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Augustus Does His Bit
by George Bernard Shaw
I wish to express my gratitude for certain good offices which
Augustus secured for me in January；1917。 I had been invited to
visit the theatre of war in Flanders by the Commander…in…Chief：
an invitation which was； under the circumstances； a summons to
duty。 Thus I had occasion to spend some days in procuring
the necessary passport and other official facilities for
my journey。 It happened just then that the Stage Society gave a
performance of this little play。 It opened the heart of every
official to me。 I have always been treated with distinguished
consideration in my contracts with bureaucracy during the war；
but on this occasion I found myself persona grata in the highest
degree。 There was only one word when the formalities were
disposed of； and that was 〃We are up against Augustus all day。〃
The showing…up of Augustus scandalized one or two innocent and
patriotic critics who regarded the prowess of the British army as
inextricably bound up with Highcastle prestige。 But our
Government departments knew better： their problem was how to win
the war with Augustus on their backs； well…meaning； brave；
patriotic； but obstructively fussy； self…important； imbecile； and
disastrous。
Save for the satisfaction of being able to laugh at Augustus in
the theatre； nothing； as far as I know； came of my dramatic
reduction of him to absurdity。 Generals； admirals； Prime
Ministers and Controllers； not to mention Emperors； Kaisers and
Tsars； were scrapped remorselessly at home and abroad； for their
sins or services； as the case might be。 But Augustus stood like
the Eddystone in a storm； and stands so to this day。 He gave us
his word that he was indispensable and we took it。
Augustus Does His Bit was performed for the first time at
the Court Theatre in London by the Stage Society on the
21st January； 1917； with Lalla Vandervelde as The Lady； F。
B。J。 Sharp as Lord Augustus Highcastle； and Charles Rock as
Horatio Floyd Beamish。
AUGUSTUS DOES HIS BIT
The Mayor's parlor in the Town Hall of Little Pifflington。 Lord
Augustus Highcastle； a distinguished member of the governing
class； in the uniform of a colonel； and very well preserved at
forty…five； is comfortably seated at a writing…table with his
heels on it； reading The Morning Post。 The door faces him； a
little to his left； at the other side of the room。 The window is
behind him。 In the fireplace； a gas stove。 On the table a bell
button and a telephone。 Portraits of past Mayors； in robes and
gold chains； adorn the walls。 An elderly clerk with a short white
beard and whiskers； and a very red nose； shuffles in。
AUGUSTUS ＇hastily putting aside his paper and replacing his feet
on the floor＇。 Hullo！ Who are you？
THE CLERK。 The staff ＇a slight impediment in his speech adds to
the impression of incompetence produced by his age and
appearance＇。
AUGUSTUS。 You the staff！ What do you mean； man？
THE CLERK。 What I say。 There ain't anybody else。
AUGUSTUS。 Tush！ Where are the others？
THE CLERK。 At the front。
AUGUSTUS。 Quite right。 Most proper。 Why aren't you at the front？
THE CLERK。 Over age。 Fifty…seven。
AUGUSTUS。 But you can still do your bit。 Many an older man is in
the G。R。's； or volunteering for home defence。
THE CLERK。 I have volunteered。
AUGUSTUS。 Then why are you not in uniform？
THE CLERK。 They said they wouldn't have me if I was given away
with a pound of tea。 Told me to go home and not be an old silly。
＇A sense of unbearable wrong； till now only smouldering in him；
bursts into flame。＇ Young Bill Knight； that I took with me； got
two and sevenpence。 I got nothing。 Is it justice？ This country is
going to the dogs； if you ask me。
AUGUSTUS ＇rising indignantly＇。 I do not ask you； sir； and I will
not allow you to say such things in my presence。 Our statesmen
are the greatest known to history。 Our generals are invincible。
Our army is the admiration of the world。 ＇Furiously。＇ How dare
you tell me that the country is going to the dogs！
