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that？〃
George fitted it on before the glass； and； choosing another remark
from the book； said：
〃This hat fits me sufficiently well； but； tell me； do you consider
that it becomes me？〃
The man stepped back and took a bird's…eye view。
〃Candidly；〃 he replied； 〃I can't say that it does。〃
He turned from George； and addressed himself to Harris and myself。
〃Your friend's beauty；〃 said he； 〃I should describe as elusive。 It
is there； but you can easily miss it。 Now； in that cap； to my
mind； you do miss it。〃
At that point it occurred to George that he had had sufficient fun
with this particular man。 He said：
〃That is all right。 We don't want to lose the train。 How much？〃
Answered the man： 〃The price of that cap； sir； which； in my
opinion； is twice as much as it is worth； is four…and…six。 Would
you like it wrapped up in brown paper； sir； or in white？〃
George said he would take it as it was； paid the man four…and…six
in…silver； and went out。 Harris and I followed。
At Fenchurch Street we compromised with our cabman for five
shillings。 He made us another courtly bow； and begged us to
remember him to the Emperor of Austria。
Comparing views in the train； we agreed that we had lost the game
by two points to one； and George； who was evidently disappointed；
threw the book out of window。
We found our luggage and the bicycles safe on the boat； and with
the tide at twelve dropped down the river。
CHAPTER V
A necessary digressionIntroduced by story containing moralOne
of the charms of this bookThe Journal that did not command
successIts boast： 〃Instruction combined with Amusement〃
Problem： say what should be considered instructive and what
amusingA popular gameExpert opinion on English lawAnother of
the charms of this bookA hackneyed tuneYet a third charm of
this bookThe sort of wood it was where the maiden lived
Description of the Black Forest。
A story is told of a Scotchman who； loving a lassie； desired her
for his wife。 But he possessed the prudence of his race。 He had
noticed in his circle many an otherwise promising union result in
disappointment and dismay； purely in consequence of the false
estimate formed by bride or bridegroom concerning the imagined
perfectability of the other。 He determined that in his own case no
collapsed ideal should be possible。 Therefore； it was that his
proposal took the following form：
〃I'm but a puir lad； Jennie； I hae nae siller to offer ye； and nae
land。〃
〃Ah； but ye hae yoursel'； Davie！〃
〃An' I'm wishfu' it wa' onything else； lassie。 I'm nae but a puir
ill…seasoned loon； Jennie。〃
〃Na； na； there's mony a lad mair ill…looking than yoursel'； Davie。〃
〃I hae na seen him； lass； and I'm just a…thinkin' I shouldna' care
to。〃
〃Better a plain man； Davie； that ye can depend a' than ane that
would be a speirin' at the lassies； a…bringin' trouble into the
hame wi' his flouting ways。〃
〃Dinna ye reckon on that； Jennie； it's nae the bonniest Bubbly Jock
that mak's the most feathers to fly in the kailyard。 I was ever a
lad to run after the petticoats； as is weel kent； an' it's a weary
handfu' I'll be to ye； I'm thinkin'。〃
〃Ah； but ye hae a kind heart； Davie！ an' ye love me weel。 I'm sure
on't。〃
〃I like ye weel enoo'； Jennie； though I canna say how long the
feeling may bide wi' me； an' I'm kind enoo' when I hae my ain way；
an' naethin' happens to put me oot。 But I hae the deevil's ain
temper； as my mither call tell ye； an' like my puir fayther； I'm a…
thinkin'； I'll grow nae better as I grow mair auld。〃
〃Ay； but ye're sair hard upon yersel'； Davie。 Ye're an honest lad。
I ken ye better than ye ken yersel'； an' ye'll mak a guid hame for
me。〃
〃Maybe； Jennie！ But I hae my doots。 It's a sair thing for wife
an' bairns when the guid man canna keep awa' frae the glass； an'
when the scent of the whusky comes to me it's just as though I
hae'd the throat o' a Loch Tay salmon； it just gaes doon an' doon；
an' there's nae filling o' me。〃
〃Ay； but ye're a guid man when ye're sober； Davie。〃
〃Maybe I'll be that； Jennie； if I'm nae disturbed。〃
〃An' ye'll bide wi' me； Davie； an' work for me？〃
〃I see nae reason why I shouldna bide wi' yet Jennie； but dinna ye
clack aboot work to me； for I just canna bear the thoct o't。〃
〃Anyhow； ye'll do your best； Davie？ As the minister says； nae man
can do mair than that。〃
〃An' it's a puir best that mine'll be； Jennie； and I'm nae sae sure
ye'll hae ower muckle even o' that。 We're a' weak； sinfu'
creatures； Jennie； an' ye'd hae some deefficulty to find a man
weaker or mair sinfu' than mysel'。〃
〃Weel； weel； ye hae a truthfu' tongue； Davie。 Mony a lad will mak
fine promises to a puir lassie； only to break 'em an' her heart wi'
'em。 Ye speak me fair； Davie； and I'm thinkin' I'll just tak ye；
an' see what comes o't。〃
Concerning what did come of it； the story is silent； but one feels
that under no circumstances had the lady any right to complain of
her bargain。 Whether she ever did or did notfor women do not
invariably order their tongues according to logic； nor men either
for the matter of thatDavie； himself； must have had the
satisfaction of reflecting that all reproaches were undeserved。
I wish to be equally frank with the reader of this book。 I wish
here conscientiously to let forth its shortcomings。 I wish no one
to read this book under a misapprehension。
There will be no useful information in this book。
Anyone who should think that with the aid of this book he would be
able to make a tour through Germany and the Black Forest would
probably lose himself before he got to the Nore。 That； at all
events； would be the best thing that could happen to him。 The
farther away from home he got； the greater only would be his
difficulties。
I do not regard the conveyance of useful information as my forte。
This belief was not inborn with me； it has been driven home upon me
by experience。
In my early journalistic days； I served upon a paper； the
forerunner of many very popular periodicals of the present day。
Our boast was that we combined instruction with amusement； as to
what should be regarded as affording amusement and what
instruction； the reader judged for himself。 We gave advice to
people about to marrylong； earnest advice that would； had they
followed it； have made our circle of readers the envy of the whole
married world。 We told our subscribers how to make fortunes by
keeping rabbits； giving facts and figures。 The thing that must
have surprised them was that we ourselves did not give up
journalism and start rabbit…farming。 Often and often have I proved
conclusively from authoritative sources how a man starting a rabbit
farm with twelve selected rabbits and a little judgment must； at
the end of three years； be in receipt of an income of two thousand
a year； rising rapidly； he simply could not help himself。 He might
not want the money。 He might not know what to do with it when he
had it。 But there it was for him。 I have never met a rabbit
farmer myself worth two thousand a year； though I have known many
start with the twelve necessary； assorted rabbits。 Something has
always gone wrong somewhere； maybe the continued atmosphere of a
rabbit farm saps the judgment。
We told our readers how many bald…headed men there were in Iceland；
and for all we knew our figures may have been correct； how many red
herrings placed tail to mouth it would take to reach from London to
Rome； which must have been useful to anyone desirous of laying down
a line of red herrings from London to Rome； enabling him to order
in the right quantity at the beginning； how many words the average
woman spoke in a day； and other such like items of information
calculated to make them wise and great beyond the readers of other
journals。
We told them how to cure fits in cats。 Personally I do not
believe； and I did not believe then； that you can cure fits in
cats。 If I had a cat subject to fits I should advertise it for
sale； or even give it away。 But our duty was to supply information
when asked for。 Some fool wrote； clamouring to know； and I spent
the best part of a morning seeking knowledge on the