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at the deceased； smilin' a peaceful sort o' heavinly smile； and everybody
sayin' he's gone to meet his reward； and this yer friend turns round； short
and sudden on the widder settin' in her pew； and kinder enjoyin； as wimen
will； all the compliments paid the corpse； and he says； says he：
〃'What did you say your husband died of； marm？'
〃'Consumption；' she says； wiping her eyes； poor critter。 'Consumption
gallopin' consumption。'
〃'Consumption be dd；' sez he； bein' a profane kind of Chicago doctor；
and not bein' ever under conviction。 'Thet man died of strychnine。
Look at thet face。 Look at thet contortion of them fashal muscles。
Thet's strychnine。 Thet's risers Sardonikus' （thet's what he said； he was
always sorter profane）。
〃'Why； doctor；' says the widder； 'thetthet is his last smile。 It's a
Christian's resignation。'
〃'Thet be blowed； don't tell me；' sez he。 'Hell is full of thet kind of
resignation。 It's pizon。 And I'll' Why； dern my skin； yes we are； yes；
it's Joliet。 Wall； now； who'd hey thought we'd been nigh onto an hour。〃
Two or three anxious passengers from their berths： 〃Say； look yer；
stranger！ Old man！ What became of〃
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But the One Man and the Other Man had vanished。
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MORNING ON THE AVENUE
NOTES BY AN EARLY RISER。
I have always been an early riser。 The popular legend that 〃Early to
bed and early to rise；〃 invariably and rhythmically resulted in
healthfulness； opulence； and wisdom； I beg here to solemnly protest
against。 As an 〃unhealthy〃 man； as an 〃unwealthy〃 man； and doubtless
by virtue of this protest an 〃unwise〃 man； I am； I think； a glaring example
of the untruth of the proposition。
For instance； it is my misfortune； as an early riser； to live upon a
certain fashionable avenue； where the practice of early rising is confined
exclusively to domestics。 Consequently； when I issue forth on this broad；
beautiful thoroughfare at six A。 M。； I cannot help thinking that I am； to a
certain extent； desecrating its traditional customs。
I have more than once detected the milkman winking at the maid with
a diabolical suggestion that I was returning from a carouse； and
Roundsman 9999 has once or twice followed me a block or two with the
evident impression that I was a burglar returning from a successful
evening out。 Nevertheless； these various indiscretions have brought me
into contact with a kind of character and phenomena whose existence I
might otherwise have doubted。
First； let me speak of a large class of working…people whose presence
is； I think； unknown to many of those gentlemen who are in the habit of
legislating or writing about them。 A majority of these early risers in the
neighborhood of which I may call my 〃beat〃 carry with them
unmistakable evidences of the American type。 I have seen so little of that
foreign element that is popularly supposed to be the real working class of
the great metropolis； that I have often been inclined to doubt statistics。
The ground that my morning rambles cover extends from Twenty…third
Street to Washington Park； and laterally from Sixth Avenue to Broadway。
The early rising artisans that I meet here； crossing three avenues； the
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milkmen； the truck…drivers； the workman； even the occasional tramp；
wherever they may come from or go to； or what their real habitat may be；…
…are invariably Americans。 I give it as an honest record； whatever its
significance or insignificance may be； that during the last year； between
the hours of six and eight A。 M。； in and about the locality I have
mentioned； I have met with but two unmistakable foreigners； an Irishman
and a German。 Perhaps it may be necessary to add to this statement that
the people I have met at those early hours I have never seen at any other
time in the same locality。
As to their quality； the artisans were always cleanly dressed； intelligent；
and respectful。 I remember； however； one morning； when the ice storm
of the preceding night had made the sidewalks glistening； smiling and
impassable； to have journeyed down the middle of Twelfth Street with a
mechanic so sooty as to absolutely leave a legible track in the snowy
pathway。 He was the fireman attending the engine in a noted
manufactory； and in our brief conversation he told me many facts
regarding his profession which I fear interested me more than the after…
dinner speeches of some distinguished gentlemen I had heard the
preceding night。 I remember that he spoke of his engine as 〃she；〃 and
related certain circumstances regarding her inconsistency； her aberrations；
her pettishnesses； that seemed to justify the feminine gender。 I have a
grateful recollection of him as being one who introduced me to a
restaurant where chicory； thinly disguised as coffee； was served with bread
at five cents a cup； and that he honorably insisted on being the host； and
paid his ten cents for our mutual entertainment with the grace of a
Barmecide。 I remember； in a more genial season；I think early summer；…
…to have found upon the benches of Washington Park a gentleman who
informed me that his profession was that of a 〃pigeon catcher〃； that he
contracted with certain parties in this city to furnish these birds for what
he called their 〃pigeon…shoots〃； and that in fulfilling this contract he often
was obliged to go as far west as Minnesota。 The details he gavehis
methods of entrapping the birds； his study of their habits； his evident belief
that the city pigeon； however well provided for by parties who fondly
believed the bird to be their own； was really ferae naturae； and
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consequently 〃game〃 for the pigeon…catcherwere all so interesting that I
listened to him with undisguised delight。 When he had finished； however；
he said； 〃And now； sir； being a poor man； with a large family； and work
bein' rather slack this year； if ye could oblige me with the loan of a dollar
and your address； until remittances what I'm expecting come in from
Chicago； you'll be doin' me a great service；〃 etc。； etc。 He got the dollar；
of course （his information was worth twice the money）； but I imagine he
lost my address。 Yet it is only fair to say that some days after； relating his
experience to a prominent sporting man； he corroborated all its details； and
satisfied me that my pigeon… catching friend； although unfortunate； was
not an impostor。
And this leads me to speak of the birds。