THE CLERK。 Why did they give young Bill Knight two and
sevenpence； and not give me even my tram fare？ Do you call that
being great statesmen？ As good as robbing me； I call it。
AUGUSTUS。 That's enough。 Leave the room。 ＇He sits down and takes
up his pen； settling himself to work。 The clerk shuffles to the
door。 Augustus adds； with cold politeness＇ Send me the Secretary。
THE CLERK。 I'M the Secretary。 I can't leave the room and send
myself to you at the same time； can I？
AUGUSTUS； Don't be insolent。 Where is the gentleman I have been
corresponding with： Mr Horatio Floyd Beamish？
THE CLERK ＇returning and bowing＇。 Here。 Me。
AUGUSTUS。 You！ Ridiculous。 What right have you to call yourself
by a pretentious name of that sort？
THE CLERK。 You may drop the Horatio Floyd。 Beamish is good enough
for me。
AUGUSTUS。 Is there nobody else to take my instructions？
THE CLERK。 It's me or nobody。 And for two pins I'd chuck it。
Don't you drive me too far。 Old uns like me is up in the world
now。
AUGUSTUS。 If we were not at war； I should discharge you on the
spot for disrespectful behavior。 But England is in danger； and I
cannot think of my personal dignity at such a moment。 ＇Shouting
at him。＇ Don't you think of yours； either； worm that you are； or
I'll have you arrested under the Defence of the Realm Act； double
quick。
THE CLERK。 What do I care about the realm？ They done me out of
two and seven
AUGUSTUS。 Oh； damn your two and seven！ Did you receive my
letters？
THE CLERK。 Yes。
AUGUSTUS。 I addressed a meeting here last nightwent straight to
the platform from the train。 I wrote to you that I should expect
you to be present and report yourself。 Why did you not do so？
THE CLERK。 The police wouldn't let me on the platform。
AUGUSTUS。 Did you tell them who you were？
THE CLERK。 They knew who I was。 That's why they wouldn't let me
up。
AUGUSTUS。 This is too silly for anything。 This town wants waking
up。 I made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life； and
not a man joined。
THE CLERK。 What did you expect？ You told them our gallant fellows
is falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push。 Dying
for Little Pifflington； you says。 Come and take their places； you
says。 That ain't the way to recruit。
AUGUSTUS。 But I expressly told them their widows would have
pensions。
THE CLERK。 I heard you。 Would have been all right if it had been
the widows you wanted to get round。
AUGUSTUS ＇rising angrily＇。 This town is inhabited by dastards。 I
say it with a full sense of responsibility； DASTARDS！ They call
themselves Englishmen； and they are afraid to fight。
THE CLERK。 Afraid to fight！ You should see them on a Saturday
night。
AUGUSTUS。 Yes； they fight one another； but they won't fight the
Germans。
THE CLERK。 They got grudges again one another： how can they have
grudges again the Huns that they never saw？ They've no
imagination： that's what it is。 Bring the Huns here； and they'll
quarrel with them fast enough。
AUGUSTUS ＇returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust＇。 Mf！
They'll have them here if they're not careful。 ＇Seated。＇ Have you
carried out my orders about the war saving？
THE CLERK。 Yes。
AUGUSTUS。 The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three
quarters？
THE CLERK。 It has。
AUGUSTUS。 And you have told the motor…car people to come here and
arrange to start munition work now that their motor business is
stopped？
THE CLERK。 It ain't stopped。 They're busier than ever。
AUGUSTUS。 Busy at what？
THE CLERK。 Making small cars。
AUGUSTUS。 NEW cars！
THE CLERK。 The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon。
Everybody has to have a car that will do thirty…five now。
AUGUSTUS。 Can't they take the train？
THE CLERK。 There ain't no trains now。 They've tore up the rails
and sent them to the front。
AUGUSTUS。 Psha！
THE CLERK。 Well； we have to get about somehow。
AUGUSTUS。 This is perfectly monstrous。 Not in the least what I
intended。
THE CLERK。 Hell
AUGUSTUS。 Sir！
THE CLERK ＇explaining＇。 Hell； they says； is paved with good
intentions。
AUGUSTUS ＇springing to his feet＇。 Do you mean to insinu