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intentions。
AUGUSTUS ＇springing to his feet＇。 Do you mean to insinuate that
hell is paved with MY good intentionswith the good intentions
of His Majesty's Government？
THE CLERK。 I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence
of the Realm Act is repealed。 It ain't safe。
AUGUSTUS。 They told me that this town had set an example to all
England in the matter of economy。 I came down here to promise the
Mayor a knighthood for his exertions。
THE CLERK。 The Mayor！ Where do I come in？
AUGUSTUS。 You don't come in。 You go out。 This is a fool of a
place。 I'm greatly disappointed。 Deeply disappointed。 ＇Flinging
himself back into his chair。＇ Disgusted。
THE CLERK。 What more can we do？ We've shut up everything。 The
picture gallery is shut。 The museum is shut。 The theatres and
picture shows is shut： I haven't seen a movie picture for six
months。
AUGUSTUS。 Man； man： do you want to see picture shows when the Hun
is at the gate？
THE CLERK ＇mournfully＇。 I don't now； though it drove me
melancholy mad at first。 I was on the point of taking a pennorth
of rat poison
AUGUSTUS。 Why didn't you？
THE CLERK。 Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead。
That saved my life； though it makes me very poor company in the
mornings； as ＇hiccuping＇ perhaps you've noticed。
AUGUSTUS。 Well； upon my soul！ You are not ashamed to stand there
and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard。
THE CLERK。 Well； what of it？ We're at war now； and everything's
changed。 Besides； I should lose my job here if I stood drinking
at the bar。 I'm a respectable man and must buy my drink and take
it home with me。 And they won't serve me with less than a quart。
If you'd told me before the war that I could get through a quart
of whisky in a day； I shouldn't have believed you。 That's the
good of war： it brings out powers in a man that he never
suspected himself capable of。 You said so yourself in your speech
last night。
AUGUSTUS。 I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile。 You
ought to be ashamed of yourself。 There must be an end of this
drunken slacking。 I'm going to establish a new order of things
here。 I shall come down every morning before breakfast until
things are properly in train。 Have a cup of coffee and two rolls
for me here every morning at half…past ten。
THE CLERK。 You can't have no rolls。 The only baker that baked
rolls was a Hun； and he's been interned。
AUGUSTUS。 Quite right； too。 And was there no Englishman to take
his place？
THE CLERK。 There was。 But he was caught spying； and they took him
up to London and shot him。
AUGUSTUS。 Shot an Englishman！
THE CLERK。 Well； it stands to reason if the Germans wanted to spy
they wouldn't employ a German that everybody would suspect； don't
it？
AUGUSTUS ＇rising again＇。 Do you mean to say； you scoundrel； that
an Englishman is capable of selling his country to the enemy for
gold？
THE CLERK。 Not as a general thing I wouldn't say it； but there's
men here would sell their own mothers for two coppers if they got
the chance。
AUGUSTUS。 Beamish； it's an ill bird that fouls its own nest。
THE CLERK。 It wasn't me that let Little Pifflington get foul。 I
don't belong to the governing classes。 I only tell you why you
can't have no rolls。
AUGUSTUS ＇intensely irritated＇。 Can you tell me where I can find
an intelligent being to take my orders？
THE CLERK。 One of the street sweepers used to teach in the school
until it was shut up for the sake of economy。 Will he do？
AUGUSTUS。 What！ You mean to tell me that when the lives of the
gallant fellows in our trenches； and the fate of the British
Empire； depend on our keeping up the supply of shells； you are
wasting money on sweeping the streets？
THE CLERK。 We have to。 We dropped it for a while； but the infant
death rate went up something frightful。
AUGUSTUS。 What matters the death rate of Little Pifflington in a
moment like this？ Think of our gallant soldiers； not of your
squalling infants。
THE CLERK。 If you want soldiers you must have children。 You can't
