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tears that came into my eyes。
〃I ought to be so； I am more feeble；〃 she replied。
〃But；〃 I continued with the persistence of a child； 〃listen to me now
if only for the first； the last； the only time in your life。〃
〃Speak； then；〃 she said； 〃speak； or you will think I dare not hear
you。〃
Feeling that this was the turning moment of our lives； I spoke to her
in the tone that commands attention； I told her that all women whom I
had ever seen were nothing to me； but when I met her； I； whose life
was studious； whose nature was not bold； I had been； as it were；
possessed by a frenzy that no one who once felt it could condemn； that
never heart of man had been so filled with the passion which no being
can resist； which conquers all things； even death
〃And contempt？〃 she asked； stopping me。
〃Did you despise me？〃 I exclaimed。
〃Let us say no more on this subject；〃 she replied。
〃No； let me say all！〃 I replied； in the excitement of my intolerable
pain。 〃It concerns my life； my whole being； my inward self； it
contains a secret you must know or I must die in despair。 It also
concerns you； who； unawares； are the lady in whose hand is the crown
promised to the victor in the tournament！〃
Then I related to her my childhood and youth； not as I have told it to
you； judged from a distance； but in the language of a young man whose
wounds are still bleeding。 My voice was like the axe of a woodsman in
the forest。 At every word the dead years fell with echoing sound；
bristling with their anguish like branches robbed of their foliage。 I
described to her in feverish language many cruel details which I have
here spared you。 I spread before her the treasure of my radiant hopes；
the virgin gold of my desires； the whole of a burning heart kept alive
beneath the snow of these Alps； piled higher and higher by perpetual
winter。 When； bowed down by the weight of these remembered sufferings；
related as with the live coal of Isaiah； I awaited the reply of the
woman who listened with a bowed head； she illumined the darkness with
a look； she quickened the worlds terrestrial and divine with a single
sentence。
〃We have had the same childhood！〃 she said； turning to me a face on
which the halo of the martyrs shone。
After a pause； in which our souls were wedded in the one consoling
thought； 〃I am not alone in suffering；〃 the countess told me； in the
voice she kept for her little ones； how unwelcome she was as a girl
when sons were wanted。 She showed me how her troubles as a daughter
bound to her mother's side differed from those of a boy cast out upon
the world of school and college life。 My desolate neglect seemed to me
a paradise compared to that contact with a millstone under which her
soul was ground until the day when her good aunt； her true mother； had
saved her from this misery； the ever…recurring pain of which she now
related to me； misery caused sometimes by incessant faultfinding；
always intolerable to high…strung natures which do not shrink before
death itself but die beneath the sword of Damocles； sometimes by the
crushing of generous impulses beneath an icy hand； by the cold
rebuffal of her kisses； by a stern command of silence； first imposed
and then as often blamed； by inward tears that dared not flow but
stayed within the heart； in short； by all the bitterness and tyranny
of convent rule； hidden to the eyes of the world under the appearance
of an exalted motherly devotion。 She gratified her mother's vanity
before strangers； but she dearly paid in private for this homage。
When； believing that by obedience and gentleness she had softened her
mother's heart； she opened hers； the tyrant only armed herself with
the girl's confidence。 No spy was ever more traitorous and base。 All
the pleasures of girlhood； even her fete days； were dearly purchased；
for she was scolded for her gaiety as much as for her faults。 No
teaching and no training for her position had been given in love；
always with sarcastic irony。 She was not angry against her mother； in
fact she blamed herself for feeling more terror than love for her。
〃Perhaps；〃 she said； dear angel； 〃these severities were needful； they
had certainly prepared her for her present life。〃 As I listened it
seemed to me that the harp of Job； from which I had drawn such savage
sounds； now touched by the Christian fingers gave forth the litanies
of the Virgin at the foot of the cross。
〃We lived in the same sphere before we met in this；〃 I said； 〃you
coming from the east； I from the west。〃
She shook her head with a gesture of despair。
〃To you the east； to me the west；〃 she replied。 〃You will live happy；
I must die of pain。 Life is what we make of it； and mine is made
forever。 No power can break the heavy chain to which a woman is
fastened by this ring of goldthe emblem of a wife's purity。〃
We knew we were twins of one womb； she never dreamed of a half…
confidence between brothers of the same blood。 After a short sigh；
natural to pure hearts when they first open to each other； she told me
of her first married life； her deceptions and disillusions； the
rebirth of her childhood's misery。 Like me； she had suffered under
trifles； mighty to souls whose limpid substance quivers to the least
shock； as a lake quivers on the surface and to its utmost depths when
a stone is flung into it。 When she married she possessed some girlish
savings； a little gold； the fruit of happy hours and repressed
fancies。 These； in a moment when they were needed； she gave to her
husband； not telling him they were gifts and savings of her own。 He
took no account of them； and never regarded himself her debtor。 She
did not even obtain the glance of thanks that would have paid for all。
Ah！ how she went from trial to trial！ Monsieur de Mortsauf habitually
neglected to give her money for the household。 When； after a struggle
with her timidity； she asked him for it； he seemed surprised and never
once spared her the mortification of petitioning for necessities。 What
terror filled her mind when the real nature of the ruined man's
disease was revealed to her； and she quailed under the first outbreak
of his mad anger！ What bitter reflections she had made before she
brought herself to admit that her husband was a wreck！ What horrible
calamities had come of her bearing children！ What anguish she felt at
the sight of those infants born almost dead！ With what courage had she
said in her heart： 〃I will breathe the breath of life into them； I
will bear them anew day by day！〃 Then conceive the bitterness of
finding her greatest obstacle in the heart and hand from which a wife
should draw her greatest succor！ She saw the untold disaster that
threatened him。 As each difficulty was conquered； new deserts opened
before her； until the day when she thoroughly understood her husband's
condition； the constitution of her children； and the character of the
neighborhood in which she lived； a day when （like the child taken by
Napoleon from a tender home） she taught her feet to trample through
mud and snow； she trained her nerves to bullets and all her being to
the passive obedience of a soldier。
These things； of which I here make a summary； she told me in all their
dark extent； with every piteous detail of conjugal battles lost and
fruitless struggles。
〃You would have to live here many months；〃 she said； in conclusion；
〃to understand what difficulties I have met with in improving
Clochegourde； what persuasions I have had to use to make him do a
thing which was most important to his interests。 You cannot imagine
the childish glee he has shown when anything that I advised was not at
once successful。 All that turned out well he claimed for himself。 Yes；
I need an infinite patience to bear his complaints when I am half…
exhausted in the effort to amuse his weary hours； to sweeten his life
and smooth the paths which he himself has strewn with stones。 The
reward he gives me is that awful cry： 'Let me die； life is a burden to
me！' When visitors are here and he enjoys them； he forgets his gloom
and is courteous and polite。 You ask me why he cannot be so to his
family。 I cannot explain that want of loyalty in a man who is truly
chivalrous。 He is qu