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and more apparent to us。 We found ourselves seeking justification；
clinging passionately to a situation that was coldly； pitilessly；
impossible and fated。 We wanted quite intensely to live together
and have a child； but also we wanted very many other things that
were incompatible with these desires。 It was extraordinarily
difficult to weigh our political and intellectual ambitions against
those intimate wishes。 The weights kept altering according as one
found oneself grasping this valued thing or that。 It wasn't as if
we could throw everything aside for our love； and have that as we
wanted it。 Love such as we bore one another isn't altogether； or
even chiefly； a thing in itselfit is for the most part a value set
upon things。 Our love was interwoven with all our other interests；
to go out of the world and live in isolation seemed to us like
killing the best parts of each other； we loved the sight of each
other engaged finely and characteristically； we knew each other best
as activities。 We had no delusions about material facts； we didn't
want each other alive or dead； we wanted each other fully alive。 We
wanted to do big things together； and for us to take each other
openly and desperately would leave us nothing in the world to do。
We wanted children indeed passionately； but children with every
helpful chance in the world； and children born in scandal would be
handicapped at every turn。 We wanted to share a home； and not a
solitude。
And when we were at this stage of realisation； began the intimations
that we were found out； and that scandal was afoot against us。 。 。 。
I heard of it first from Esmeer； who deliberately mentioned it； with
that steady grey eye of his watching me； as an instance of the
preposterous falsehoods people will circulate。 It came to Isabel
almost simultaneously through a married college friend； who made it
her business to demand either confirmation or denial。 It filled us
both with consternation。 In the surprise of the moment Isabel
admitted her secret； and her friend went off 〃reserving her freedom
of action。〃
Discovery broke out in every direction。 Friends with grave faces
and an atmosphere of infinite tact invaded us both。 Other friends
ceased to invade either of us。 It was manifest we had becomewe
knew not howa private scandal； a subject for duologues； an
amazement； a perplexity； a vivid interest。 In a few brief weeks it
seemed London passed from absolute unsuspiciousness to a chattering
exaggeration of its knowledge of our relations。
It was just the most inappropriate time for that disclosure。 The
long smouldering antagonism to my endowment of motherhood ideas had
flared up into an active campaign in the EXPURGATOR； and it would be
altogether disastrous to us if I should be convicted of any personal
irregularity。 It was just because of the manifest and challenging
respectability of my position that I had been able to carry the
thing as far as I had done。 Now suddenly my fortunes had sprung a
leak； and scandal was pouring in。 。 。 。 It chanced； too； that a
wave of moral intolerance was sweeping through London； one of those
waves in which the bitterness of the consciously just finds an ally
in the panic of the undiscovered。 A certain Father Blodgett had
been preaching against social corruption with extraordinary force；
and had roused the Church of England people to a kind of competition
in denunciation。 The old methods of the Anti…Socialist campaign had
been renewed； and had offered far too wide a scope and too tempting
an opportunity for private animosity； to be restricted to the
private affairs of the Socialists。 I had intimations of an
extensive circulation of 〃private and confidential〃 letters。 。 。 。
I think there can be nothing else in life quite like the unnerving
realisation that rumour and scandal are afoot about one。 Abruptly
one's confidence in the solidity of the universe disappears。 One
walks silenced through a world that one feels to be full of
inaudible accusations。 One cannot challenge the assault； get it out
into the open； separate truth and falsehood。 It slinks from you；
turns aside its face。 Old acquaintances suddenly evaded me； made
extraordinary excuses； men who had presumed on the verge of my world
and pestered me with an intrusive enterprise； now took the bold step
of flat repudiation。 I became doubtful about the return of a nod；
retracted all those tentacles of easy civility that I had hitherto
spread to the world。 I still grow warm with amazed indignation when
I recall that Edward Crampton； meeting me full on the steps of the
Climax Club； cut me dead。 〃By God！〃 I cried； and came near catching
him by the throat and wringing out of him what of all good deeds and
bad； could hearten him； a younger man than I and empty beyond
comparison； to dare to play the judge to me。 And then I had an open
slight from Mrs。 Millingham； whom I had counted on as one counts
upon the sunrise。 I had not expected things of that sort； they were
disconcerting beyond measure； it was as if the world were giving way
beneath my feet； as though something failed in the essential
confidence of life； as though a hand of wet ice had touched my
heart。 Similar things were happening to Isabel。 Yet we went on
working； visiting； meeting； trying to ignore this gathering of
implacable forces against us。
For a time I was perplexed beyond measure to account for this
campaign。 Then I got a clue。 The centre of diffusion was the
Bailey household。 The Baileys had never forgiven me my abandonment
of the young Liberal group they had done so much to inspire and
organise； their dinner…table had long been a scene of hostile
depreciation of the BLUE WEEKLY and all its allies； week after week
Altiora proclaimed that I was 〃doing nothing；〃 and found other
causes for our bye…election triumphs； I counted Chambers Street a
dangerous place for me。 Yet； nevertheless； I was astonished to find
them using a private scandal against me。 They did。 I think
Handitch had filled up the measure of their bitterness； for I had
not only abandoned them； but I was succeeding beyond even their
power of misrepresentation。 Always I had been a wasp in their
spider's web； difficult to claim as a tool； uncritical；
antagonistic。 I admired their work and devotion enormously； but I
had never concealed my contempt for a certain childish vanity they
displayed； and for the frequent puerility of their political
intrigues。 I suppose contempt galls more than injuries； and anyhow
they had me now。 They had me。 Bailey； I found； was warning fathers
of girls against me as a 〃reckless libertine；〃 and Altiora； flushed；
roguish； and dishevelled； was sitting on her fender curb after
dinner； and pledging little parties of five or six women at a time
with infinite gusto not to let the matter go further。 Our cell was
open to the world； and a bleak； distressful daylight streaming in。
I had a gleam of a more intimate motive in Altiora from the reports
that came to me。 Isabel had been doing a series of five or six
articles in the POLITICAL REVIEW in support of our campaign； the
POLITICAL REVIEW which had hitherto been loyally Baileyite。 Quite
her best writing up to the present； at any rate； is in those papers；
and no doubt Altiora had had not only to read her in those invaded
columns； but listen to her praises in the mouths of the tactless
influential。 Altiora； like so many people who rely on gesture and
vocal insistence in conversation； writes a poor and slovenly prose
and handles an argument badly； Isabel has her University training
behind her and wrote from the first with the stark power of a clear…
headed man。 〃Now we know；〃 said Altiora； with just a gleam of
malice showing through her brightness； 〃now we know who helps with
the writing！〃
S