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family。 I cannot explain that want of loyalty in a man who is truly
chivalrous。 He is quite capable of riding at full speed to Paris to
buy me a set of ornaments； as he did the other day before the ball。
Miserly in his household； he would be lavish upon me if I wished it。 I
would it were reversed； I need nothing for myself； but the wants of
the household are many。 In my strong desire to make him happy； and not
reflecting that I might be a mother； I began my married life by
letting him treat me as a victim； I； who at that time by using a few
caresses could have led him like a childbut I was unable to play a
part I should have thought disgraceful。 Now； however； the welfare of
my family requires me to be as calm and stern as the figure of Justice
and yet； I too have a heart that overflows with tenderness。〃
〃But why；〃 I said； 〃do you not use this great influence to master him
and govern him？〃
〃If it concerned myself only I should not attempt either to overcome
the dogged silence with which for days together he meets my arguments；
nor to answer his irrational remarks； his childish reasons。 I have no
courage against weakness； any more than I have against childhood； they
may strike me as they will； I cannot resist。 Perhaps I might meet
strength with strength； but I am powerless against those I pity。 If I
were required to coerce Madeleine in some matter that would save her
life； I should die with her。 Pity relaxes all my fibres and unstrings
my nerves。 So it is that the violent shocks of the last ten years have
broken me down； my feelings； so often battered； are numb at times；
nothing can revive them； even the courage with which I once faced my
troubles begins to fail me。 Yes； sometimes I am beaten。 For want of
restI mean reposeand sea…baths by which to recover my nervous
strength； I shall perish。 Monsieur de Mortsauf will have killed me；
and he will die of my death。〃
〃Why not leave Clochegourde for a few months？ Surely you could take
your children and go to the seashore。〃
〃In the first place； Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if
I left him。 Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of
it。 He is both sane and mad； two natures in one man； a contradiction
which explains many an irrational action。 Besides this； he would have
good reason for objecting。 Nothing would go right here if I were
absent。 You may have seen in me the mother of a family watchful to
protect her young from the hawk that is hovering over them； a weighty
task； indeed； but harder still are the cares imposed upon me by
Monsieur de Mortsauf； whose constant cry； as he follows me about is；
'Where is Madame？' I am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's governess； but
that is not all； I am bailiff and steward too。 You will understand
what that means when you come to see； as you will； that the working of
an estate in these parts is the most fatiguing of all employments。 We
get small returns in money； the farms are cultivated on shares； a
system which needs the closest supervision。 We are obliged ourselves
to sell our own produce； our cattle and harvests of all kinds。 Our
competitors in the markets are our own farmers； who meet consumers in
the wine…shops and determine prices by selling first。 I should weary
you if I explained the many difficulties of agriculture in this
region。 No matter what care I give to it； I cannot always prevent our
tenants from putting our manure upon their ground； I cannot be ever on
the watch lest they take advantage of us in the division of the crops；
neither can I always know the exact moment when sales should be made。
So； if you think of Monsieur de Mortsauf's defective memory； and the
difficulty you have seen me have in persuading him to attend to
business； you can understand the burden that is on my shoulders； and
the impossibility of my laying it down for a single day。 If I were
absent we should be ruined。 No one would obey Monsieur de Mortsauf。 In
the first place his orders are conflicting； then no one likes him； he
finds incessant fault； and he is very domineering。 Moreover； like all
men of feeble mind； he listens too readily to his inferiors。 If I left
the house not a servant would be in it in a week's time。 So you see I
am attached to Clochegourde as those leaden finals are to our roof。 I
have no reserves with you。 The whole country…side is still ignorant of
the secrets of this house； but you know them； you have seen them。 Say
nothing but what is kind and friendly； and you shall have my esteem
my gratitude；〃 she added in a softer voice。 〃On those terms you are
welcome at Clochegourde； where you will find friends。〃
〃Ah！〃 I exclaimed； 〃I see that I have never really suffered； while
you〃
〃No； no！〃 she exclaimed； with a smile； that smile of all resigned
women which might melt a granite rock。 〃Do not be astonished at my
frank confidence； it shows you life as it is； not as your imagination
pictures it。 We all have our defects and our good qualities。 If I had
married a spendthrift he would have ruined me。 If I had given myself
to an ardent and pleasure…loving young man； perhaps I could not have
retained him； he might have left me； and I should have died of
jealousy。 For I am jealous！〃 she said； in a tone of excitement； which
was like the thunderclap of a passing storm。 〃But Monsieur de Mortsauf
loves me as much as he is capable of loving； all that his heart
contains of affection he pours at my feet； like the Magdalen's cup of
ointment。 Believe me； a life of love is an exception to the laws of
this earth； all flowers fade； great joys and emotions have a morrow of
evilif a morrow at all。 Real life is a life of anguish； its image is
in that nettle growing there at the foot of the wall；no sun can
reach it and it keeps green。 Yet； here； as in parts of the North；
there are smiles in the sky； few to be sure； but they compensate for
many a grief。 Moreover； women who are naturally mothers live and love
far more through sacrifices than through pleasures。 Here I draw upon
myself the storms I fear may break upon my children or my people； and
in doing so I feel a something I cannot explain； which gives me secret
courage。 The resignation of the night carries me through the day that
follows。 God does not leave me comfortless。 Time was when the
condition of my children filled me with despair； to…day as they
advance in life they grow healthier and stronger。 And then； after all；
our home is improved and beautified； our means are improving also。 Who
knows but Monsieur de Mortsauf's old age may be a blessing to me？ Ah；
believe me！ those who stand before the Great Judge with palms in their
hands； leading comforted to Him the beings who cursed their lives；
they； they have turned their sorrows into joy。 If my sufferings bring
about the happiness of my family； are they sufferings at all？〃
〃Yes；〃 I said； 〃they are； but they were necessary； as mine have been；
to make us understand the true flavor of the fruit that has ripened on
our rocks。 Now； surely； we shall taste it together； surely we may
admire its wonders； the sweetness of affection it has poured into our
souls； that inward sap which revives the searing leavesGood God！ do
you not understand me？〃 I cried； falling into the mystical language to
which our religious training had accustomed us。 〃See the paths by
which we have approached each other； what magnet led us through that
ocean of bitterness to these springs of running water； flowing at the
foot of those hills above the shining sands and between their green
and flowery meadows？ Have we not followed the same star？ We stand
before the cradle of a divine child whose joyous carol will renew the
world for us； teach us through happiness a love of life； give to our
nights their long…lost sleep； and to the days their gladness。 What
hand is this that year by year has tied new cords between us？ Are we
not more than brother and sister？ That which heaven has joined we must
not keep asunder。 The sufferings you reveal are the seeds scattered by
the sower for the harvest already ripening in the sunshine。 Shall we
not gather it sheaf by sheaf？ What strength is in me that I dare
address you thus！ Answer； or I will never again recross that