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I reached an inner room where Doctor X was。 He looked me over；
while I described for him as best I could what seemed to be the
matter with me； and asked me a number of intimate questions touching
on the lives； works； characters and peculiarities of my ancestors；
after which he made me stand up in front of him and take my coat
off； and he punched me hither and yon with his forefinger。 He
also knocked repeatedly on my breastbone with his knuckles； and
each time； on doing this； would apply his ear to my chest and listen
intently for a spell； afterward shaking his head in a disappointed
way。 Apparently there was nobody at home。 For quite a time he
kept on knocking； but without getting any response。
He then took my temperature and fifteen dollars； and said it was
an interesting casenot unusual exactly； but interestingand
that it called for an operation。
From the way my heart and other organs jumped inside of me at
that statement I knew at once that； no matter what he may have
thought； the premises were not unoccupied。 Naturally I inquired
how soon he meant to operate。 Personally I trusted there was no
hurry about it。 I was perfectly willing to wait for several
years； if necessary。 He smiled at my ignorance。
〃I never operate；〃 he said； 〃operating is entirely out of my line。
I am a diagnostician。〃
He was； tooI give him full credit for that。 He was a good；
keen； close diagnostician。 How did he know I had only fifteen
dollars on me？ You did not have to tell this man what you had；
or how much。 He knew without being told。
I asked whether he was acquainted with Doctor YY being a person
whom I had met casually at a club to which I belong。 Oh； yes； he
said； he knew Doctor Y。 Y was a clever man； X saidvery； very
clever； but Y specialized in the eyes； the ears； the nose and the
throat。 I gathered from what Doctor X said that any time Doctor Y
ventured below the thorax he was out of bounds and liable to be
penalized； and that if by any chance he strayed down as far as the
lungs he would call for help and back out as rapidly as possible。
This was news to me。 It would appear that these up…to…date
practitioners just go ahead and divide you up and partition you
out among themselves without saying anything to you about it。 Your
torso belongs to one man and your legs are the exclusive property
of his brother practitioner down on the next block； and so on。
You may belong to as many as half a dozen specialists； most of
whom； very possibly； are total strangers to you； and yet never
know a thing about it yourself。
It has rather the air of trespassnay； more than that； it bears
some of the aspects of unlawful entrybut I suppose it is legal。
Certainly； judging by what I am able to learn； the system is being
carried on generally。 So it must be ethical。 Anything doctors
do in a mass is ethical。 Almost anything they do singly and on
individual responsibility is unethical。 Being ethical among doctors
is practically the same thing as being a Democrat in Texas or a
Presbyterian in Scotland。
〃Y will never do for you；〃 said Doctor X； when I had rallied
somewhat from the shock of these disclosures。 〃I would suggest
that you go to Doctor Z； at such…and…such an address。 You are
exactly in Z's line。 I'll let him know that you are coming and
when； and I'll send him down my diagnosis。〃
So that same afternoon； the appointment having been made by
telephone； I went； full of quavery emotions； to Doctor Z's place。
As soon as I was inside his outer hallway； I realized that I was
nearing the presence of one highly distinguished in his profession。
A pussy…footed male attendant； in a livery that made him look like
a cross between a headwaiter and an undertaker's assistant； escorted
me through an anteroom into a reception…room； where a considerable
number of well…dressed men and women were sitting about in strained
attitudes； pretending to read magazines while they waited their
turns； but in reality furtively watching one another。
I sat down in a convenient chair； adhering fast to my hat and my
umbrella。 They were the only friends I had there and I was
determined not to lose them without a struggle。 On the wall were
many colored charts showing various portions of the human anatomy
and what ailed them。 Directly in front of me was a very thrilling
illustration； evidently copied from an oil painting； of a liver
in a bad state of repair。 I said to myself that if I had a liver
like that one I should keep it hidden from the public eyeI would
never permit it to sit for it's portrait。 Still； there is no
accounting for tastes。 I know a man who got his spleen back from
the doctors and now keeps it in a bottle of alcohol on the what…not
in the parlor； as one of his most treasured possessions； and
sometimes shows it to visitors。 He； however； is of a very saving
disposition。
Presently a lady secretary； who sat behind a roll…top desk in a
corner of the room； lifted a forefinger and silently beckoned me
to her side。 I moved over and sat down by her； she took down my
name and my age and my weight and my height； and a number of other
interesting facts that will come in very handy should anyone ever
be moved to write a complete history of my early life。 In common
with Doctor X she shared one attributeshe manifested a deep
curiosity regarding my forefatherswanted to know all about them。
I felt that this was carrying the thing too far。 I felt like
saying to her：
〃Miss or madam； so far as I know there is nothing the matter with
my ancestors of the second and third generations back； except that
they are dead。 I am not here to seek medical assistance for a
grandparent who succumbed to disappointment that time when Samuel
J。 Tilden got counted out； or for a great…grandparent who entered
into Eternal Rest very unexpectedly and in a manner entirely
uncalled for as a result of being an innocent bystander in one of
those feuds that were so popular in my native state immediately
following the Mexican War。 Leave my ancestors alone。 There is
no need of your shaking my family tree in the belief that a few
overripe patients will fall out。 I aloneI； me； myselfam the
present candidate！〃
However； I refrained from making this protest audibly。 I judged
she was only going according to the ritual； and as she had a
printed card； with blanks in it ready to be filled out with details
regarding the remote members of the family connection； I humored
her along。
When I could not remember something she wished to know concerning
an ancestor I supplied her with thrilling details culled from the
field of fancy。 When the card was entirely filled up she sent me
back to my old place to wait。 I waited and waited； breeding fresh
ailments all the time。 I had started out with one symptom； now if
I had one I had a million and a half。 I could feel goose flesh
sprouting out all over me。 If I had been taller I might have had
more； but not otherwise。 Such is the power of the human imagination
when the surroundings are favorable to its development。
Time passed； to me it appeared that nearly all the time there was
passed and that we were getting along toward the shank…end of the
Christian era mighty fast。 I was afraid my turn would come next
and afraid it would not。 Perhaps you know this sensation。 You
get it at the dentist's； and when you are on the list of after…dinner
speakers at a large banquet； and when you are waiting for the
father of the Only Girl in the World to make up his mind whether
he is willing to try to endure you as a son…in…law。
Then some more time passed。
One by one my companions； obeying a command； passed out through
the door at the back； vanishing out of my life forever。 None of
them returned。 I was vaguely wondering whether Doctor Z buried
his dead on the premises or had them removed by a secret passageway
in the rear； when a young woman in a nurse's costume tapped me
on the shoulder from behind。
I jumped。 She hid a compassionate smile with her hand and told
me that the doctor would see me now。
As I rose to follow herstill clinging with the drowning man's
grip of desperation to my hat and my umbrellaI was as