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excitement he would kiss some of the children twice over； pass by
others； forget whom he had kissed and whom he hadn't； and have to
begin all over again。 He used to say he believed they mixed
themselves up on purpose； and I am not prepared to maintain that
the charge was altogether false。 To add to his troubles； one child
always had a sticky face； and that child would always be the most
affectionate。
If things were going too smoothly； the eldest boy would come out
with some tale about all the clocks in the house being five minutes
slow； and of his having been late for school the previous day in
consequence。 This would send my uncle rushing impetuously down to
the gate； where he would recollect that he had with him neither his
bag nor his umbrella。 All the children that my aunt could not stop
would charge after him； two of them struggling for the umbrella；
the others surging round the bag。 And when they returned we would
discover on the hall table the most important thing of all that he
had forgotten； and wondered what he would say about it when he came
home。
We arrived at Waterloo a little after nine； and at once proceeded
to put George's experiment into operation。 Opening the book at the
chapter entitled 〃At the Cab Rank；〃 we walked up to a hansom；
raised our hats； and wished the driver 〃Good…morning。〃
This man was not to be outdone in politeness by any foreigner； real
or imitation。 Calling to a friend named 〃Charles〃 to 〃hold the
steed；〃 he sprang from his box； and returned to us a bow； that
would have done credit to Mr。 Turveydrop himself。 Speaking
apparently in the name of the nation； he welcomed us to England；
adding a regret that Her Majesty was not at the moment in London。
We could not reply to him in kind。 Nothing of this sort had been
anticipated by the book。 We called him 〃coachman；〃 at which he
again bowed to the pavement； and asked him if he would have the
goodness to drive us to the Westminster Bridge road。
He laid his hand upon his heart； and said the pleasure would be
his。
Taking the third sentence in the chapter； George asked him what his
fare would be。
The question； as introducing a sordid element into the
conversation； seemed to hurt his feelings。 He said he never took
money from distinguished strangers； he suggested a souvenira
diamond scarf pin； a gold snuffbox； some little trifle of that sort
by which he could remember us。
As a small crowd had collected； and as the joke was drifting rather
too far in the cabman's direction； we climbed in without further
parley； and were driven away amid cheers。 We stopped the cab at a
boot shop a little past Astley's Theatre that looked the sort of
place we wanted。 It was one of those overfed shops that the moment
their shutters are taken down in the morning disgorge their goods
all round them。 Boxes of boots stood piled on the pavement or in
the gutter opposite。 Boots hung in festoons about its doors and
windows。 Its sun…blind was as some grimy vine； bearing bunches of
black and brown boots。 Inside； the shop was a bower of boots。 The
man； when we entered； was busy with a chisel and hammer opening a
new crate full of boots。
George raised his hat； and said 〃Good…morning。〃
The man did not even turn round。 He struck me from the first as a
disagreeable man。 He grunted something which might have been
〃Good…morning；〃 or might not； and went on with his work。
George said： 〃I have been recommended to your shop by my friend；
Mr。 X。〃
In response； the man should have said： 〃Mr。 X。 is a most worthy
gentleman； it will give me the greatest pleasure to serve any
friend of his。〃
What he did say was： 〃Don't know him； never heard of him。〃
This was disconcerting。 The book gave three or four methods of
buying boots； George had carefully selected the one centred round
〃Mr。 X；〃 as being of all the most courtly。 You talked a good deal
with the shopkeeper about this 〃Mr。 X；〃 and then； when by this
means friendship and understanding had been established； you slid
naturally and gracefully into the immediate object of your coming；
namely； your desire for boots； 〃cheap and good。〃 This gross；
material man cared； apparently； nothing for the niceties of retail
dealing。 It was necessary with such an one to come to business
with brutal directness。 George abandoned 〃Mr。 X；〃 and turning back
to a previous page； took a sentence at random。 It was not a happy
selection； it was a speech that would have been superfluous made to
any bootmaker。 Under the present circumstances； threatened and
stifled as we were on every side by boots； it possessed the dignity
of positive imbecilitiy。 It ran：… 〃One has told me that you have
here boots for sale。〃
For the first time the man put down his hammer and chisel； and
looked at us。 He spoke slowly； in a thick and husky voice。 He
said：
〃What d'ye think I keep boots forto smell 'em？〃
He was one of those men that begin quietly and grow more angry as
they proceed； their wrongs apparently working within them like
yeast。
〃What d'ye think I am；〃 he continued； 〃a boot collector？ What d'ye
think I'm running this shop formy health？ D'ye think I love the
boots； and can't bear to part with a pair？ D'ye think I hang 'em
about here to look at 'em？ Ain't there enough of 'em？ Where d'ye
think you arein an international exhibition of boots？ What d'ye
think these boots area historical collection？ Did you ever hear
of a man keeping a boot shop and not selling boots？ D'ye think I
decorate the shop with 'em to make it look pretty？ What d'ye take
me fora prize idiot？〃
I have always maintained that these conversation books are never of
any real use。 What we wanted was some English equivalent for the
well…known German idiom： 〃Behalten Sie Ihr Haar auf。〃
Nothing of the sort was to be found in the book from beginning to
end。 However； I will do George the credit to admit he chose the
very best sentence that was to be found therein and applied it。 He
said：。
〃I will come again； when； perhaps； you will have some more boots to
show me。 Till then； adieu！〃
With that we returned to our cab and drove away； leaving the man
standing in the centre of his boot…bedecked doorway addressing
remarks to us。 What he said； I did not hear； but the passers…by
appeared to find it interesting。
George was for stopping at another boot shop and trying the
experiment afresh； he said he really did want a pair of bedroom
slippers。 But we persuaded him to postpone their purchase until
our arrival in some foreign city； where the tradespeople are no
doubt more inured to this sort of talk； or else more naturally
amiable。 On the subject of the hat； however； he was adamant。 He
maintained that without that he could not travel； and； accordingly；
we pulled up at a small shop in the Blackfriars Road。
The proprietor of this shop was a cheery； bright…eyed little man；
and he helped us rather than hindered us。
When George asked him in the words of the book； 〃Have you any
hats？〃 he did not get angry； he just stopped and thoughtfully
scratched his chin。
〃Hats；〃 said he。 〃Let me think。 Yes〃here a smile of positive
pleasure broke over his genial countenance〃yes； now I come to
think of it； I believe I have a hat。 But； tell me； why do you ask
me？〃
George explained to him that he wished to purchase a cap； a
travelling cap； but the essence of the transaction was that it was
to be a 〃good cap。〃
The man's face fell。
〃Ah；〃 he remarked； 〃there； I am afraid； you have me。 Now； if you
had wanted a bad cap； not worth the price asked for it； a cap good
for nothing but to clean windows with； I could have found you the
very thing。 But a good capno； we don't keep them。 But wait a
minute；〃 he continued；on seeing the disappointment that spread
over George's expressive countenance； 〃don't be in a hurry。 I have
a cap here〃he went to a drawer and opened it〃it is not a good
cap； but it is not so bad as most of the caps I sell。〃
He brought it forward； extended on his palm。
〃What do you think of that？〃 he asked。 〃Could you put up with
that？〃
George fitted it on before the glass； and； choosing another remark
from the book；