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him dearly！”
“And you were so fully and so kindly occupied； excellent Dame
Durden；” said Richard； “that how could we speak to you at such a
time！ And besides； it was not a long…considered step。 We went out
one morning and were married。”
“And when it was done； Esther；” said my darling； “I was always
thinking how to tell you； and what to do for the best。 And
sometimes I thought you ought to know it directly； and sometimes
I thought you ought not to know it and keep it from my cousin
John； and I could not tell what to do； and I fretted very much。”
How selfish I must have been； not to have thought of this
before！ I don’t know what I said now。 I was so sorry； and yet I was
so fond of them； and so glad that they were fond of me； I pitied
them so much； and yet I felt a kind of pride in their loving one
another。 I never had experienced such painful and pleasurable
emotion at one time； and in my own heart I did not know which
predominated。 But I was not there to darken their way； I did not
do that。
When I was less foolish and more composed； my darling took
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her wedding ring from her bosom； and kissed it and put it on。
Then I remembered last night； and told Richard that ever since
her marriage she had worn it at night when there was no one to
see。 Then Ada blushingly asked me how did I know that； my dear？
Then I told Ada how I had seen her hand concealed under her
pillow； and had little thought why； my dear。 Then they began
telling me how it was； all over again； and I began to be sorry and
glad again； and foolish again； and to hide my plain old face as
much as I could； lest I should put them out of heart。
Thus the time went on； until it became necessary for me to
think of returning。 When that time arrived it was the worst of all；
for then my darling completely broke down。 She clung round my
neck； calling me by every dear name she could think of； and saying
what should she do without me！ Nor was Richard much better；
and as for me I should have been the worst of the three； if I had
not severely said to myself； “Now； Esther； if you do； I’ll never
speak to you again！”
“Why； I declare；” said I； “I never saw such a wife。 I don’t think
she loves her husband at all。 Here； Richard； take my child； for
goodness’ sake。” But I held her tight all the while； and could have
wept over her I don’t know how long。
“I give this dear young couple notice；” said I； “that I am only
going away to come back tomorrow； and that I shall be always
coming backwards and forwards； until Symond’s Inn is tired of the
sight of me。 So I shall not say good…bye； Richard。 For what would
be the use of that； you know； when I am coming back so soon！”
I had given my darling to him now； and I meant to go； but I
lingered for one more look of the precious face； which it seemed to
rive my heart to turn from。
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So I said （in a merry bustling manner） that unless they gave me
some encouragement to come back； I was not sure that I could
take that liberty； upon which my dear girl looked up； faintly
smiling through her tears； and I folded her lovely face between my
hands； and gave it one last kiss； and laughed； and ran away。
And when I got downstairs； O how I cried！ It almost seemed to
me that I had lost my Ada for ever。 I was so lonely and so blank
without her； and it was so desolate to be going home with no hope
of seeing her there； that I could get no comfort for a little while； as
I walked up and down in a dim corner； sobbing and crying。
I came to myself by…and…by； after a little scolding； and took a
coach home。 The poor boy whom I had found at St。 Albans had
reappeared a short time before； and was lying at the point of
death； indeed； was then dead； though I did not know it。 My
Guardian had gone out to inquire about him； and did not return to
dinner。 Being quite alone； I cried a little again； though； on the
whole； I don’t think I behaved so very； very ill。
It was only natural that I should not be quite accustomed to the
loss of my darling yet。 Three or four hours were not a long time
after years。 But my mind dwelt so much upon the uncongenial
scene in which I had left her； and I pictured it as such an
overshadowed stony…hearted one； and I so longed to be near her；
and taking some sort of care of her； that I determined to go back in
the evening； only to look up at her windows。
It was foolish； I dare say； but it did not then seem at all so to me；
and it does not seem quite so even now。 I took Charley into my
confidence； and we went out at dusk。 It was dark when we came to
the new strange home of my dear girl； and there was a light
behind the yellow blinds。 We walked past cautiously three or four
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times； looking up； and narrowly missed encountering Mr Vholes；
who came out of his office while we were there； and turned his
head to look up too； before going home。 The sight of his lank black
figure； and the lonesome air of that nook in the dark； were
favourable to the state of my mind。 I thought of the youth and love
and beauty of my dear girl； shut up in such an ill…assorted refuge；
almost as if it were a cruel place。
It was very solitary and very dull； and I did not doubt that I
might safely steal upstairs。 I left Charley below and went up with a
light foot； not distressed by any glare from the feeble oil lanterns
on the way。 I listened for a few moments； and in the musty rotting
silence of the house； believed that I could hear the murmur of
their young voices。 I put my lips to the hearse…like panel of the
door； as a kiss for my dear； and came quietly down again； thinking
that one of these days I would confess to the visit。
And it really did me good； for； though nobody but Charley and I
knew anything about it； I somehow felt as if it had diminished the
separation between Ada and me； and had brought us together
again for those moments。 I went back； not quite accustomed yet to
the change； but all the better for that hovering about my darling。
My Guardian had come home； and was standing thoughtfully
by the dark window。 When I went in； his face cleared and he came
to his seat； but he caught the light upon my face as I took mine。
“Little woman；” said he。 “You have been crying。”
“Why； yes； Guardian；” said I； “I am afraid I have been a little。
Ada has been in such distress； and is so very sorry；