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STUP。 One lump of sugar for the claret…cup。
PREP。 He has brought one lump of sugar for the claret…cup？ Ha。
Ha。 Ha。 ＇laughing melodramatically＇
STUP。 Well； Preposteros； what have you brought？
PREP。 I have brought two lumps of the very best salt for the
lobster salad。
THES。 Ohis that all？
PREP。 All。 Ha。 Ha。 He asks if it is all。 ｛Stup。 consoles him＇
THES。 But； I saythis is capital so far as it goes。 Nothing
could be better； but it doesn't go far enough。 The claret； for
instance。 I don't insist on claretor a lobsterI don't insist
on lobster； but a lobster salad without a lobster； why it isn't
lobster salad。 Here； Tipseion。
TIP。 ＇a very drunken； bloated fellow； dressed； however； with
scrupulous accuracy and wearing a large medal around his neck＇ My
master。 ＇Falls on his knees to Thes。 and kisses his robe。＇
THES。 Get updon't be a fool。 Where's the claret？ We arranged
last week that you were to see to that。
TIPS。 True； dear master。 But then I was a drunkard。
THES。 You were。
TIPS。 You engaged me to play convivial parts on the strength of
my personal appearance。
THES。 I did。
TIPS。 Then you found that my habits interfered with my duties as
low comedian。
THES。 True。
TIPS。 You said yesterday that unless I took the pledge you would
dismiss me from your company。
THES。 Quite so。
TIPS。 Good。 I have taken it。 It is all I have taken since
yesterday。 My preserver。 ＇embraces him＇
THES。 Yes； but where's the wine？
TIPS。 I left it behind that I might not be tempted to violate my
pledge。
PREP。 Minion。 ＇Attempts to get at him； is restrained by Stupidas＇
THES。 Now； Preposteros； what is the matter with you？
PREP。 It is enough that I am down…trodden in my profession。 I
will not submit to imposition out of it。 It is enough that as
your heavy villain I get the worst of it every night in a combat
of six。 I will not submit to insult in the day time。 I have come
out。 Ha。 Ha。 to enjoy myself。
THES。 But look here； you knowvirtue only triumphs at night from
seven to tenvice gets the best of it during the other twenty
one hours。 Won't that satisfy you？ ＇Stupidas endeavours to
pacify him。＇
PREP。 ＇Irritated to Stupidas＇ Ye are odious to my sight。 Get out
of it。
STUP。 ＇In great terror＇ What have I done？
THES。 Now what is it。 Preposteros； what is it？
PREP。 I a hate him and would have his life。
THES。 ＇to Stup。＇ That's ithe hates you and would have your
life。 Now go and be merry。
STUP。 Yes； but why does he hate me？
THES。 Ohexactly。 ＇to Prep。＇ Why do you hate him？
PREP。 Because he is a minion。
THES。 He hates you because you are a minion。 It explains itself。
Now go and enjoy yourselves。 Ha。 Ha。 It is well for those who can
laughlet them do sothere is no extra charge。 The light…
hearted cup and the convivial jest for thembut for mewhat is
there for me？
SILLI。 There is some claret…cup and lobster salad ＇handing some＇
THES。 ＇taking it＇ Thank you。 ＇Resuming＇ What is there for me but
anxietyceaseless gnawing anxiety that tears at my very vitals
and rends my peace of mind asunder？ There is nothing whatever
for me but anxiety of the nature I have just described。 The
charge of these thoughtless revellers is my unhappy lot。 It is
not a small charge； and it is rightly termed a lot because there
are many。 Oh why did the gods make me a manager？
SILL。 ＇as guessing a riddle＇ Why did the gods make him a manager？
SPAR。 Why did the gods make him a manager。
DAPH。 Why did the gods make him a manager？
PRETT。 Why did the gods make him a manager？
THES。 Nonowhat are you talking about？ What do you mean？
DAPH。 I've got itno don't tell us。
ALL。 Nonobecausebecause
THES。 ＇annoyed＇ It isn't a conundrum。 It's misanthropical
question。
DAPH。 ＇Who is sitting with Spar。 to the annoyance of Nice。 who is
crying alone＇ I'm sure I don't know。 We do not want you。 Don't
distress yourself on our accountwe are getting on very
comfortablyaren't we Sparkeion。
SPAR。 We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the
claret。 What are lobster and claret compared with the society of
those we love？ ＇embracing Daphne。＇
DAPH。 Why； Nicemis； love； you are eating nothing。 Aren't you
happy dear？
NICE。 ＇spitefully＇ You are quite welcome to my share of
everything。 I intend to console myself with the society of my
manager。 ＇takes Thespis' arm affectionately＇。
THES。 Here I saythis won't do； you knowI can't allow itat
least before my companybesides； you are half…married to
Sparkeion。 Sparkeion； here's your half…wife impairing my
influence before my company。 Don't you know the story of the
gentleman who undermined his influence by associating with his
inferiors？
ALL。 Yes； yeswe know it。
PREP。 ＇formally＇ I do not know it。 It's ever thus。 Doomed to
disappointment from my earliest years。 ＇Stup。 endeavours to
console him＇
THES。 Therethat's enough。 Preposterosyou shall hear it。
I once knew a chap who discharged a function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction。
He was conspicuous exceeding；
For his affable ways； and his easy breeding。
Although a chairman of directions；
He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors。
He tipped the guards with brand new fivers；
And sang little songs to the engine drivers。
'Twas told to me with great compunction；
By one who had discharged with unction
A chairman of directors function
On the North South East West Diddlesex Junction。
Fol diddle； lol diddle； lol lol lay。
Each Christmas day he gave each stoker
A silver shovel and a golden poker。
He'd button holw flowers for the ticket sorters
And rich Bath…buns for the outside porters。
He'd moun the clerks on his first…class hunters；
And he build little villas for the road…side shunters；
And if any were fond of pigeon shooting；
He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting。
Twas told to me。。。。etc。
In course of time there spread a rumour
That he did all this from a sense of humour。
So instead of signalling and stoking；
They gave themselves up to a course of joking。
Whenever they knew that he was riding；
They shunted his train on a lonely siding；
Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel；
On the plea that the boiler was a…coming through the funnel。
Twas told to me。。。etc。
It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling；
His train through several counties whirling；
Would set him down in a fit of larking；
At four a。m。 in the wilds of Barking。
This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it；
But the general public did not like it。
The receipts fell； after a few repeatings；
And he got it hot at the annual meetings。
Twas told to me。。。etc。
He followed out his whim with vigour；
The shares went down to a nominal figure。
These are the sad results proceeding
From his affable ways and his easy breeding。
The line； with its rais and guards and peelers；
Was sold for a song to marine store dealers
The shareholders are all in the work'us；
And he sells pipe…lights in the Regent Circus。
Twas told to me。。。etc。
It's very hard。 As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition。
As a manager； I am compelled to hold myself aloof； that my
influence may not be deteriorated。 As a man I am inclined to
fraternize with the pauperas a manager I am compelled to walk
around like this： Don't know yah。 Don't know yah。 Don't know yah。
＇Strides haughtily about the stage。 Jupiter； Mars； and Apollo； in
full Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns。
Thespians scream。＇
JUP； MARS； AP。 Presumptuous mortal。
THES。 Don't know ya。 Don't know yah。
JUP； MARS； AP。 ＇seated on broken pillars＇ Presumptuous mortal。
THES。 I do not know you。 I do not know you。
JUP； MARS； AP。 Presumptuous mortal。
THES。 Remove this person。
＇Stup and Prep seize Ap and Mars＇