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Who thinks suburban 〃hops〃
More fun than 〃Monday Pops；〃
Who's fond of his dinner；
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops。
BOTH A commonplace young man；
A matter…of…fact young man
A steady and stolidy； jolly Bank…holiday；
Every…day young man！
BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man
A blue…and…white young man
Francesca di Rimini； miminy； piminy；
Je…ne…sais…quoi young man！
GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man
A Somerset House young man；
A very delectable； highly respectable
Three…penny…bus young man！
BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man
A haggard and lank young man；
A greenery…yallery； Grosvenor Gallery；
Foot…in…the…grave young man！
GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man；
A Howell & James young man；
A pushing young particle 〃What's the next
article？〃
Waterloo House young man！
BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
Conceive me； if you can； Conceive me； if you can；
A crotchety； cracked young man； A matter…of…fact young man；
An ultra…poetical； super…aesthetical； An alphabetical；
arithmetical；
Out…of…the way young man！ Every day young man！
Conceive me； if you can； Conceive me； if you can；
A crotchety； cracked young man； A matter…of…fact young man；
An ultra…poetical； super…aesthetical； An alphabetical；
arithmetical；
Out…of…the way young man！ Every day young man！
＇GROSVENOR dances off； L。U。E。 ＇
BUN。 It is all right！ I have committed my last act of ill…
nature； and henceforth I'm a changed character。
＇Dances about stage； humming refrain of last air。 Enter
PATIENCE； L。 She gazes in astonishment at him。＇
PATIENCE Reginald！ Dancing！ And what in the world is the
matter with you？
BUN。 Patience； I'm a changed man。 Hitherto I've been gloomy；
moody； fitful uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition
PATIENCE You have； indeed！ ＇sighing＇
BUN。 All that is changed。 I have reformed。 I have modelled
myself upon Mr。 Grosvenor。 Henceforth I am mildly cheerful。 My
conversation will blend amusement with instruction。 I shall
still be aesthetic； but my aestheticism will be of the most
pastoral kind。
PATIENCE Oh； Reginald！ Is all this true？
BUN。 Quite true。 Observe how amiable I am。 ＇Assuming a fixed
smile＇
PATIENCE But； Reginald； how long will this last？
BUN。 With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment； as long
as I do。
PATIENCE Oh； Reginald； I'm so happy！ Oh； dear； dear Reginald； I
cannot express the joy I feel at this change。 It will no longer
be a duty to love you； but a pleasure a rapture an ecstasy！
BUN。 My darling！ ＇embracing her＇
PATIENCE But oh； horror！ ＇recoiling from him＇
BUN。 What's the matter？
PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed …
… that you are henceforth a perfect being utterly free from
defect of any kind？
BUN。 It is quite certain。 I have sworn it。
PATIENCE Then I never can be yours！ ＇crossing to R。C。＇
BUN。 Why not？
PATIENCE Love； to be pure； must be absolutely unselfish； and
there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as
you have now become！
BUN。 But； stop a bit。 I don't want to change I'll relapse
I'll be as I was interrupted！
＇Enter GROSVENOR； L。U。E。； followed by all the young LADIES； who
are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS。 He has had his hair
cut； and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat。
They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast
to their former languor。＇
No。 19。 I'm a Waterloo House young man
（Solo and Chorus）
Grosvenor and Maidens
GROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man；
A Sewell & Cross young man；
A steady and stolidy； jolly Bank…holiday；
Everyday young man。
MAIDENS We're Swears & Wells young girls；
We're Madame Louise young girls；
We're prettily pattering； cheerily chattering；
Every…day young girls。
BUN。 ＇C。＇ Angela Ella Saphir what what does this
mean？
ANGELA ＇R。＇ It means that Archibald the All…Right cannot be all…
wrong； and if the All…Right chooses to discard aestheticism； it
proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded。
PATIENCE Oh； Archibald！ Archibald！ I'm shocked surprised
horrified！
GROS。 ＇L。C。＇ I can't help it。 I'm not a free agent。 I do it on
compulsion。
PATIENCE This is terrible。 Go！ I shall never set eyes on you
again。 But oh； joy！
GROS。＇L。C。＇ What is the matter？
PATIENCE ＇R。C。＇ Is it quite； quite certain that you will always
be a commonplace young man？
GROS。 Always I've sworn it。
PATIENCE Why； then； there's nothing to prevent my loving you
with all the fervour at my command！
GROS。 Why； that's true。
PATIENCE ＇crossing to him＇ My Archibald！
GROS。 My Patience！ ＇They embrace。＇
BUN。 Crushed again！
＇Enter JANE； L。＇
JANE ＇who is still aesthetic＇ Cheer up！ I am still here。 I
have never left you； and I never will！
BUN。 Thank you； Jane。 After all； there is no denying it； you're
a fine figure of a woman！
JANE My Reginald！
BUN。 My Jane！ ＇They embrace。＇
Fanfare
＇Enter； R。； COLONEL； MAJOR； and DUKE。 They are again in
uniform。＇
COLONEL Ladies； the Duke has at length determined to select a
bride！
＇General excitement＇
DUKE ＇R。＇ I have a great gift to bestow。 Approach； such of you
as are truly lovely。 ＇All the MAIDENS come forward； bashfully；
except JANE and PATIENCE。＇ In personal appearance you have all
that is necessary to make a woman happy。 In common fairness； I
think I ought to choose the only one among you who has the
misfortune to be distinctly plain。 ＇Girls retire disappointed。＇
Jane！
JANE ＇leaving BUNTHORNE's arms＇ Duke！ ＇JANE and DUKE embrace。
BUNTHORNE is utterly disgusted。＇
BUN。 Crushed again！
No。 20。 After much debate internal
（Finale of Act II）
Ensemble
DUKE ＇R。C。＇ After much debate internal；
I on Lady Jane decide；
Saphir now may take the Col'nel；
Angry be the Major's bride！
＇SAPHIR pairs off with COLONEL； R。； ANGELA with MAJOR； L。C。；
ELLA with SOLICITOR； L。＇
BUNTHORNE ＇C。＇ In that case unprecedented；
Single I must live and die
I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or li…ly！
＇BUNTHORNE； C。； takes a lily from buttonhole and gazes
affectionately at it。＇
SAPHIR； ELLA；
ANGELA； DUKE；
BUNTHORNE and
COLONEL He will have to be contented
With a tulip or li…ly！
ALL In that case unprecedented；
Single he/I must live and die
He will/I shall have to be contented
With a tulip or li…ly！
Greatly pleased with one another；
To get married we/they decide。
Each of us/them will wed the other；
Nobody be Bu