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lending a helping hand on both occasions。 Anyway； our sympathies
should especially go out to the medical profession at this particular
time when the anti…vivisectionists are railing so loudly against
the doctors。 The anti…vivisection crusade has enlisted widely
different classes in the community； including many lovers of our
dumb…animal petsand aren't some of them the dumbest things you
ever saw！especially chow dogs and love birds。
I will admit there is something to be said on both sides of the
argument。 This dissecting of live subjects may have been carried
to extremes on occasions。 When I read in the medical journals
that the eminent Doctor Somebody succeeded in transferring the
interior department of a pelican to a pointer pup； and vice versa
with such success that the pup drowned while diving for minnows；
and the pelican went out in the back yard and barked himself to
death baying at the moon； I am interested naturally； but； possibly
because of my ignorance； I fail to see wherein the treatment of
infantile paralysis has been materially advanced。 On the other
hand I would rather the kind and gentle Belgian hare should be
offered up as a sacrifice upon the operating table and leave behind
him a large family of little Belgian heirs and heiressesdependent
upon the charity of a cruel worldthan that I should have something
painful which can be avoided through making him a martyr。 I would
rather any white rabbit on earth should have the Asiatic cholera
twice than that I should have it just once。 These are my sincere
convictions； and I will not attempt to disguise them。
Thanks too； to medical science we know about germs and serums and
diets and all that。 Our less fortunate ancestors didn't know about
them。 They were befogged in ignorance。 As recently as the generation
immediately preceding ours people were unacquainted with the simplest
rules of hygiene。 They didn't care whether the housefly wiped his
feet before he came into the house or not。 The gentleman with the
drooping； cream…separator mustache was at perfect liberty to use
the common drinking cup on the railroad train。 The appendix lurked
in its snug retreat； undisturbed by the prying fingers of curiosity。
The fever…bearing skeeter buzzed and flitted； stinging where he
pleased。 The germ theory was unfathomed。 Suitable food for an
invalid was anything the invalid could afford to buy。 Fresh air；
and more especially fresh night air； was regarded as dangerous；
and people hermetically sealed themselves in before retiring。 Not
daily as at present was the world gladdened by the tidings that
science had unearthed some new and particularly unpleasant disease。
It never occurred to a mother that she should sterilize the slipper
before spanking her offspring。 Babies were not reared antiseptically；
but just so。 Nobody was aware of microbes。
In short； our sires and our grandsires abode in the midst of perils。
They were surrounded on all sides by things that are immediately
fatal to the human system。 Not a single one of them had a right
to pass his second birthday。 In the light of what we know； we
realize that by now this world should be but a barren waste dotted
at frequent intervals with large graveyards and populated only by
a few dispossessed and hungry bacteria； hanging over the cemetery
fence singing： Driven From Home！
In the conditions generally prevalent up to twenty…five years ago；
most of us never had any license； really； to be born at all。 Yet
look how many of us are now here。 In this age of research I
hesitate to attempt to account for it； except on the entirely
unscientific theory that what you don't know doesn't hurt you。
Doubtless a physician could give you a better explanation； but
his would cost you more than mine has。
But we digress。 Let us get back to our main subject； which is
myself。 I shall never forget my first real meal in that hospital。
There was quite a good deal of talk about it beforehand。 My nurse
kept telling me that on the next day the doctor had promised I
might have something to eat。 I could hardly wait。 I had visions
of a tenderloin steak smothered in fried onions； and some French…fried
potatoes； and a tall table…limit stack of wheat cakes； and a few
other incidental comfits and kickshaws。 I could hardly wait for
that meal。
The next day came and she brought it to me； and I partook thereof。
It was the white of an egg。 For dessert I licked a stamp； but
this I did clandestinely and by stealth； without saying anything
about it to her。 I was not supposed to have any sweets。
On the occasion of the next feast the diet was varied。 I had a
sip of one of those fermented milk products。 You probably know
the sort of thing I mean。 Even before you've swallowed it； it
tastes as though it had already disagreed with you。 The nurse
said this food was predigested but did not tell me by whom。 Nor
did I ask her。 I started to； but thought better of it。 Sometimes
one is all the happier for not knowing too much。
A little later on； seeing that I had not suffered an attack of
indigestion from this debauch； they gave me junket。 In the
dictionary I have looked up the definitions of junket。 I quote：
JUNKET； v。 I。 t。 To entertain by feasting； regale。 II。 i。 To
give or take part in an entertainment or excursion； feast in
company； picnic； revel。
JUNKET； n。 A merry feast or excursion； picnic。
When the author of a dictionary tries to be frivolous he only
succeeds in making himself appear foolish。
I know not how it may be in the world at large； but in a hospital；
junket is a custard that by some subtle process has been denuded
of those ingredients which make a custard fascinating and exciting。
It tastes as though the eggs； which form its underlying basis； had
been laid in a fit of pique by a hen that was severely upset at
the time。
Hereafter when the junket is passed round somebody else may have
my share。 I'll stick to the mince pie a la mode。 And the first
cigar of my convalescenceah； that； too； abides as a vivid
memory！ Dropping in one morning to replace the wrappings Doctor Z
said I might smoke in moderation。 So the nurse brought me a cigar；
and I lit it and took one deep puff； but only one。 I laid it aside。
I said to the nurse：
〃A mistake has been made here。 I do not want a cooking cigar； you
understand。 I desire a cigar for personal use。 This one is full
of herbs and simples； I think。 It suggests a New England boiled
dinner； and not a very good New England boiled dinner at that。
Let us try again。〃
She brought another cigar。 It was not satisfactory either。 Then
she showed me the boxan orthodox box containing cigars of a
recognized and previously dependable brand。 I could only conclude
that a root…and…herb doctor had bought an interest in the business
and was introducing his own pet notions into the formula。
But came a dayas the fancy writers say when they wish to convey
the impression that a day has come； but hate to do it in a
commonplace mannercame a day when my cigar tasted as a cigar
should taste and food had the proper relish to it； and my appetite
came back again and found the old home place not so greatly changed
after all。
And then shortly thereafter came another day； when I； all replete
with expensive stitches； might drape the customary habiliments of
civilization about my attenuated frame and go forth to mingle with
my fellow beings。 I have been mingling pretty steadily ever since；
for now I have something to talk abouta topic good for any
company； congenial； an absorbing topic。
I can spot a brother member a block away。 I hasten up to him and
give him the grand hailing sign of the order。 He opens his mouth
to speak； but I beat him to it。
〃Speaking of operations 〃 I say。 And then I'm off。 Believe me；
it's the life！
End