buy em in boxes； like toy soldiers。
AUGUSTUS。 Beamish； the long and the short of it is； you are no
patriot。 Go downstairs to your office； and have that gas stove
taken away and replaced by an ordinary grate。 The Board of Trade
has urged on me the necessity for economizing gas。
THE CLERK。 Our orders from the Minister of Munitions is to use
gas instead of coal； because it saves material。 Which is it to
be？
AUGUSTUS ＇bawling furiously at him＇。 Both！ Don't criticize your
orders： obey them。 Yours not to reason why： yours but to do and
die。 That's war。 ＇Cooling down。＇ Have you anything else to say？
THE CLERK。 Yes： I want a rise。
AUGUSTUS ＇reeling against the table in his horror＇。 A rise！
Horatio Floyd Beamish； do you know that we are at war？
THE CLERK ＇feebly ironical＇。 I have noticed something about it in
the papers。 Heard you mention it once or twice； now I come to
think of it。
AUGUSTUS。 Our gallant fellows are dying in the trenches； and you
want a rise！
THE CLERK。 What are they dying for？ To keep me alive； ain't it？
Well； what's the good of that if I'm dead of hunger by the time
they come back？
AUGUSTUS。 Everybody else is making sacrifices without a thought
of self； and you
THE CLERK。 Not half； they ain't。 Where's the baker's sacrifice？
Where's the coal merchant's？ Where's the butcher's？ Charging me
double： that's how they sacrifice themselves。 Well； I want to
sacrifice myself that way too。 Just double next Saturday： double
and not a penny less； or no secretary for you ＇he stiffens
himself shakily； and makes resolutely for the door。＇
AUGUSTUS ＇looking after him contemptuously＇。 Go； miserable
pro…German。
THE CLERK ＇rushing back and facing him＇。 Who are you calling a
pro…German？
AUGUSTUS。 Another word； and I charge you under the Act with
discouraging me。 Go。
The clerk blenches and goes out； cowed。
The telephone rings。
AUGUSTUS ＇taking up the telephone receiver。 Hallo。 Yes： who are
you？。。。oh； Blueloo； is it？。。。Yes： there's nobody in the room：
fire away。 What？。。。A spy！。。。A woman！。。。Yes： brought it down with
me。 Do you suppose I'm such a fool as to let it out of my hands？
Why； it gives a list of all our anti…aircraft emplacements from
Ramsgate to Skegness。 The Germans would give a million for it
what？。。。 But how could she possibly know about it？ I haven't
mentioned it to a soul； except； of course； dear Lucy。。。Oh； Toto
and Lady Popham and that lot： they don't count： they're all
right。 I mean that I haven't mentioned it to any Germans。。。。
Pooh！ Don't you be nervous； old chap。 I know you think me a fool；
but I'm not such a fool as all that。 If she tries to get it out
of me I'll have her in the Tower before you ring up again。 ＇The
clerk returns。＇ Sh…sh！ Somebody's just come in： ring off。
Goodbye。 ＇He hangs up the receiver。＇
THE CLERK。 Are you engaged？ ＇His manner is strangely softened。＇
AUGUSTUS。 What business is that of yours？ However； if you will
take the trouble to read the society papers for this week； you
will see that I am engaged to the Honorable Lucy Popham； youngest
daughter of
THE CLERK。 That ain't what I mean。 Can you see a female？
AUGUSTUS。 Of course I can see a female as easily as a male。 Do
you suppose I'm blind？
THE CLERK。 You don't seem to follow me； somehow。 There's a female
downstairs： what you might call a lady。 She wants to know can you
see her if I let her up。
AUGUSTUS。 Oh； you mean am I disengaged。 Tell the lady I have just
received news of the greatest importance which will occupy my
entire attention for the rest of the day； and that she must write
for an appointment。
THE CLERK。 I'll ask her to explain her business to me。 I ain't
above talking to a handsome young female when I get the chance
＇going＇。
AUGUSTUS。 Stop。 Does she seem to be a person of consequence？
THE CLERK。 A regular marchioness； if you ask me。
AUGUSTUS。 Hm！ Beautiful； did you say？
THE CLERK。 A human chrysanthemum； sir； believe me。
AUGUSTUS。 It will be extremely inconvenient for me to see her；
but the country is in danger； and we must not consider our own
comfort。 Think how our gallant fellows are suffering in the
trenches！