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and seeing a lusty wight standing down below； in a leather apron；
with his sleeves rolled up and a kit of soldering tools under his
arm； didn't know until he made inquiry whether the gentle stranger
had come to mend the drain or remove the cook's leg。
A little later along； when gunpowder had come into general use as
a humanizing factor of civilization； surgeons treated a gunshot
wound by pouring boiling lard into it； which I would say was
calculated to take the victim's mind off his wound and give him
something else to think aboutfor the time being； anyhow。 I
assume the notion of applying a mustard plaster outside one's
stomach when one has a pain inside one's stomach is based on the
same principle。
However； one doesn't have to go clear back to medieval times to
note the radical differences in the plan of treating human ailments。
A great many persons who are still living can remember when the
doctors were not nearly so numerous as they are now。 I； for one；
would be the last to reverse the sentence and say that because the
doctors were not nearly so numerous then as they are now； those
persons are still living so numerously。
In the spring of the year； when the sap flowed and the birds mated；
the sturdy farmer felt that he was due to have something the matter
with him； too。 So he would ride into the country…seat and get an
almanac。 Doubtless the reader； if country raised； has seen copies
of this popular work。 On the outside cover； which was dark blue
in color； there was a picture of a person whose stomach was sliced
four ways； like a twenty…cent pie； and then folded back neatly；
thus exposing his entire interior arrangements to the gaze of the
casual observer。 However； this party； judging by his picture； did
not appear to be suffering。 He did not even seem to fear that he
might catch cold from standing there in his own draught。 He was
gazing off into space in an absent…minded kind of way； apparently
not aware that anything was wrong with him； and on all sides he
was surrounded by interesting exhibits； such as a crab； and a
scorpion； and a goat； and a chap with a bow and arrowand one
thing and another。
Such was the main design of the cover； while the contents were
made up of recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes
and the line of diseases which alternated； with first a favorite
joke and then a favorite disease。 The author who wrote the
descriptions of the diseases was one of the most convincing writers
that ever lived anywhere。 As a realist he had no superiors among
those using our language as a vehicle for the expression of thought。
He was a wonder。 If a person wasn't particular about what ailed
him he could read any page at random and have one specific disease。
Or he could read the whole book through and have them all； in
their most advanced stages。 Then the only thing that could save
him was a large dollar bottle。
Again； in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary
to call in a local practitioner； generally an elderly lady of the
neighborhood who had none of these latter…day prejudices regarding
the use of tobacco by the gentler sex。 One whom I distantly recall；
among childhood's happy memories； carried this liberal…mindedness
to a point where she not only dipped snuff and smoked a cob pipe；
but sometimes chewed a little natural leaf。 This lady； on being
called in； would brew up a large caldron of medicinal roots and
barks and sprouts and things； and then she would deluge the interior
of the sufferer with a large gourdful of this pleasing mixture at
regular intervals。 It was efficacious； too。 The inundated person
either got well or else he drowned from the inside。 Rocking the
patient was almost as dangerous a pastime as rocking the boat。
This also helps to explain； I think； why so many of our forebears
had floating kidneys。 There was nothing else for a kidney to do。
By the time I attained to long trousers； people in our town mainly
had outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and
more upon the old…fashioned family doctorthe one with the
whisker…junglewho drove about in a gig； accompanied by a haunting
aroma of iodoform and carrying his calomel with him in bulk。
He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own。 He must have；
otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it。
He also had other medicines with him； all of them being selected
on the principle that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens
it couldn't possibly do you any good。 At all hours of the day and
night he was to be seen going to and fro； distributing nuggets
from his private lode。 He went to bed with his trousers and his
hat on； I think； and there was a general belief that his old mare
slept between the shafts of the gig； with the bridle shoved up on
her forehead。
It has been only a few years since the oldtime general practitioner
was everywhere。 Just look round and see now how the system has
changed！ If your liver begins to misconduct itself the first thought
of the modern operator is to cut it out and hide it some place where
you can't find it。 The oldtimer would have bombarded it with a
large brunette pill about the size and color of a damson plum。
Or he might put you on a diet of molasses seasoned to taste with
blue mass and quinine and other attractive condiments。 Likewise；
in the spring of the year he frequently anointed the young of the
species with a mixture of mutton suet and asafetida。 This treatment
had an effect that was distinctly depressing upon the growing boy。
It militated against his popularity。 It forced him to seek his
pleasures outdoors； and a good distance outdoors at that。
It was very hard for a boy； however naturally attractive he might
be； to retain his popularity at the fireside circle when coated
with mutton suet and asafetida and then taken into a warm room。
He attracted attention which he did not court and which was
distasteful to him。 Keeping quiet did not seem to help him any。
Even if they had been blindfolded others would still have felt his
presence。 A civit…cat suffers from the same drawbacks in a social
way； but the advantage to the civit…cat is that as a general thing
it associates only with other civit…cats。
Except in the country the old…time； catch…as…catch…can general
practitioner appears to be dying out。 In the city one finds him
occasionally； playing a limit game in an office on a back street
two dollars to come in； five to call； but the tendency of the day
is toward specialists。 Hence the expert who treats you for just
one particular thing With a pain in your chest； say； you go to a
chest specialist。 So long as he can keep the trouble confined to
your chest； all well and good。 If it slips down or slides up he
tries to coax it back to the reservation。 lf it refuses to do so；
he bids it an affectionate adieu； makes a dotted mark on you to
show where he left off； collects his bill and regretfully turns
you over to a stomach specialist or a throat specialist； depending
on the direction in which the trouble was headed when last seen。
Or； perhaps the specialist to whom you take your custom is an
advocate of an immediate operation for such cases as yours and
all others。 I may be unduly sensitive on account of having recently
emerged from the surgeon's hands； but it strikes me now that there
are an awful lot of doctors who take one brief glance at a person
who is complaining； and say to themselves that here is something
that ought to be looked into right awayand immediately open a
bag and start picking out the proper utensils。 You go into a
doctor's office and tell him you do not feel the best in the world
and he gives you a look and excuses himself； and steps into the
next room and begins greasing a saw。
Mind you； in these casual observations as compiled by me while
bedfast and here given utterance； I am not seeking to disparage
possibly the noblest of professions。 Lately I have owed much to
it。 I am strictly on the doctor's side。 He is with us when we
come into the world and with us when we go out of it； oftentimes
lending a helping hand on both occasions。 Anyway； our sympathies
sh