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SONG SIR JOSEPH
When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney's firm。
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor；
And I polished up the handle of the big front door。
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee！
CHORUS。He polished； etc。
As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk。
I served the writs with a smile so bland；
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand
I copied all the letters in a hand so free；
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee！
CHORUS。… He copied； etc。
In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became；
I wore clean collars and a brand…new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute；
And that pass examination did so well for me；
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee！
CHORUS。And that pass examination； etc。
Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership。
And that junior partnership； I ween；
Was the only ship that I ever had seen。
But that kind of ship so suited me；
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee！
CHORUS。… But that kind； etc。
I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament。
I always voted at my party's call；
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all。
I thought so little； they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee！
CHORUS。… He thought so little； etc。
Now landsmen all； whoever you may be；
If you want to rise to the top of the tree；
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool；
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea；
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee！
CHORUS。Stick close； etc。
SIR JOSEPH。 You've a remarkably fine crew； Captain Corcoran。
CAPT。 It is a fine crew； Sir Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH。 （examining a very small midshipman）。 A British
sailor is a
splendid fellow； Captain Corcoran。
CAPT。 A splendid fellow indeed； Sir Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH。 I hope you treat your crew kindly； Captain
Corcoran。
CAPT。 Indeed I hope so； Sir Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH； Never forget that they are the bulwarks of
England's
greatness； Captain Corcoran。
CAPT。 So I have always considered them； Sir Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH。 No bullying； I trustno strong language of any
kind； eh？
CAPT。 Oh； never； Sir Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH。 What； never？
CAPT。 Hardly ever； Sir Joseph。 They are an excellent crew； and
do their
work thoroughly without it。
SIR JOSEPH。 Don't patronise them； sirpray； don't patronise
them。
CAPT。 Certainly not； Sir Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH。 That you are their captain is an accident of birth。
I
cannot permit these noble fellows to be patronised because an
accident of
birth has placed you above them and them below you。
CAPT。 I am the last person to insult a British sailor； Sir
Joseph。
SIR JOSEPH。 You are the last person who did； Captain Corcoran。
Desire
that splendid seaman to step forward。
（DICK comes forward）
SIR JOSEPH。 No； no； the other splendid seaman。
CAPT。 Ralph Rackstraw； three paces to the frontmarch！
SIR JOSEPH （sternly）。 If what？
CAPT。 I beg your pardonI don't think I understand you。
SIR JOSEPH。 If you please。
CAPT。 Oh； yes； of course。 If you please。 （RALPH steps forward。）
SIR JOSEPH。 You're a remarkably fine fellow。
RALPH。 Yes； your honour。
SIR JOSEPH。 And a first…rate seaman； I'll be bound。
RALPH。 There's not a smarter topman in the Navy； your honour；
though I
say it who shouldn't。
SIR JOSEPH。 Not at all。 Proper self…respect； nothing more。 Can
you
dance a hornpipe？
RALPH。 No； your honour。
SIR JOSEPH。 That's a pity： all sailors should dance hornpipes。
I will
teach you one this evening； after dinner。 Now tell medon't be
afraid
how does your captain treat you； eh？
RALPH。 A better captain don't walk the deck； your honour。
ALL。 Aye； Aye！
SIR JOSEPH。 Good。 I like to hear you speak well of your
commanding
officer； I daresay he don't deserve it； but still it does you
credit。 Can
you sing？
RALPH。 I can hum a little； your honour。
SIR JOSEPH。 Then hum this at your leisure。 （Giving him MS。
music。） It
is a song that I have composed for the use of the Royal Navy。 It
is
designed to encourage independence of thought and action in the
lower
branches of the service； and to teach the principle that a
British sailor
is any man's equal； excepting mine。 Now； Captain Corcoran； a word
with
you in your cabin； on a tender and sentimental subject。
CAPT。 Aye； aye；
Sir Joseph （Crossing） Boatswain； in commemoration of this
joyous
occasion； see that extra grog is served out to the ship's company
at
seven bells。
BOAT。 Beg pardon。 If what； your honour？
CAPT。 If what？ I don't think I understand you。
BOAT。 If you please； your honour。
CAPT。 What！
SIR JOSEPH。 The gentleman is quite right。 If you please。
CAPT。 （stamping his foot impatiently）。 If you please！
＇Exit。
SIR JOSEPH。 For I hold that on the seas
The expression； 〃if you please〃；
A particularly gentlemanly tone implants。
COUSIN HEBE。 And so do his sisters； and his cousins； and his
aunts！
ALL。 And so do his sisters； and his cousins； and his
aunts！
＇Exeunt SIR JOSEPH AND
RELATIVES。
BOAT。 Ah！ Sir Joseph's true gentleman； courteous and
considerate to the
very humblest。
RALPH。 True； Boatswain； but we are not the very humblest。 Sir
Joseph
has explained our true position to us。 As he says； a British
seaman is
any man's equal excepting his； and if Sir Joseph says that； is it
not our
duty to believe him？
ALL。 Well spoke！ well spoke！
DICK。 You're on a wrong tack； and so is he。 He means well； but
he don't
know。 When people have to obey other people's orders； equality's
out of
the question。
ALL （recoiling）。 Horrible！ horrible！
BOAT。 Dick Deadeye； if you go for to infuriate this here ship's
company
too far； I won't answer for being able to hold 'em in。 I'm
shocked！
that's what I amshocked！
RALPH。 Messmates； my mind's made up。 I'll speak to the
captain's
daughter； and tell her； like an honest man； of the honest love I
have for
her。
ALL。 Aye； aye！
RALPH。 Is not my love as good as another's？ Is not my heart as
true as
another's？ Have I not hands and eyes and ears and limbs like
another？
ALL。 Aye； Aye！
RALPH。 True； I lack birth
BOAT。 You've a berth on board this very ship。
RALPH。 Well saidI had forgotten that。 Messmateswhat do you
say？ Do
you approve my determination？
ALL。 We do。
DICK。 I don t。
BOAT。 What is to be done with this here hopeless chap？ Let us
sing him
the song that Sir Joseph has kindly composed for us。 Perhaps it
will
bring this here miserable creetur to a proper state of mind。
GLEE！RALPH； BOATSWAIN； BOATSWAIN'S MATE； and CHORUS
A British tar is a soaring soul；
As free as a mountain bird；
His energetic fist should be ready to resist
A dictatorial word。
His nose should pant and his lip should curl；
His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl；
His bosom should heave and his h