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As they tell him
He is very much mistaken。
Though they speak to him politely；
Please observe they're sneering slightly；
Just to show he's acting vainly。
This is Virtue saying plainly
〃Go away； young bachelor；
We are not what you take us for！〃
When addressed impertinently；
English ladies answer gently；
〃Go away； young bachelor；
We are not what you take us for！〃
As he gazes；
Hat he raises；
Enters into conversation。
Makes excuses
This produces
Interesting agitation。
He； with daring；
Undespairing；
Give his cardhis rank discloses
Little heeding
This proceeding；
They turn up their little noses。
Pray observe this lesson vital
When a man of rank and title
His position first discloses；
Always cock your little noses。
When at home； let all the class
Try this in the looking glass。
English girls of well bred notions；
Shun all unrehearsed emotions。
English girls of highest class
Practice them before the glass。
His intentions
Then he mentions。
Something definite to go on
Makes recitals
Of his titles；
Hints at settlements； and so on。
Smiling sweetly；
They； discreetly；
Ask for further evidences：
Thus invited；
He； delighted；
Gives the usual references：
This is business。 Each is fluttered
When the offer's fairly uttered。
〃Which of them has his affection？〃
He declines to make selection。
Do they quarrel for his dross？
Not a bit of itthey toss！
Please observe this cogent moral
English ladies never quarrel。
When a doubt they come across；
English ladies always toss。
RECITATIVE Lady Sophy
The lecture's ended。 In ten minute's space
'Twill be repeated in the market…place！
（Exit Lady Sophy； followed by Nekaya and
Kalyba。）
Chorus： Quaff the nectarcull the roses
Bashful girls will soon be plenty！
Maid who thus at fifteen poses
Ought to be divine at twenty！
（Exeunt all but
KING。）
King： I requested Scaphio and Phantis to be so good as to favor
me
with an audience this morning。 （Enter SCAPHIO and
PHANTIS。）
Oh； here they are！
Scaphio： Your Majesty wished to speak with us； I believe。
Youyou
needn't keep your crown on； on our account； you know。
King： I beg your pardon。 （Removes it。） I always forget that！
Odd； the notion of a King not being allowed to wear one
of
his own crowns in the presence of two of his own
subjects。
Phantis： Yesbizarre； is it not？
King： Most quaint。 But then it's a quaint world。
Phantis： Teems with quiet fun。 I often think what a lucky thing
it
is that you are blessed with such a keen sense of humor！
King： Do you know； I find it invaluable。 Do what I will； I
cannot
help looking at the humorous side of thingsfor；
properly
considered； everything has its humorous sideeven the
Palace Peeper （producing it）。 See here〃Another Royal
Scandal；〃 by Junius Junior。 〃How long is this to last？〃
by
Senex Senior。 〃Ribald Royalty；〃 by Mercury Major。
〃Where
is the Public Exploder？〃 by Mephistopheles Minor。 When
I
reflect that all these outrageous attacks on my morality
are
written by me； at your commandwell； it's one of the
funni…
est things that have come within the scope of my
experience。
Scaphio： Besides； apart from that； they have a quiet humor of
their
own which is simply irresistible。
King： （gratified） Not bad； I think。 Biting； trenchant
sarcasmthe rapier； not the bludgeonthat's my line。
But
then it's so easyI'm such a good subjecta bad King
but a
good Subjectha！ ha！a capital heading for next week's
leading article！ （makes a note） And then the stinging
little paragraphs about our Royal goings…on with our
Royal
Second Housemaiddelicately sub…acid； are they not？
Scaphio： My dear King； in that kind of thing no one can hold a
candle
to you。
Phantis： But the crowning joke is the Comic Opera you've written
for
us〃King Tuppence； or A Good Deal Less than Half a
Sover…
eign〃in which the celebrated English tenor； Mr。
Wilkinson；
burlesques your personal appearance and gives grotesque
imitations of your Royal peculiarities。 It's immense！
King： YeesThat's what I wanted to speak to you about。 Now
I've not the least doubt but that even that has its
humorous
side tooif one could only see it。 As a rule I'm pretty
quick at detecting latent humorbut I confess I do not
quite see where it comes in； in this particular instance。
It's so horribly personal！
Scaphio： Personal？ Yes； of course it's personalbut consider the
antithetical humor of the situation。
King： Yes。 II don't think I've quite grasped that。
Scaphio： No？ You surprise me。 Why； consider。 During the day
thou…
sands tremble at your frown； during the night （from 8 to
11）
thousands roar at it。 During the day your most arbitrary
pronouncements are received by your subjects with abject
submissionduring the night； they shout with joy at your
most terrible decrees。 It's not every monarch who enjoys
the privilege of undoing by night all the despotic
absurdi…
ties he's committed during the day。
King： Of course！ Now I see it！ Thank you very much。 I was
sure
it had its humorous side； and it was very dull of me not
to
have seen it before。 But； as I said just now； it's a
quaint
world。
Phantis： Teems with quiet fun。
King： Yes。 Properly considered； what a farce life is； to be
sure！
SONG King。
First you're bornand I'll be bound you
Find a dozen strangers round you。
〃Hallo；〃 cries the new…born baby；
〃Where's my parents？ which may they be？〃
Awkward silenceno reply
Puzzled baby wonders why！
Father rises； bows politely
Mother smiles （but not too brightly）
Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing
Nurse is busy mixing something。
Every symptom tends to show
You're decidedly de trop
All： Ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！
Time's teetotum；
If you spin it；
Gives it quotum