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OLGA
GRETCHEN
BERTHA
ELSA
MARTHA
Chamberlains； Nobles； Actors； Actresses； etc。
ACT I。Scene。 Public Square of Speisesaal。
ACT II。Scene。 Hall in the Grand Ducal Palace。
Date 1750。
First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 7； 1896。
ACT I。
SCENE。Market…place of Speisesaal； in the Grand Duchy of Pfennig
Halbpfennig。 A well； with decorated ironwork； up L。C。 GRETCHEN；
BERTHA； OLGA； MARTHA； and other members of ERNEST DUMMKOPF'S
theatrical company are discovered； seated at several small
tables； enjoying a repast in honour of the nuptials of LUDWIG；
his leading comedian； and LISA； his soubrette。
CHORUS。
Won't it be a pretty wedding？
Will not Lisa look delightful？
Smiles and tears in plenty shedding
Which in brides of course is rightful
One could say； if one were spiteful；
Contradiction little dreading；
Her bouquet is simply frightful
Still； 'twill be a pretty wedding！
Oh； it is a pretty wedding！
Such a pretty； pretty wedding！
ELSA。 If her dress is badly fitting；
Theirs the fault who made her trousseau。
BERTHA。 If her gloves are always splitting；
Cheap kid gloves； we know； will do so。
OLGA。 If upon her train she stumbled；
On one's train one's always treading。
GRET。 If her hair is rather tumbled；
Still； 'twill be a pretty wedding！
CHORUS。 Such a pretty； pretty wedding！
CHORUS。
Here they come； the couple plighted
On life's journey gaily start them。
Soon to be for aye united；
Till divorce or death shall part them。
（LUDWIG and LISA come forward。）
DUETLUDWIG and LISA。
LUD。 Pretty Lisa； fair and tasty；
Tell me now； and tell me truly；
Haven't you been rather hasty？
Haven't you been rash unduly？
Am I quite the dashing sposo
That your fancy could depict you？
Perhaps you think I'm only so…so？
（She expresses admiration。）
Well； I will not contradict you！
CHORUS。 No； he will not contradict you！
LISA。 Who am I to raise objection？
I'm a child； untaught and homely
When you tell me you're perfection；
Tender； truthful； true； and comely
That in quarrel no one's bolder；
Though dissensions always grieve you
Why； my love； you're so much older
That； of course； I must believe you！
CHORUS。 Yes； of course； she must believe you！
CHORUS。
If he ever acts unkindly；
Shut your eyes and love him blindly
Should he call you names uncomely；
Shut your mouth and love him dumbly
Should he rate you； rightlyleftly
Shut your ears and love him deafly。
Ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！ ha！
Thus and thus and thus alone
Ludwig's wife may hold her own！
（LUDWIG and LISA sit at table。）
Enter NOTARY TANNHAUSER。
NOT。 Hallo！ Surely I'm not late？ （All chatter
unintelligibly in reply。）
NOT。 But； dear me； you're all at breakfast！ Has the
wedding taken place？ （All chatter unintelligibly in reply。）
NOT。 My good girls； one at a time； I beg。 Let me
understand the situation。 As solicitor to the conspiracy to
dethrone the Grand Dukea conspiracy in which the members of
this company are deeply involvedI am invited to the marriage of
two of its members。 I present myself in due course； and I find；
not only that the ceremony has taken placewhich is not of the
least consequence but the wedding breakfast is half
eatenwhich is a consideration of the most serious importance。
（LUDWIG and LISA come down。）
LUD。 But the ceremony has not taken place。 We can't get a
parson！
NOT。 Can't get a parson！ Why； how's that？ They're three
a
penny！
LUD。 Oh； it's the old storythe Grand Duke！
ALL。 Ugh！
LUD。 It seems that the little imp has selected this； our
wedding day； for a convocation of all the clergy in the town to
settle the details of his approaching marriage with the
enormously wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt； and there won't be a
parson to be had for love or money until six o'clock this
evening！
LISA。 And as we produce our magnificent classical revival
of Troilus and Cressida to…night at seven； we have no alternative
but to eat our wedding breakfast before we've earned it。 So sit
down； and make the best of it。
GRET。 Oh； I should like to pull his Grand Ducal ears for
him； that I should！ He's the meanest； the cruellest； the most
spiteful little ape in Christendom！
OLGA。 Well； we shall soon be freed from his tyranny。
To…morrow the Despot is to be dethroned！
LUD。 Hush； rash girl！ You know not what you say。
OLGA。 Don't be absurd！ We're all in itwe're all tiled；
here。
LUD。 That has nothing to do with it。 Know ye not that in
alluding to our conspiracy without having first given and
received the secret sign； you are violating a fundamental
principle of our Association？
SONGLUDWIG。
By the mystic regulation
Of our dark Association；
Ere you open conversation
With another kindred soul；
You must eat a sausage…roll！ （Producing one。）
ALL。 You must eat a sausage…roll！
LUD。 If； in turn； he eats another；
That's a sign that he's a brother
Each may fully trust the other。
It is quaint and it is droll；
But it's bilious on the whole。
ALL。 Very bilious on the whole。
LUD。 It's a greasy kind of pasty；
Which； perhaps； a judgement hasty
Might consider rather tasty：
Once （to speak without disguise）
It found favour in our eyes。
ALL。 It found favour in our eyes。
LUD。 But when you've been six months feeding
（As we have） on this exceeding
Bilious food； it's no ill…breeding
If at these repulsive pies
Our offended gorges rise！
ALL。 Our offended gorges rise！
MARTHA。 Oh； bother the secret sign！ I've eaten it until
I'm quite uncomfortable！ I've given it six times already
to…dayand （whimpering） I can't eat any breakfast！
BERTHA。 And it's so unwholesome。 Why； we should all be as
yellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make…up！
LUD。 All this is rank treason to the cause。 I suffer as
much as any of you。 I loathe the repulsive thingI can't
contemplate it without a shudderbut I'm a conscientious
conspirator； and if you won't give the sign I will。 （Eats
sausage…roll with an effort。）
LISA。 Poor martyr！ He's always at it； and it's a wonder
where he puts it！
NOT。 Well now； about Troilus and Cressida。 What do you
play？
LUD。 （struggling with his feelings）。 If you'll be so
obliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warm
oil at the bottom of my throat； I'll tell you all about it。
（LISA gives him some brandy。） Thank you； my love； it's gone。
Well； the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampled
magnificence。 It is confidently predicted that my appearance as
King Agamemnon； in a Louis Quatorze wig； will mark an epoch in
the theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig。 I endeavoured