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the house instantly； provided it could be done before your gift left your
hand。 Otherwise it would be absolutely necessary for you to make an
exactly similar gift to all my childrenand knowing by experience the
importance of the thing； I would have stood by and seen to it myself that
you did it； and did it thoroughly。 Once a gentleman gave one of my
children a tin whistlea veritable invention of Satan； sir； and one
which I have an unspeakable horror of； and so would you if you had eighty
or ninety children in your house。 But the deed was donethe man
escaped。 I knew what the result was going to be； and I thirsted for
vengeance。 I ordered out a flock of Destroying Angels； and they hunted
the man far into the fastnesses of the Nevada mountains。 But they never
caught him。 I am not cruel； sirI am not vindictive except when sorely
outragedbut if I had caught him； sir； so help me Joseph Smith； I would
have locked him into the nursery till the brats whistled him to death。
By the slaughtered body of St。 Parley Pratt （whom God assail！） there
was never anything on this earth like it！ I knew who gave the whistle to
the child； but I could； not make those jealous mothers believe me。 They
believed I did it； and the result was just what any man of reflection
could have foreseen： I had to order a hundred and ten whistlesI think
we had a hundred and ten children in the house then； but some of them are
off at college nowI had to order a hundred and ten of those shrieking
things； and I wish I may never speak another word if we didn't have to
talk on our fingers entirely； from that time forth until the children got
tired of the whistles。 And if ever another man gives a whistle to a
child of mine and I get my hands on him； I will hang him higher than
Haman！ That is the word with the bark on it！ Shade of Nephi！ You don't
know anything about married life。 I am rich； and everybody knows it。 I
am benevolent； and everybody takes advantage of it。 I have a strong
fatherly instinct and all the foundlings are foisted on me。
Every time a woman wants to do well by her darling； she puzzles her brain
to cipher out some scheme for getting it into my hands。 Why； sir； a
woman came here once with a child of a curious lifeless sort of
complexion （and so had the woman）； and swore that the child was mine and
she my wifethat I had married her at such…and…such a time in such…and…
such a place； but she had forgotten her number； and of course I could not
remember her name。 Well； sir； she called my attention to the fact that
the child looked like me； and really it did seem to resemble mea common
thing in the Territoryand； to cut the story short； I put it in my
nursery； and she left。 And by the ghost of Orson Hyde； when they came to
wash the paint off that child it was an Injun！ Bless my soul； you don't
know anything about married life。 It is a perfect dog's life； sira
perfect dog's life。 You can't economize。 It isn't possible。 I have
tried keeping one set of bridal attire for all occasions。 But it is of
no use。 First you'll marry a combination of calico and consumption
that's as thin as a rail； and next you'll get a creature that's nothing
more than the dropsy in disguise； and then you've got to eke out that
bridal dress with an old balloon。 That is the way it goes。 And think of
the wash…bill（excuse these tears）nine hundred and eighty…four pieces
a week！ No； sir； there is no such a thing as economy in a family like
mine。 Why； just the one item of cradlesthink of it！ And vermifuge！
Soothing syrup！ Teething rings！ And 'papa's watches' for the babies to
play with！ And things to scratch the furniture with！ And lucifer
matches for them to eat； and pieces of glass to cut themselves with！
The item of glass alone would support your family； I venture to say； sir。
Let me scrimp and squeeze all I can； I still can't get ahead as fast as I
feel I ought to； with my opportunities。 Bless you； sir； at a time when I
had seventy…two wives in this house； I groaned under the pressure of
keeping thousands of dollars tied up in seventy…two bedsteads when the
money ought to have been out at interest； and I just sold out the whole
stock； sir； at a sacrifice； and built a bedstead seven feet long and
ninety…six feet wide。 But it was a failure； sir。 I could not sleep。
It appeared to me that the whole seventy…two women snored at once。
The roar was deafening。 And then the danger of it！ That was what I was
looking at。 They would all draw in their breath at once； and you could
actually see the walls of the house suck inand then they would all
exhale their breath at once； and you could see the walls swell out； and
strain； and hear the rafters crack； and the shingles grind together。
My friend； take an old man's advice； and don't encumber yourself with a
large familymind； I tell you； don't do it。 In a small family； and in a
small family only； you will find that comfort and that peace of mind
which are the best at last of the blessings this world is able to afford
us； and for the lack of which no accumulation of wealth； and no
acquisition of fame； power； and greatness can ever compensate us。
Take my word for it； ten or eleven wives is all you neednever go over
it。〃
Some instinct or other made me set this Johnson down as being unreliable。
And yet he was a very entertaining person； and I doubt if some of the
information he gave us could have been acquired from any other source。
He was a pleasant contrast to those reticent Mormons。
CHAPTER XVI。
All men have heard of the Mormon Bible； but few except the 〃elect〃 have
seen it； or； at least； taken the trouble to read it。 I brought away a
copy from Salt Lake。 The book is a curiosity to me； it is such a
pretentious affair； and yet so 〃slow；〃 so sleepy； such an insipid mess of
inspiration。 It is chloroform in print。 If Joseph Smith composed this
book； the act was a miraclekeeping awake while he did it was； at any
rate。 If he； according to tradition； merely translated it from certain
ancient and mysteriously…engraved plates of copper； which he declares he
found under a stone； in an out…of…the…way locality； the work of
translating was equally a miracle； for the same reason。
The book seems to be merely a prosy detail of imaginary history； with the
Old Testament for a model； followed by a tedious plagiarism of the New
Testament。 The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint；
old…fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the
Scriptures； and the result is a mongrelhalf modern glibness； and half
ancient simplicity and gravity。 The latter is awkward and constrained；
the former natural； but grotesque by the contrast。 Whenever he found his
speech growing too modernwhich was about every sentence or twohe
ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as 〃exceeding sore；〃 〃and it came
to pass；〃 etc。； and made things satisfactory again。 〃And it came to
pass〃 was his pet。 If he had left that out； his Bible would have been
only a pamphlet。
The title…page reads as follows：
THE BOOK OF MORMON： AN ACCOUNT WRITTEN BY THE HAND OF MORMON； UPON
PLATES TAKEN FROM THE PLATES OF NEPHI。
Wherefore it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi；
and also of the Lamanites； written to the Lamanites； who are a
remnant of the House of Israel； and also to Jew and Gentile； written
by way of commandment； and also by the spirit of prophecy and of
revelation。 Written and sealed up； and hid up unto the Lord； that
they might not be destroyed； to come forth by the gift and power of
God unto the interpretation thereof； sealed by the hand of Moroni；
and hid up unto the Lord； to come forth in due time by the way of
Gentile； the interpretation thereof by the gift of God。 An
abridgment taken from the Book of Ether also； which is a record of
the people of Jared； who were scattered at the time the Lord
confounded the language of the people when they were building a
tower to get to Heaven。
〃Hid up〃 is good。 And so is 〃wherefore〃though why 〃wherefore〃？ Any
other word would have answered as wellthoughi