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found her； her own passion increasing with the consciousness of that
invincible love。 Intending to triumph by comparisons which would turn
to her advantage； she was never suspicious； or complaining； or
inquisitive； as are most young women； but； like a lioness who has
seized her prey and carries it to her lair to devour； she watched that
nothing should disturb her feast； and guarded me like a rebellious
captive。 I wrote to Henriette under her very eyes； but she never read
a line of my letters； she never sought in any way to know to whom they
were addressed。 I had my liberty； she seemed to say to herself； 〃If I
lose him it shall be my own fault；〃 and she proudly relied on a love
that would have given me her life had I asked for it；in fact she
often told me that if I left her she would kill herself。 I have heard
her praise the custom of Indian widows who burn themselves upon their
husband's grave。 〃In India that is a distinction reserved for the
higher classes；〃 she said； 〃and is very little understood by
Europeans； who are incapable of understanding the grandeur of the
privilege； you must admit； however； that on the dead level of our
modern customs aristocracy can rise to greatness only through
unparalleled devotions。 How can I prove to the middle classes that the
blood in my veins is not the same as theirs； unless I show them that I
can die as they cannot？ Women of no birth can have diamonds and satins
and horseseven coats…of…arms； which ought to be sacred to us； for
any one can buy a name。 But to love； with our heads up； in defiance of
law； to die for the idol we have chosen； with the sheets of our bed
for a shroud； to lay earth and heaven at his feet； robbing the
Almighty of his right to make a god； and never to betray that man；
never； never； even for virtue's sake；for； to refuse him anything in
the name of duty is to devote ourselves to something that is not HE；
and let that something be a man or an idea； it is betrayal all the
same；these are heights to which common women cannot attain； they
know but two matter…of…fact ways； the great high…road of virtue； or
the muddy path of the courtesan。〃
Pride； you see； was her instrument； she flattered all vanities by
deifying them。 She put me so high that she might live at my feet； in
fact； the seductions of her spirit were literally expressed by an
attitude of subserviency and her complete submission。 In what words
shall I describe those first six months when I was lost in enervating
enjoyments； in the meshes of a love fertile in pleasures and knowing
how to vary them with a cleverness learned by long experience； yet
hiding that knowledge beneath the transports of passion。 These
pleasures； the sudden revelation of the poetry of the senses；
constitute the powerful tie which binds young men to women older than
they。 It is the chain of the galley…slave； it leaves an ineffaceable
brand upon the soul； filling it with disgust for pure and innocent
love decked with flowers only； which serves no alcohol in curiously
chased cups inlaid with jewels and sparkling with unquenchable fires。
Recalling my early dreams of pleasures I knew nothing of； expressed at
Clochegourde in my 〃selams；〃 the voice of my flowers； pleasures which
the union of souls renders all the more ardent； I found many
sophistries by which I excused to myself the delight with which I
drained that jewelled cup。 Often； when； lost in infinite lassitude； my
soul disengaged itself from the body and floated far from earth； I
thought that these pleasures might be the means of abolishing matter
and of rendering to the spirit its power to soar。 Sometimes Lady
Dudley； like other women； profited by the exaltation in which I was to
bind me by promises； under the lash of a desire she wrung blasphemies
from my lips against the angel at Clochegourde。 Once a traitor I
became a scoundrel。 I continued to write to Madame de Mortsauf； in the
tone of the lad she had first known in his strange blue coat； but； I
admit it； her gift of second…sight terrified me when I thought what
ruin the indiscretion of a word might bring to the dear castle of my
hopes。 Often； in the midst of my pleasure a sudden horror seized me； I
heard the name of Henriette uttered by a voice above me； like that in
the Scriptures； demanding： 〃Cain； where is thy brother Abel？〃
At last my letters remained unanswered。 I was seized with horrible
anxiety and wished to leave for Clochegourde。 Arabella did not oppose
it； but she talked of accompanying me to Touraine。 Her woman's wit
told her that the journey might be a means of finally detaching me
from her rival； while I； blind with fear and guilelessly unsuspicious；
did not see the trap she set for me。 Lady Dudley herself proposed the
humblest concessions。 She would stay near Tours； at a little country…
place； alone； disguised； she would refrain from going out in the day…
time； and only meet me in the evening when people were not likely to
be about。 I left Tours on horseback。 I had my reasons for this； my
evening excursions to meet her would require a horse； and mine was an
Arab which Lady Hester Stanhope had sent to the marchioness； and which
she had lately exchanged with me for that famous picture of Rembrandt
which I obtained in so singular a way； and which now hangs in her
drawing…room in London。 I took the road I had traversed on foot six
years earlier and stopped beneath my walnut…tree。 From there I saw
Madame de Mortsauf in a white dress standing at the edge of the
terrace。 Instantly I rode towards her with the speed of lightning； in
a straight line and across country。 She heard the stride of the
swallow of the desert and when I pulled him up suddenly at the
terrace； she said to me： 〃Oh； you here！〃
Those three words blasted me。 She knew my treachery。 Who had told her？
her mother； whose hateful letter she afterwards showed me。 The feeble；
indifferent voice； once so full of life； the dull pallor of its tones
revealed a settled grief； exhaling the breath of flowers cut and left
to wither。 The tempest of infidelity； like those freshets of the Loire
which bury the meadows for all time in sand； had torn its way through
her soul； leaving a desert where once the verdure clothed the fields。
I led my horse through the little gate； he lay down on the grass at my
command and the countess； who came forward slowly； exclaimed； 〃What a
fine animal！〃 She stood with folded arms lest I should try to take her
hand； I guessed her meaning。
〃I will let Monsieur de Mortsauf know you are here；〃 she said； leaving
me。
I stood still； confounded； letting her go； watching her； always noble；
slow； and proud；whiter than I had ever seen her； on her brow the
yellow imprint of bitterest melancholy； her head bent like a lily
heavy with rain。
〃Henriette！〃 I cried in the agony of a man about to die。
She did not turn or pause； she disdained to say that she withdrew from
me that name； but she did not answer to it and continued on。 I may
feel paltry and small in this dreadful vale of life where myriads of
human beings now dust make the surface of the globe； small indeed
among that crowd； hurrying beneath the luminous spaces which light
them； but what sense of humiliation could equal that with which I
watched her calm white figure inflexibly mounting with even steps the
terraces of her chateau of Clochegourde； the pride and the torture of
that Christian Dido？ I cursed Arabella in a single imprecation which
might have killed her had she heard it； she who had left all for me as
some leave all for God。 I remained lost in a world of thought；
conscious of utter misery on all sides。 Presently I saw the whole
family coming down； Jacques； running with the eagerness of his age。
Madeleine； a gazelle with mournful eyes； walked with her mother。
Monsieur de Mortsauf came to me with open arms； pressed me to him and
kissed me on both cheeks crying out； 〃Felix； I know now that I owed
you my life。〃
Madame de Mortsauf stood with her back towards me during this little
scene； under pretext of showing the horse to Madeleine。
〃Ha； the devil！ that's what women are；〃 cried the count； 〃admiring
your horse！〃
Madeleine turned； came up to me； and I kissed her han