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honor of a gentleman！〃 said I； turning round to the boys。 They
hesitated； and if the trick had turned in my favor； fifty of them
would have seized hold of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly。
〃Stop！〃 says Bunting （hang him！） 〃Let's see the shoes。 If they
fit him； why then the cobbler's right。〃 They did fit me； and not
only that； but the name of STUBBS was written in them at full
length。
〃Vat！〃 said Stiffelkind。 〃Is he not a lort？ So help me Himmel； I
never did vonce tink of looking at de shoes； which have been lying
ever since in dis piece of brown paper。〃 And then； gathering anger
as he went on； he thundered out so much of his abuse of me； in his
German…English； that the boys roared with laughter。 Swishtail came
in in the midst of the disturbance； and asked what the noise meant。
〃It's only Lord Cornwallis； sir；〃 said the boys； 〃battling with his
shoemaker about the price of a pair of top…boots。〃
〃Oh； sir；〃 said I； 〃it was only in fun that I called myself Lord
Cornwallis。〃
〃In fun！Where are the boots？ And you； sir； give me your bill。〃
My beautiful boots were brought； and Stiffelkind produced his bill。
〃Lord Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind； for a pair of bootsfour
guineas。〃
〃You have been fool enough； sir；〃 says the Doctor； looking very
stern； 〃to let this boy impose on you as a lord； and knave enough
to charge him double the value of the article you sold him。 Take
back the boots； sir！ I won't pay a penny of your bill； nor can you
get a penny。 As for you； sir； you miserable swindler and cheat； I
shall not flog you as I did before； but I shall send you home： you
are not fit to be the companion of honest boys。〃
〃SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes？〃 piped out a very small voice。
The Doctor grinned significantly； and left the school…room； and the
boys knew by this they might have their will。 They seized me and
carried me to the playground pump： they pumped upon me until I was
half dead； and the monster； Stiffelkind； stood looking on for the
half…hour the operation lasted。
I suppose the Doctor； at last； thought I had had pumping enough；
for he rang the school…bell； and the boys were obliged to leave me。
As I got out of the trough； Stiffelkind was alone with me。 〃Vell；
my lort；〃 says he； 〃you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots； but not
all。 By Jubider； YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM。〃 And I
didn't。
APRIL。FOOLING。
After this； as you may fancy； I left this disgusting establishment；
and lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home。 My
education was finished； at least mamma and I agreed that it was；
and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood （which I take to be about the
sixteenth year of the life of a young man； and may be likened to
the month of April when spring begins to bloom）from fourteen
until seventeen； I say； I remained at home； doing nothingfor
which I have ever since had a great tastethe idol of my mamma；
who took part in all my quarrels with father； and used regularly to
rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket…money。 Poor
soul！ many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way；
and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure。
Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant； or put
to some profession； but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a
gentleman and not a tradesman； and the army was the only place for
me。 Everybody was a soldier in those times； for the French war had
just begun； and the whole country was swarming with militia
regiments。 〃We'll get him a commission in a marching regiment；〃
said my father。 〃As we have no money to purchase him up； he'll
FIGHT his way； I make no doubt。〃 And papa looked at me with a kind
of air of contempt； as much as to say he doubted whether I should
be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself。
I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so
coolly of my going out to fight！ 〃What！ send him abroad； across
the horrid； horrid seato be wrecked and perhaps drowned； and only
to land for the purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen；to be
wounded； and perhaps kickkickkilled！ Oh； Thomas； Thomas！ would
you murder me and your boy？〃 There was a regular scene。 However；
it endedas it always didin mother's getting the better； and it
was settled that I should go into the militia。 And why not？ The
uniform is just as handsome； and the danger not half so great。 I
don't think in the course of my whole military experience I ever
fought anything； except an old woman； who had the impudence to
hallo out； 〃Heads up； lobster！〃Well； I joined the North Bungays；
and was fairly launched into the world。
I was not a handsome man； I know； but there was SOMETHING about me
that's very evidentfor the girls always laughed when they talked
to me； and the men； though they affected to call me a poor little
creature； squint…eyes； knock…knees； redhead； and so on； were
evidently annoyed by my success； for they hated me so confoundedly。
Even at the present time they go on； though I have given up
gallivanting； as I call it。 But in the April of my existence；
that is； in anno Domini 1791； or soit was a different case； and
having nothing else to do； and being bent upon bettering my
condition； I did some very pretty things in that way。 But I was
not hot…headed and imprudent； like most young fellows。 Don't fancy
I looked for beauty！ Pish！I wasn't such a fool。 Nor for temper；
I don't care about a bad temper： I could break any woman's heart in
two years。 What I wanted was to get on in the world。 Of course I
didn't PREFER an ugly woman； or a shrew； and when the choice
offered； would certainly put up with a handsome； good…humored girl；
with plenty of money； as any honest man would。
Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts： Miss Magdalen
Crutty； with twelve thousand pounds （and； to do her justice； as
plain a girl as ever I saw）； and Miss Mary Waters； a fine； tall；
plump； smiling； peach…cheeked； golden…haired； white…skinned lass；
with only ten。 Mary Waters lived with her uncle； the Doctor； who
had helped me into the world； and who was trusted with this little
orphan charge very soon after。 My mother； as you have heard； was
so fond of Bates； and Bates so fond of little Mary； that both； at
first； were almost always in our house； and I used to call her my
little wife as soon as I could speak； and before she could walk
almost。 It was beautiful to see us； the neighbors said。
Well； when her brother； the lieutenant of an India ship； came to be
captain； and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds； when she was
about ten years old； and promised her five thousand more； there was
a great talking； and bobbing； and smiling between the Doctor and my
parents； and Mary and I were left together more than ever； and she
was told to call me her little husband。 And she did； and it was
considered a settled thing from that day。 She was really amazingly
fond of me。
Can any one call me mercenary after that？ Though Miss Crutty had
twelve thousand； and Mary only ten （five in hand； and five in the
bush）； I stuck faithfully to Mary。 As a matter of course； Miss
Crutty hated Miss Waters。 The fact was； Mary had all the country
dangling after her； and not a soul would come to Magdalen； for all
her 12；000L。 I used to be attentive to her though （as it's always
useful to be）； and Mary would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at
my flirting with Magdalen。 This I thought proper very quickly to
check。 〃Mary；〃 said I； 〃you know that my love for you is
disinterested；for I am faithful to you； though Miss Crutty is
richer than you。 Don't fly into a rage； then； because I pay her
attentions； when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged
to you。〃
The fact is； to tell a little bit of a secret； there is nothing
like the having two strings to your bow。 〃Who knows？〃 thought I。
〃Mary may die； and then where