按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
〃You really compare me to a baby girl？〃
This found me singularly weak。 〃Don't you； then； LOVE
our sweet Flora？〃
〃If I didn'tand you； too； if I didn't！〃 he repeated as if
retreating for a jump； yet leaving his thought so unfinished that；
after we had come into the gate； another stop； which he imposed
on me by the pressure of his arm； had become inevitable。
Mrs。 Grose and Flora had passed into the church； the other
worshippers had followed； and we were； for the minute；
alone among the old； thick graves。 We had paused； on the path
from the gate； by a low； oblong； tablelike tomb。
〃Yes； if you didn't？〃
He looked； while I waited； at the graves。 〃Well； you know what！〃
But he didn't move； and he presently produced something that made
me drop straight down on the stone slab； as if suddenly to rest。
〃Does my uncle think what YOU think？〃
I markedly rested。 〃How do you know what I think？〃
〃Ah； well； of course I don't； for it strikes me you never tell me。
But I mean does HE know？〃
〃Know what； Miles？〃
〃Why； the way I'm going on。〃
I perceived quickly enough that I could make； to this inquiry；
no answer that would not involve something of a sacrifice
of my employer。 Yet it appeared to me that we were all；
at Bly； sufficiently sacrificed to make that venial。
〃I don't think your uncle much cares。〃
Miles； on this； stood looking at me。 〃Then don't you think he can
be made to？〃
〃In what way？〃
〃Why； by his coming down。〃
〃But who'll get him to come down？〃
〃_I_ will！〃 the boy said with extraordinary brightness and emphasis。
He gave me another look charged with that expression and then marched
off alone into church。
XV
The business was practically settled from the moment I
never followed him。 It was a pitiful surrender to agitation；
but my being aware of this had somehow no power to restore me。
I only sat there on my tomb and read into what my little
friend had said to me the fullness of its meaning；
by the time I had grasped the whole of which I had also embraced；
for absence； the pretext that I was ashamed to offer my pupils
and the rest of the congregation such an example of delay。
What I said to myself above all was that Miles had got something
out of me and that the proof of it； for him； would be just this
awkward collapse。 He had got out of me that there was something
I was much afraid of and that he should probably be able to make
use of my fear to gain； for his own purpose； more freedom。
My fear was of having to deal with the intolerable question
of the grounds of his dismissal from school； for that was
really but the question of the horrors gathered behind。
That his uncle should arrive to treat with me of these things
was a solution that； strictly speaking； I ought now to have
desired to bring on； but I could so little face the ugliness
and the pain of it that I simply procrastinated and lived
from hand to mouth。 The boy； to my deep discomposure；
was immensely in the right； was in a position to say to me：
〃Either you clear up with my guardian the mystery of this
interruption of my studies； or you cease to expect me
to lead with you a life that's so unnatural for a boy。〃
What was so unnatural for the particular boy I was concerned
with was this sudden revelation of a consciousness and a plan。
That was what really overcame me； what prevented my going in。
I walked round the church； hesitating； hovering； I reflected
that I had already； with him； hurt myself beyond repair。
Therefore I could patch up nothing； and it was too
extreme an effort to squeeze beside him into the pew：
he would be so much more sure than ever to pass his arm
into mine and make me sit there for an hour in close；
silent contact with his commentary on our talk。 For the first
minute since his arrival I wanted to get away from him。
As I paused beneath the high east window and listened to the sounds
of worship； I was taken with an impulse that might master me；
I felt； completely should I give it the least encouragement。
I might easily put an end to my predicament by getting
away altogether。 Here was my chance； there was no one to stop me；
I could give the whole thing upturn my back and retreat。
It was only a question of hurrying again； for a few preparations；
to the house which the attendance at church of so many of
the servants would practically have left unoccupied。 No one；
in short； could blame me if I should just drive desperately off。
What was it to get away if I got away only till dinner？
That would be in a couple of hours； at the end of which
I had the acute previsionmy little pupils would play at
innocent wonder about my nonappearance in their train。
〃What DID you do； you naughty； bad thing？ Why in the world；
to worry us soand take our thoughts off； too； don't you know？
did you desert us at the very door？〃 I couldn't meet such
questions nor； as they asked them； their false little lovely eyes；
yet it was all so exactly what I should have to meet that；
as the prospect grew sharp to me； I at last let myself go。
I got； so far as the immediate moment was concerned； away； I came straight
out of the churchyard and； thinking hard； retraced my steps through the park。
It seemed to me that by the time I reached the house I had made up my mind I
would fly。 The Sunday stillness both of the approaches and of the interior；
in which I met no one； fairly excited me with a sense of opportunity。
Were I to get off quickly； this way； I should get off without a scene；
without a word。 My quickness would have to be remarkable； however；
and the question of a conveyance was the great one to settle。
Tormented； in the hall； with difficulties and obstacles； I remember
sinking down at the foot of the staircasesuddenly collapsing there
on the lowest step and then； with a revulsion； recalling that it
was exactly where more than a month before； in the darkness of night
and just so bowed with evil things； I had seen the specter of the most
horrible of women。 At this I was able to straighten myself； I went
the rest of the way up； I made； in my bewilderment； for the schoolroom；
where there were objects belonging to me that I should have to take。
But I opened the door to find again； in a flash； my eyes unsealed。
In the presence of what I saw I reeled straight back upon my resistance。
Seated at my own table in clear noonday light I saw a person whom；
without my previous experience； I should have taken at
the first blush for some housemaid who might have stayed
at home to look after the place and who； availing herself
of rare relief from observation and of the schoolroom
table and my pens； ink； and paper； had applied herself
to the considerable effort of a letter to her sweetheart。
There was an effort in the way that； while her arms rested on
the table； her hands with evident weariness supported her head；
but at the moment I took this in I had already become aware that；
in spite of my entrance； her attitude strangely persisted。
Then it waswith the very act of its announcing itself
that her identity flared up in a change of posture。
She rose； not as if she had heard me； but with an indescribable
grand melancholy of indifference and detachment； and； within a
dozen feet of me； stood there as my vile predecessor。
Dishonored and tragic； she was all before me； but even as I
fixed and； for memory； secured it； the awful image passed away。
Dark as midnight in her black dress； her haggard beauty and her
unutterable woe； she had looked at me long enough to appear to say
that her right to sit at my table was as good as mine to sit at hers。
While these instants lasted； indeed； I had the extraordinary
chill of feeling that it was I who was the intruder。
It was as a wild protest against it that； actually addressing
her〃You terrible； miserable woman！〃I heard myself break
into a sound that； by the open