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Spirit philology；
High…class astrology；
Such is his knowledge； he
Isn't the man to require an apology！
Oh！
My name is John Wellington Wells；
I'm a dealer in magic and spells；
In blessings and curses
And ever…filled purses；
In prophecies； witches； and knells。
If any one anything lacks；
He'll find it all ready in stacks；
If he'll only look in
On the resident Djinn；
Number seventy； Simmery Axe！
ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very
important matter。 I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy…Hydrogen
Love…at…first…sight Philtre？
WELLS Sir； it is our leading article。 （Producing a phial。）
ALEXIS Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee
it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your
advertisement？
WELLS Sir； we are not in the habit of puffing our goods。
Ours is an old…established house with a large family connection；
and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully
realized。 （Hurt）
ALINE （aside） Oh； Alexis； don't offend him！ He'll change
us into something dreadfulI know he will！
ALEXIS I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to
distribute this philtre； secretly； among the inhabitants of this
village。 I shall of course require a quantity。 How do you sell
it？
WELLS In buying a quantity； sir； we should strongly advise
your taking it in the wood； and drawing it off as you happen to
want it。 We have it in four…and…a…half and nine gallon
casksalso in pipes and hogsheads for laying down； and we deduct
10 per cent from prompt cash。
ALEXIS I should mention that I am a Member of the Army and
Navy Stores。
WELLS In that case we deduct 25 percent。
ALEXIS Aline； the villagers will assemble to carouse in a
few minutes。 Go and fetch the tea…pot。
ALINE But； Alexis
ALEXIS My dear； you must obey me； if you please。 Go and
fetch the teapot。
ALINE （going） I'm sure Dr。 Daly would disapprove of it！
（Exit Aline。）
ALEXIS And how soon does it take effect？
WELLS In twelve hours。 Whoever drinks of it loses
consciousness for that period； and on waking falls in love； as a
matter of course； with the first lady he meets who has also
tasted it； and his affection is at once returned。 One trial will
prove the fact。
Enter Aline with large tea…pot
ALEXIS Good： then； Mr。 Wells； I shall feel obliged if you
will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will
suffice to affect the whole village。
ALINE But bless me； Alexis； many of the villages are
married people！
WELLS Madam； this philtre is compounded on the strictest
principles。 On married people it has no effect whatever。 But
are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you
through the fearful ordeal？
ALEXIS In the good cause I fear nothing。
WELLS Very good； then； we will proceed at once to the
Incantation。
The stage grows dark。
INCANTATION
WELLS。 Sprites of earth and air
Fiends of flame and fire
Demon souls；
Come here in shoals；
This dreaded deed inspire！
Appear； appear； appear。
MALE VOICES。 Good master； we are here！
WELLS。 Noisome hags of night
Imps of deadly shade
Pallid ghosts；
Arise in hosts；
And lend me all your aid。
Appear； appear； appear！
FEMALE VOICES。 Good master； we are here！
ALEXIS。 （aside） Hark； they assemble；
These fiends of the night！
ALINE。 （aside） Oh Alexis； I tremble；
Seek safety in flight！
ARIA … ALINE
Let us fly to a far…off land；
Where peace and plenty dwell
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell
To the joy that land will give；
On the wings of Love we'll fly；
In innocence； there to live
In innocence there to die！
CHORUS OF SPIRITS。
Too latetoo late
It may not be！
That happy fate
Is not for （me/thee）！
ALEXIS； ALINE； and MR。 W。
Too latetoo late；
That may not be！
That happy fate；
Is not for thee！
MR。 WELLS
Now shrivelled hags； with poison bags；
Discharge your loathsome loads！
Spit flame and fire； unholy choir！
Belch forth your venom； toads！
Ye demons fell； with yelp and yell；
Shed curses far afield
Ye fiends of night； your filthy blight
In noisome plenty yield！
WELLS （pouring phial into tea…potflash）
Number One！
CHORUS It is done！
WELLS （same business） Number Two！ （flash）
CHORUS One too few！
WELLS Number Three！ （flash）
CHORUS Set us free！
Set us free…our work is done
Ha！ ha！ ha！
Set us freeour course is run！
Ha！ ha！ ha！
ALINE AND ALEXIS （aside）
Let us fly to a far…off land；
Where peace and plenty dwell
Where the sigh of the silver strand
Is echoed in every shell。
CHORUS OF FIENDS。
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！
（Stage grows light。 Mr。 Wells beckons villagers。 Enter villagers
and all the dramatis personae； dancing joyously。 Mrs。 Partlet and
Mr。 Wells then distribute tea…cups。）
CHORUS。
Now to the banquet we press；
Now for the eggs； the ham；
Now for the mustard and cress；
Now for the strawberry jam！
Now for the tea of our host；
Now for the rollicking bun；
Now for the muffin and toast；
Now for the gay Sally Lunn！
WOMEN。 The eggs and the ham； and the strawberry jam！
MEN。 The rollicking bun； and the gay Sally Lunn！
The rollicking； rollicking bun！
RECITATIVESIR MARMADUKE
Be happy allthe feast is spread before ye；
Fear nothing； but enjoy yourselves； I pray！
Eat； aye； and drinkbe merry； I implore ye；
For once let thoughtless Folly rule the day。
TEA…CUP BRINDISI
Eat； drink； and be gay；
Banish all worry and sorrow；
Laugh gaily to…day；
Weep； if you're sorry； to…morrow！
Come； pass the cup around