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when he opened his lips they all hung on his words with admiration （he
never honored a particular individual with a remark； but addressed it
with a broad generality to the horses； the stables； the surrounding
country and the human underlings）； when he discharged a facetious
insulting personality at a hostler； that hostler was happy for the day；
when he uttered his one jestold as the hills； coarse； profane； witless；
and inflicted on the same audience； in the same language； every time his
coach drove up therethe varlets roared； and slapped their thighs； and
swore it was the best thing they'd ever heard in all their lives。 And
how they would fly around when he wanted a basin of water； a gourd of the
same； or a light for his pipe！but they would instantly insult a
passenger if he so far forgot himself as to crave a favor at their hands。
They could do that sort of insolence as well as the driver they copied it
fromfor； let it be borne in mind； the overland driver had but little
less contempt for his passengers than he had for his hostlers。
The hostlers and station…keepers treated the really powerful conductor of
the coach merely with the best of what was their idea of civility； but
the driver was the only being they bowed down to and worshipped。 How
admiringly they would gaze up at him in his high seat as he gloved
himself with lingering deliberation； while some happy hostler held the
bunch of reins aloft； and waited patiently for him to take it！ And how
they would bombard him with glorifying ejaculations as he cracked his
long whip and went careering away。
The station buildings were long； low huts； made of sundried； mud…colored
bricks； laid up without mortar （adobes； the Spaniards call these bricks；
and Americans shorten it to 'dobies）。 The roofs； which had no slant to
them worth speaking of； were thatched and then sodded or covered with a
thick layer of earth； and from this sprung a pretty rank growth of weeds
and grass。 It was the first time we had ever seen a man's front yard on
top of his house。 The building consisted of barns； stable…room for
twelve or fifteen horses； and a hut for an eating…room for passengers。
This latter had bunks in it for the station…keeper and a hostler or two。
You could rest your elbow on its eaves； and you had to bend in order to
get in at the door。 In place of a window there was a square hole about
large enough for a man to crawl through； but this had no glass in it。
There was no flooring； but the ground was packed hard。 There was no
stove； but the fire…place served all needful purposes。 There were no
shelves； no cupboards； no closets。 In a corner stood an open sack of
flour； and nestling against its base were a couple of black and venerable
tin coffee…pots； a tin teapot； a little bag of salt； and a side of bacon。
By the door of the station…keeper's den； outside； was a tin wash…basin；
on the ground。 Near it was a pail of water and a piece of yellow bar
soap； and from the eaves hung a hoary blue woolen shirt； significantly
but this latter was the station…keeper's private towel； and only two
persons in all the party might venture to use itthe stage…driver and
the conductor。 The latter would not； from a sense of decency； the former
would not； because did not choose to encourage the advances of a station…
keeper。 We had towelsin the valise； they might as well have been in
Sodom and Gomorrah。 We （and the conductor） used our handkerchiefs； and
the driver his pantaloons and sleeves。 By the door； inside； was fastened
a small old…fashioned looking…glass frame； with two little fragments of
the original mirror lodged down in one corner of it。 This arrangement
afforded a pleasant double…barreled portrait of you when you looked into
it； with one half of your head set up a couple of inches above the other
half。 From the glass frame hung the half of a comb by a stringbut if I
had to describe that patriarch or die； I believe I would order some
sample coffins。
It had come down from Esau and Samson； and had been accumulating hair
ever sincealong with certain impurities。 In one corner of the room
stood three or four rifles and muskets； together with horns and pouches
of ammunition。 The station…men wore pantaloons of coarse； country…woven
stuff； and into the seat and the inside of the legs were sewed ample
additions of buckskin； to do duty in place of leggings； when the man rode
horsebackso the pants were half dull blue and half yellow； and
unspeakably picturesque。 The pants were stuffed into the tops of high
boots； the heels whereof were armed with great Spanish spurs； whose
little iron clogs and chains jingled with every step。 The man wore a
huge beard and mustachios； an old slouch hat； a blue woolen shirt； no
suspenders； no vest； no coatin a leathern sheath in his belt； a great
long 〃navy〃 revolver （slung on right side； hammer to the front）； and
projecting from his boot a horn…handled bowie…knife。 The furniture of
the hut was neither gorgeous nor much in the way。 The rocking…chairs and
sofas were not present； and never had been； but they were represented by
two three…legged stools； a pine…board bench four feet long； and two empty
candle…boxes。 The table was a greasy board on stilts； and the table…
cloth and napkins had not comeand they were not looking for them；
either。 A battered tin platter； a knife and fork； and a tin pint cup；
were at each man's place； and the driver had a queens…ware saucer that
had seen better days。 Of course this duke sat at the head of the table。
There was one isolated piece of table furniture that bore about it a
touching air of grandeur in misfortune。 This was the caster。 It was
German silver； and crippled and rusty； but it was so preposterously out
of place there that it was suggestive of a tattered exiled king among
barbarians； and the majesty of its native position compelled respect even
in its degradation。
There was only one cruet left； and that was a stopperless； fly…specked；
broken…necked thing； with two inches of vinegar in it； and a dozen
preserved flies with their heels up and looking sorry they had invested
there。
The station…keeper upended a disk of last week's bread； of the shape and
size of an old…time cheese； and carved some slabs from it which were as
good as Nicholson pavement； and tenderer。
He sliced off a piece of bacon for each man； but only the experienced old
hands made out to eat it； for it was condemned army bacon which the
United States would not feed to its soldiers in the forts； and the stage
company had bought it cheap for the sustenance of their passengers and
employees。 We may have found this condemned army bacon further out on
the plains than the section I am locating it in； but we found itthere
is no gainsaying that。
Then he poured for us a beverage which he called 〃Slum gullion；〃 and it
is hard to think he was not inspired when he named it。 It really
pretended to be tea； but there was too much dish…rag； and sand； and old
bacon…rind in it to deceive the intelligent traveler。
He had no sugar and no milknot even a spoon to stir the ingredients
with。
We could not eat the bread or the meat； nor drink the 〃slumgullion。〃 And
when I looked at that melancholy vinegar…cruet； I thought of the anecdote
（a very； very old one； even at that day） of the traveler who sat down to
a table which had nothing on it but a mackerel and a pot of mustard。 He
asked the landlord if this was all。 The landlord said：
〃All！ Why； thunder and lightning； I should think there was mackerel
enough there for six。〃
〃But I don't like mackerel。〃
〃Ohthen help yourself to the mustard。〃
In other days I had considered it a good； a very good； anecdote； but
there was a dismal plausibility about it； here； that took all the humor
out of it。
Our breakfast was before us； but our teeth were idle。
I tasted and smelt； and said I would take coffee； I believed。 The
station…boss stopped dead still； and glared at me speechless。 At last；
when he came to； he turned away and said； as one who communes with
himself upon a matter too vast to grasp：
〃Coffee！ Well； if that don't go clean ahead of me； I'm d…d！〃
We could not eat； and there wa