre lobby。
Another passion you must restrain in Germany is that prompting you
to throw things out of window。 Cats are no excuse。 During the
first week of my residence in Germany I was awakened incessantly by
cats。 One night I got mad。 I collected a small arsenaltwo or
three pieces of coal； a few hard pears； a couple of candle ends； an
odd egg I found on the kitchen table； an empty soda…water bottle；
and a few articles of that sort；and； opening the window；
bombarded the spot from where the noise appeared to come。 I do not
suppose I hit anything； I never knew a man who did hit a cat； even
when he could see it； except； maybe； by accident when aiming at
something else。 I have known crack shots； winners of Queen's
prizesthose sort of men；shoot with shot…guns at cats fifty
yards away； and never hit a hair。 I have often thought that；
instead of bull's…eyes； running deer； and that rubbish； the really
superior marksman would be he who could boast that he had shot the
cat。
But； anyhow； they moved off； maybe the egg annoyed them。 I had
noticed when I picked it up that it did not look a good egg； and I
went back to bed again； thinking the incident closed。 Te