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〃Let us ask a little party to meet him。〃 And so we did； and so
they came： my father and mother； old Crutty in his best wig； and
the parson who was to marry us the next day。 The coach was to come
in at six。 And there was the tea…table； and there was the punch…
bowl； and everybody ready and smiling to receive our dear uncle
from London。
Six o'clock came； and the coach； and the man from the 〃Green
Dragon〃 with a portmanteau； and a fat old gentleman walking behind；
of whom I just caught a glimpsea venerable old gentleman： I
thought I'd seen him before。
。 。 。 。 。 。
Then there was a ring at the bell； then a scuffling and bumping in
the passage： then old Crutty rushed out； and a great laughing and
talking； and 〃HOW ARE YOU？〃 and so on； was heard at the door； and
then the parlor…door was flung open； and Crutty cried out with a
loud voice
〃Good people all！ my brother…in…law； Mr。 STIFFELKIND！〃
MR。 STIFFELKIND！I trembled as I heard the name！
Miss Crutty kissed him； mamma made him a curtsy； and papa made him
a bow； and Dr。 Snorter； the parson； seized his hand and shook it
most warmly： then came my turn！
〃Vat！〃 says he。 〃It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor
Schvis'hentail's！ is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder〃
（mamma smiled and made a curtsy）； 〃and dis his fader？ Sare and
madam； you should be broud of soch a sonn。 And you my niece； if
you have him for a husband you vill be locky； dat is all。 Vat dink
you； broder Croty； and Madame Stobbs； I 'ave made your sonn's
boots！ Haha！〃
My mamma laughed； and said； 〃I did not know it； but I am sure； sir；
he has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county。〃
Old Stiffelkind roared louder。 〃A very nice leg； ma'am； and a very
SHEAP BOOT TOO。 Vat！ did you not know I make his boots？ Perhaps
you did not know something else toop'raps you did not know〃 （and
here the monster clapped his hand on the table and made the punch…
ladle tremble in the bowl）〃p'raps you did not know as dat yong
man； dat Stobbs； dat sneaking； baltry； squinting fellow； is as
vicked as he is ogly。 He bot a pair of boots from me and never
paid for dem。 Dat is noting； nobody never pays； but he bought a
pair of boots； and called himself Lord Cornvallis。 And I was fool
enough to believe him vonce。 But look you； niece Magdalen； I 'ave
got five tousand pounds： if you marry him I vill not give you a
benny。 But look you what I will gif you： I bromised you a bresent；
and I will give you DESE！〃
And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had
made him take back。
。 。 。 。 。 。
I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty： I am not sorry for it though。 She was
a nasty； ugly； ill…tempered wretch； and I've always said so ever
since。
And all this arose from those infernal boots； and that unlucky
paragraph in the county paperI'll tell you how。
In the first place； it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked；
profligate； unprincipled organs of the London press； who chose to
be very facetious about the 〃Marriage in High Life；〃 and made all
sorts of jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty。
Secondly； it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy；
Bunting； who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance
by my adventure with him； and had his shoes made regularly by that
foreign upstart。
Thirdly； he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this
particular period； and as he was measured by the disgusting old
High…Dutch cobbler； he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to
be married。
〃And to whom？〃 said old Stiffelkind。 〃To a voman wit geld； I vill
take my oath。〃
〃Yes；〃 says Bunting； 〃a country girla Miss Magdalen Carotty or
Crotty； at a place called Sloffemsquiggle。〃
〃SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL！〃 bursts out the dreadful bootmaker。 〃Mein
Gott； mein Gott！ das geht nicht！ I tell you； sare； it is no go。
Miss Crotty is my niece。 I vill go down myself。 I vill never let
her marry dat goot…for…nothing schwindler and tief。〃 SUCH was the
language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me！
JUNE。MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS。
Was there ever such confounded ill…luck？ My whole life has been a
tissue of ill…luck： although I have labored perhaps harder than any
man to make a fortune； something always tumbled it down。 In love
and in war I was not like others。 In my marriages； I had an eye to
the main chance； and you see how some unlucky blow would come and
throw them over。 In the army I was just as prudent； and just as
unfortunate。 What with judicious betting； and horse…swapping；
good…luck at billiards； and economy； I do believe I put by my pay
every year；and that is what few can say who have but an allowance
of a hundred a year。
I'll tell you how it was。 I used to be very kind to the young men；
I chose their horses for them； and their wine： and showed them how
to play billiards； or ecarte； of long mornings； when there was
nothing better to do。 I didn't cheat： I'd rather die than cheat；
but if fellows WILL play； I wasn't the man to say nowhy should I？
There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I
cleared 300L。 a year。
His name was Dobble。 He was a tailor's son； and wanted to be a
gentleman。 A poor weak young creature； easy to be made tipsy； easy
to be cheated； and easy to be frightened。 It was a blessing for
him that I found him； for if anybody else had； they would have
plucked him of every shilling。
Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends。 I rode his horses for him；
and chose his champagne； and did everything； in fact； that a
superior mind does for an inferior；when the inferior has got the
money。 We were inseparables；hunting everywhere in couples。 We
even managed to fall in love with two sisters； as young soldiers
will do； you know； for the dogs fall in love； with every change of
quarters。
Well； once； in the year 1793 （it was just when the French had
chopped poor Louis's head off）； Dobble and I； gay young chaps as
ever wore sword by side； had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by
the name of Brisket； daughters of a butcher in the town where we
were quartered。 The dear girls fell in love with us； of course。
And many a pleasant walk in the country； many a treat to a tea…
garden； many a smart ribbon and brooch used Dobble and I （for his
father allowed him 600L。； and our purses were in common） present to
these young ladies。 One day； fancy our pleasure at receiving a
note couched thus：
〃DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLEMiss Briskets presents their
compliments； and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve
at the corprayshun dinner； we request the pleasure of their company
to tea。〃
Didn't we go！ Punctually at six we were in the little back…parlor；
we quaffed more Bohea； and made more love； than half a dozen
ordinary men could。 At nine； a little punch…bowl succeeded to the
little teapot； and； bless the girls！ a nice fresh steak was
frizzling on the gridiron for our supper。 Butchers were butchers
then； and their parlor was their kitchen too； at least old
Brisket's wasone door leading into the shop； and one into the
yard； on the other side of which was the slaughter…house。
Fancy； then； our horror when； just at this critical time； we heard
the shop…door open； a heavy staggering step on the flags； and a
loud husky voice from the shop； shouting； 〃Hallo； Susan； hallo；
Betsy！ show a light！〃 Dobble turned as white as a sheet； the two
girls each as red as a lobster； I alone preserved my presence of
mind。 〃The back…door；〃 says I〃The dog's in the court；〃 say they。
〃He's not so bad as the man；〃 said I。 〃Stop！〃 cries Susan；
flinging open the door； and rushing to the fire。 〃Take THIS and
perhaps it will quiet him。〃
What do you think 〃THIS〃 was？ I'm blest if it was not the STEAK！
She pushe