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upon my brain a book in which I read that which I must voice； they
laid upon my lips the coal of utterance。
My father having conceived some doubts as to the tendency of the
Oratorian teachings； took me from Pont…le…Voy； and sent me to Paris to
an institution in the Marais。 I was then fifteen。 When examined as to
my capacity； I； who was in the rhetoric class at Pont…le…Voy； was
pronounced worthy of the third class。 The sufferings I had endured in
my family and in school were continued under another form during my
stay at the Lepitre Academy。 My father gave me no money； I was to be
fed； clothed； and stuffed with Latin and Greek； for a sum agreed on。
During my school life I came in contact with over a thousand comrades；
but I never met with such an instance of neglect and indifference as
mine。 Monsieur Lepitre； who was fanatically attached to the Bourbons；
had had relations with my father at the time when all devoted
royalists were endeavoring to bring about the escape of Marie
Antoinette from the Temple。 They had lately renewed acquaintance； and
Monsieur Lepitre thought himself obliged to repair my father's
oversight； and to give me a small sum monthly。 But not being
authorized to do so； the amount was small indeed。
The Lepitre establishment was in the old Joyeuse mansion where； as in
all seignorial houses； there was a porter's lodge。 During a recess；
which preceded the hour when the man…of…all…work took us to the
Charlemagne Lyceum； the well…to…do pupils used to breakfast with the
porter； named Doisy。 Monsieur Lepitre was either ignorant of the fact
or he connived at this arrangement with Doisy； a regular smuggler whom
it was the pupils' interest to protect；he being the secret guardian
of their pranks； the safe confidant of their late returns and their
intermediary for obtaining forbidden books。 Breakfast on a cup of
〃cafe…au…lait〃 is an aristocratic habit； explained by the high prices
to which colonial products rose under Napoleon。 If the use of sugar
and coffee was a luxury to our parents； with us it was the sign of
self…conscious superiority。 Doisy gave credit； for he reckoned on the
sisters and aunts of the pupils； who made it a point of honor to pay
their debts。 I resisted the blandishments of his place for a long
time。 If my judges knew the strength of its seduction； the heroic
efforts I made after stoicism； the repressed desires of my long
resistance； they would pardon my final overthrow。 But； child as I was；
could I have the grandeur of soul that scorns the scorn of others？
Moreover； I may have felt the promptings of several social vices whose
power was increased by my longings。
About the end of the second year my father and mother came to Paris。
My brother had written me the day of their arrival。 He lived in Paris；
but had never been to see me。 My sisters； he said； were of the party；
we were all to see Paris together。 The first day we were to dine in
the Palais…Royal； so as to be near the Theatre…Francais。 In spite of
the intoxication such a programme of unhoped…for delights excited； my
joy was dampened by the wind of a coming storm； which those who are
used to unhappiness apprehend instinctively。 I was forced to own a
debt of a hundred francs to the Sieur Doisy； who threatened to ask my
parents himself for the money。 I bethought me of making my brother the
emissary of Doisy； the mouth…piece of my repentance and the mediator
of pardon。 My father inclined to forgiveness； but my mother was
pitiless； her dark blue eye froze me； she fulminated cruel prophecies：
〃What should I be later if at seventeen years of age I committed such
follies？ Was I really a son of hers？ Did I mean to ruin my family？ Did
I think myself the only child of the house？ My brother Charles's
career； already begun； required large outlay； amply deserved by his
conduct which did honor to the family； while mine would always
disgrace it。 Did I know nothing of the value of money； and what I cost
them？ Of what use were coffee and sugar to my education？ Such conduct
was the first step into all the vices。〃
After enduring the shock of this torrent which rasped my soul； I was
sent back to school in charge of my brother。 I lost the dinner at the
Freres Provencaux； and was deprived of seeing Talma in Britannicus。
Such was my first interview with my mother after a separation of
twelve years。
When I had finished school my father left me under the guardianship of
Monsieur Lepitre。 I was to study the higher mathematics； follow a
course of law for one year； and begin philosophy。 Allowed to study in
my own room and released from the classes； I expected a truce with
trouble。 But； in spite of my nineteen years； perhaps because of them；
my father persisted in the system which had sent me to school without
food； to an academy without pocket…money； and had driven me into debt
to Doisy。 Very little money was allowed to me； and what can you do in
Paris without money？ Moreover； my freedom was carefully chained up。
Monsieur Lepitre sent me to the law school accompanied by a man…of…
all…work who handed me over to the professor and fetched me home
again。 A young girl would have been treated with less precaution than
my mother's fears insisted on for me。 Paris alarmed my parents； and
justly。 Students are secretly engaged in the same occupation which
fills the minds of young ladies in their boarding…schools。 Do what you
will； nothing can prevent the latter from talking of lovers； or the
former of women。 But in Paris； and especially at this particular time；
such talk among young lads was influenced by the oriental and sultanic
atmosphere and customs of the Palais…Royal。
The Palais…Royal was an Eldorado of love where the ingots melted away
in coin； there virgin doubts were over； there curiosity was appeased。
The Palais…Royal and I were two asymptotes bearing one towards the
other； yet unable to meet。 Fate miscarried all my attempts。 My father
had presented me to one of my aunts who lived in the Ile St。 Louis。
With her I was to dine on Sundays and Thursdays； escorted to the house
by either Monsieur or Madame Lepitre； who went out themselves on those
days and were to call for me on their way home。 Singular amusement for
a young lad！ My aunt； the Marquise de Listomere； was a great lady； of
ceremonious habits； who would never have dreamed of offering me money。
Old as a cathedral； painted like a miniature； sumptuous in dress； she
lived in her great house as though Louis XV。 were not dead； and saw
none but old women and men of a past day；a fossil society which made
me think I was in a graveyard。 No one spoke to me and I had not the
courage to speak first。 Cold and alien looks made me ashamed of my
youth； which seemed to annoy them。 I counted on this indifference to
aid me in certain plans； I was resolved to escape some day directly
after dinner and rush to the Palais…Royal。 Once seated at whist my
aunt would pay no attention to me。 Jean； the footman； cared little for
Monsieur Lepitre and would have aided me； but on the day I chose for
my adventure that luckless dinner was longer than usual；either
because the jaws employed were worn out or the false teeth more
imperfect。 At last； between eight and nine o'clock； I reached the
staircase； my heart beating like that of Bianca Capello on the day of
her flight； but when the porter pulled the cord I beheld in the street
before me Monsieur Lepitre's hackney…coach； and I heard his pursy
voice demanding me！
Three times did fate interpose between the hell of the Palais…Royal
and the heaven of my youth。 On the day when I； ashamed at twenty years
of age of my own ignorance； determined to risk all dangers to put an
end to it； at the very moment when I was about to run away from
Monsieur Lepitre as he got into the coach；a difficult process； for
he was as fat as Louis XVIII。 and club…footed；well； can you believe
it； my mother arrived in a post…chaise！ Her glance arrested me； I
stood still； like a bird before a snake。 What fate had brought her
there？ The simplest thing in the world。 Napoleon was then making his
last efforts。 My father； who foresaw the return of the Bourbons； had
come to Paris with my mother to advise my brother； who