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carriage who were coming from the Anerley direction。
〃Lost anythink； Matey？〃 said he。
I explained。
〃'E's dropped 'is knife；〃 said my interlocutor； and joined in the
search。
〃What sort of 'andle was it； Matey？〃 said a small white…faced
sniffing boy in a big bowler hat。
I supplied the information。 His sharp little face scrutinised the
ground about us。
〃GOT it；〃 he said； and pounced。
〃Give it 'ere；〃 said the big boy hoarsely； and secured it。
I walked towards him serenely confident that he would hand it over
to me； and that all was for the best in the best of all possible
worlds。
〃No bloomin' fear！〃 he said； regarding me obliquely。 〃Oo said it
was your knife？〃
Remarkable doubts assailed me。 〃Of course it's my knife；〃 I said。
The other boys gathered round me。
〃This ain't your knife；〃 said the big boy； and spat casually。
〃I dropped it just now。〃
〃Findin's keepin's； I believe；〃 said the big boy。
〃Nonsense；〃 I said。 〃Give me my knife。〃
〃'Ow many blades it got？〃
〃Three。〃
〃And what sort of 'andle？〃
〃Bone。〃
〃Got a corkscrew like？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Ah！ This ain't your knife no'ow。 See？〃
He made no offer to show it to me。 My breath went。
〃Look here！〃 I said。 〃I saw that kid pick it up。 It IS my knife。〃
〃Rot！〃 said the big boy； and slowly； deliberately put my knife into
his trouser pocket。
I braced my soul for battle。 All civilisation was behind me； but I
doubt if it kept the colour in my face。 I buttoned my jacket and
clenched my fists and advanced on my antagonisthe had； I suppose；
the advantage of two years of age and three inches of height。 〃Hand
over that knife；〃 I said。
Then one of the smallest of the band assailed me with extraordinary
vigour and swiftness from behind； had an arm round my neck and a
knee in my back before I had the slightest intimation of attack； and
so got me down。 〃I got 'im； Bill；〃 squeaked this amazing little
ruffian。 My nose was flattened by a dirty hand； and as I struck out
and hit something like sacking； some one kicked my elbow。 Two or
three seemed to be at me at the same time。 Then I rolled over and
sat up to discover them all making off； a ragged flight； footballing
my cap； my City Merchants' cap； amongst them。 I leapt to my feet in
a passion of indignation and pursued them。
But I did not overtake them。 We are beings of mixed composition；
and I doubt if mine was a single…minded pursuit。 I knew that honour
required me to pursue； and I had a vivid impression of having just
been down in the dust with a very wiry and active and dirty little
antagonist of disagreeable odour and incredible and incalculable
unscrupulousness； kneeling on me and gripping my arm and neck。 I
wanted of course to be even with him； but also I doubted if catching
him would necessarily involve that。 They kicked my cap into the
ditch at the end of the field； and made off compactly along a cinder
lane while I turned aside to recover my dishonoured headdress。 As I
knocked the dust out of that and out of my jacket； and brushed my
knees and readjusted my very crumpled collar； I tried to focus this
startling occurrence in my mind。
I had vague ideas of going to a policeman or of complaining at a
police station； but some boyish instinct against informing prevented
that。 No doubt I entertained ideas of vindictive pursuit and
murderous reprisals。 And I was acutely enraged whenever I thought
of my knife。 The thing indeed rankled in my mind for weeks and
weeks； and altered all the flavour of my world for me。 It was the
first time I glimpsed the simple brute violence that lurks and peeps
beneath our civilisation。 A certain kindly complacency of attitude
towards the palpably lower classes was qualified for ever
4
But the other experience was still more cardinal。 It was the first
clear intimation of a new motif in life； the sex motif； that was to
rise and increase and accumulate power and enrichment and interweave
with and at last dominate all my life。
It was when I was nearly fifteen this happened。 It is inseparably
connected in my mind with the dusk of warm September evenings。 I
never met the girl I loved by daylight； and I have forgotten her
name。 It was some insignificant name。
Yet the peculiar quality of the adventure keeps it shining darkly
like some deep coloured gem in the common setting of my memories。
It came as something new and strange； something that did not join on
to anything else in my life or connect with any of my thoughts or
beliefs or habits； it was a wonder； a mystery； a discovery about
myself； a discovery about the whole world。 Only in after years did
sexual feeling lose that isolation and spread itself out to
illuminate and pervade and at last possess the whole broad vision of
life。
It was in that phase of an urban youth's development； the phase of
the cheap cigarette； that this thing happened。 One evening I came
by chance on a number of young people promenading by the light of a
row of shops towards Beckington； and； with all the glory of a
glowing cigarette between my lips； I joined their strolling number。
These twilight parades of young people； youngsters chiefly of the
lower middle…class； are one of the odd social developments of the
great suburban growthsunkindly critics； blind to the inner
meanings of things； call them； I believe； Monkeys' Paradesthe shop
apprentices； the young work girls； the boy clerks and so forth；
stirred by mysterious intimations； spend their first…earned money
upon collars and ties； chiffon hats； smart lace collars； walking…
sticks； sunshades or cigarettes； and come valiantly into the vague
transfiguring mingling of gaslight and evening； to walk up and down；
to eye meaningly； even to accost and make friends。 It is a queer
instinctive revolt from the narrow limited friendless homes in which
so many find themselves； a going out towards something； romance if
you will； beauty； that has suddenly become a needa need that
hitherto has lain dormant and unsuspected。 They promenade。
Vulgar！it is as vulgar as the spirit that calls the moth abroad in
the evening and lights the body of the glow…worm in the night。 I
made my way through the throng； a little contemptuously as became a
public schoolboy； my hands in my pocketsnone of your cheap canes
for me！and very careful of the lie of my cigarette upon my lips。
And two girls passed me； one a little taller than the other； with
dim warm…tinted faces under clouds of dark hair and with dark eyes
like pools reflecting stars。
I half turned； and the shorter one glanced back at me over her
shoulderI could draw you now the pose of her cheek and neck and
shoulderand instantly I was as passionately in love with the girl
as I have ever been before or since； as any man ever was with any
woman。 I turned about and followed them； I flung away my cigarette
ostentatiously and lifted my school cap and spoke to them。
The girl answered shyly with her dark eyes on my face。 What I said
and what she said I cannot remember； but I have little doubt it was
something absolutely vapid。 It really did not matter； the thing was
we had met。 I felt as I think a new…hatched moth must feel when
suddenly its urgent headlong searching brings it in tremulous
amazement upon its mate。
We met； covered from each other； with all the nets of civilisation
keeping us apart。 We walked side by side。
It led to scarcely more than that。 I think we met four or five
times altogether； and always with her nearly silent elder sister on
the other side of her。 We walked on the last two occasions arm in
arm； furtively caressing each other's hands； we went away from the
glare of the shops into the quiet roads of villadom； and there we
whispered instead of t