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told it all my troubles in that delicious inward prattle with which we
stammer our first ideas； just as once we stammered our first words。 At
twelve years of age； long after I was at school； I still watched that
star with indescribable delight；so deep and lasting are the
impressions we receive in the dawn of life。
My brother Charles； five years older than I and as handsome a boy as
he now is a man； was the favorite of my father； the idol of my mother；
and consequently the sovereign of the house。 He was robust and well…
made； and had a tutor。 I； puny and even sickly； was sent at five years
of age as day pupil to a school in the town； taken in the morning and
brought back at night by my father's valet。 I was sent with a scanty
lunch； while my school…fellows brought plenty of good food。 This
trifling contrast between my privations and their prosperity made me
suffer deeply。 The famous potted pork prepared at Tours and called
〃rillettes〃 and 〃rillons〃 was the chief feature of their mid…day meal；
between the early breakfast and the parent's dinner； which was ready
when we returned from school。 This preparation of meat； much prized by
certain gourmands； is seldom seen at Tours on aristocratic tables； if
I had ever heard of it before I went to school； I certainly had never
had the happiness of seeing that brown mess spread on slices of bread
and butter。 Nevertheless； my desire for those 〃rillons〃 was so great
that it grew to be a fixed idea； like the longing of an elegant
Parisian duchess for the stews cooked by a porter's wife；longings
which； being a woman； she found means to satisfy。 Children guess each
other's covetousness； just as you are able to read a man's love； by
the look in the eyes； consequently I became an admirable butt for
ridicule。 My comrades； nearly all belonging to the lower bourgeoisie；
would show me their 〃rillons〃 and ask if I knew how they were made and
where they were sold； and why it was that I never had any。 They licked
their lips as they talked of themscraps of pork pressed in their own
fat and looking like cooked truffles； they inspected my lunch…basket；
and finding nothing better than Olivet cheese or dried fruits； they
plagued me with questions： 〃Is that all you have？ have you really
nothing else？〃speeches which made me realize the difference between
my brother and myself。
This contrast between my own abandonment and the happiness of others
nipped the roses of my childhood and blighted my budding youth。 The
first time that I； mistaking my comrades' actions for generosity； put
forth my hand to take the dainty I had so long coveted and which was
now hypocritically held out to me； my tormentor pulled back his slice
to the great delight of his comrades who were expecting that result。
If noble and distinguished minds are； as we often find them； capable
of vanity； can we blame the child who weeps when despised and jeered
at？ Under such a trial many boys would have turned into gluttons and
cringing beggars。 I fought to escape my persecutors。 The courage of
despair made me formidable； but I was hated； and thus had no
protection against treachery。 One evening as I left school I was
struck in the back by a handful of small stones tied in a
handkerchief。 When the valet； who punished the perpetrator； told this
to my mother she exclaimed： 〃That dreadful child！ he will always be a
torment to us。〃
Finding that I inspired in my schoolmates the same repulsion that was
felt for me by my family； I sank into a horrible distrust of myself。 A
second fall of snow checked the seeds that were germinating in my
soul。 The boys whom I most liked were notorious scamps； this fact
roused my pride and I held aloof。 Again I was shut up within myself
and had no vent for the feelings with which my heart was full。 The
master of the school； observing that I was gloomy； disliked by my
comrades； and always alone； confirmed the family verdict as to my
sulky temper。 As soon as I could read and write； my mother transferred
me to Pont…le…Voy； a school in charge of Oratorians who took boys of
my age into a form called the 〃class of the Latin steps〃 where dull
lads with torpid brains were apt to linger。
There I remained eight years without seeing my family； living the life
of a pariah；partly for the following reason。 I received but three
francs a month pocket…money； a sum barely sufficient to buy the pens；
ink； paper； knives； and rules which we were forced to supply
ourselves。 Unable to buy stilts or skipping…ropes； or any of the
things that were used in the playground； I was driven out of the
games； to gain admission on suffrage I should have had to toady the
rich and flatter the strong of my division。 My heart rose against
either of these meannesses； which； however； most children readily
employ。 I lived under a tree； lost in dejected thought； or reading the
books distributed to us monthly by the librarian。 How many griefs were
in the shadow of that solitude； what genuine anguish filled my
neglected life！ Imagine what my sore heart felt when； at the first
distribution of prizes；of which I obtained the two most valued；
namely； for theme and for translation；neither my father nor my
mother was present in the theatre when I came forward to receive the
awards amid general acclamations； although the building was filled
with the relatives of all my comrades。 Instead of kissing the
distributor； according to custom； I burst into tears and threw myself
on his breast。 That night I burned my crowns in the stove。 The parents
of the other boys were in town for a whole week preceding the
distribution of the prizes； and my comrades departed joyfully the next
day； while I； whose father and mother were only a few miles distant；
remained at the school with the 〃outremers；〃a name given to scholars
whose families were in the colonies or in foreign countries。
You will notice throughout how my unhappiness increased in proportion
as the social spheres on which I entered widened。 God knows what
efforts I made to weaken the decree which condemned me to live within
myself！ What hopes； long cherished with eagerness of soul； were doomed
to perish in a day！ To persuade my parents to come and see me； I wrote
them letters full of feeling； too emphatically worded； it may be； but
surely such letters ought not to have drawn upon me my mother's
reprimand； coupled with ironical reproaches for my style。 Not
discouraged even then； I implored the help of my sisters； to whom I
always wrote on their birthdays and fete…days with the persistence of
a neglected child； but it was all in vain。 As the day for the
distribution of prizes approached I redoubled my entreaties； and told
of my expected triumphs。 Misled by my parents' silence； I expected
them with a beating heart。 I told my schoolfellows they were coming；
and then； when the old porter's step sounded in the corridors as he
called my happy comrades one by one to receive their friends； I was
sick with expectation。 Never did that old man call my name！
One day； when I accused myself to my confessor of having cursed my
life； he pointed to the skies； where grew； he said； the promised palm
for the 〃Beati qui lugent〃 of the Saviour。 From the period of my first
communion I flung myself into the mysterious depths of prayer；
attracted to religious ideas whose moral fairyland so fascinates young
spirits。 Burning with ardent faith； I prayed to God to renew in my
behalf the miracles I had read of in martyrology。 At five years of age
I fled to my star； at twelve I took refuge in the sanctuary。 My
ecstasy brought dreams unspeakable； which fed my imagination； fostered
my susceptibilities； and strengthened my thinking powers。 I have often
attributed those sublime visions to the guardian angel charged with
moulding my spirit to its divine destiny； they endowed my soul with
the faculty of seeing the inner soul of things； they prepared my heart
for the magic craft which makes a man a poet when the fatal power is
his to compare what he feels within him with reality；the great
things aimed for with the small things gained。 Those visions wrote
upon my brain a book in which I read that which I must voice； they
laid upon my lips the coal o