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support out of my two thousand pounds。 I had better have stopped
at home with my mamma and sisters； whom I really did love； and who
produced me eighty pounds a year。
I had a furious interview with Mrs。 Stubbs； and when I charged her；
the base wretch！ with cheating me； like a brazen serpent as she
was； she flung back the cheat in my teeth； and swore I had swindled
her。 Why did I marry her； when she might have had twenty others？
She only took me； she said； because I had twenty thousand pounds。
I HAD said I possessed that sum； but in love； you know； and war
all's fair。
We parted quite as angrily as we met； and I cordially vowed that
when I had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her； I
would take my 2；000L。 and depart to some desert island； or； at the
very least； to America； and never see her more； or any of her
Israelitish brood。 There was no use in remaining in the spunging…
house （for I knew that there were such things as detainers； and
that where Mrs。 Stubbs owed a hundred pounds； she might owe a
thousand） so I sent for Mr。 Nabb； and tendering him a cheque for
150L。 and his costs； requested to be let out forthwith。 〃Here；
fellow；〃 said I； 〃is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum。〃
〃It may be a sheck on Shild's；〃 says Mr。 Nabb； 〃but I should be a
baby to let you out on such a paper as dat。〃
〃Well；〃 said I； 〃Child's is but a step from this： you may go and
get the cash；just give me an acknowledgment。〃
Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality； and set
off for the bankers'； whilst I prepared myself for departure from
this abominable prison。
He smiled as he came in。 〃Well；〃 said I； 〃you have touched your
money； and now； I must tell you； that you are the most infernal
rogue and extortioner I ever met with。〃
〃Oh； no； Mishter Shtubbsh；〃 says he； grinning still。 〃Dere is som
greater roag dan me；mosh greater。〃
〃Fellow；〃 said I； 〃don't stand grinning before a gentleman； but
give me my hat and cloak； and let me leave your filthy den。〃
〃Shtop； Shtubbsh；〃 says he； not even Mistering me this time。 〃Here
ish a letter； vich you had better read。〃
I opened the letter； something fell to the ground：it was my
cheque。
The letter ran thus： 〃Messrs。 Child and Co。 present their
compliments to Captain Stubbs； and regret that they have been
obliged to refuse payment of the enclosed； having been served this
day with an attachment by Messrs。 Solomonson and Co。； which compels
them to retain Captain Stubbs' balance of 2；010L。 11s。 6d。 until
the decision of the suit of Solomonson v。 Stubbs。
〃FLEET STREET。〃
〃You see；〃 says Mr。 Nabb； as I read this dreadful letter〃you see；
Shtubbsh； dere vas two debts；a little von and a big von。 So dey
arrested you for de little von； and attashed your money for de big
von。〃
Don't laugh at me for telling this story。 If you knew what tears
are blotting over the paper as I write itif you knew that for
weeks after I was more like a madman than a sane man；a madman in
the Fleet Prison； where I went instead of to the desert island！
What had I done to deserve it？ Hadn't I always kept an eye to the
main chance？ Hadn't I lived economically； and not like other young
men？ Had I ever been known to squander or give away a single
penny？ No！ I can lay my hand on my heart； and； thank heaven； say；
No！ Why； why was I punished so？
Let me conclude this miserable history。 Seven monthsmy wife saw
me once or twice； and then dropped me altogetherI remained in
that fatal place。 I wrote to my dear mamma； begging her to sell
her furniture； but got no answer。 All my old friends turned their
backs upon me。 My action went against meI had not a penny to
defend it。 Solomonson proved my wife's debt； and seized my two
thousand pounds。 As for the detainer against me； I was obliged to
go through the court for the relief of insolvent debtors。 I passed
through it； and came out a beggar。 But fancy the malice of that
wicked Stiffelkind： he appeared in court as my creditor for 3L。；
with sixteen years' interest at five per cent； for a PAIR OF TOP…
BOOTS。 The old thief produced them in court； and told the whole
storyLord Cornwallis； the detection； the pumping and all。
Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it。 〃So Doctor
Swishtail would not pay you for the boots； eh； Mr。 Stiffelkind？〃
〃No： he said； ven I asked him for payment； dey was ordered by a
yong boy； and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster。〃
〃What！ then you came on a BOOTLESS errand； ay； sir？〃 （A laugh。）
〃Bootless！ no sare； I brought de boots back vid me。 How de devil
else could I show dem to you？〃 （Another laugh。）
〃You've never SOLED 'em since； Mr。 Tickleshins？〃
〃I never would sell dem； I svore I never vood； on porpus to be
revenged on dat Stobbs。〃
〃What！ your wound has never been HEALED； eh？〃
〃Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands； and your soling and
healing？ I tell you I have done vat I svore to do： I have exposed
him at school； I have broak off a marriage for him； ven he vould
have had tventy tousand pound； and now I have showed him up in a
court of justice。 Dat is vat I 'ave done； and dat's enough。〃 And
then the old wretch went down； whilst everybody was giggling and
staring at poor meas if I was not miserable enough already。
〃This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life；
Mr。 Stubbs；〃 said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly； and then he
began to inquire about the rest of my misfortunes。
In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them： how Mr。
Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow； Mrs。
Manasseh； who had fifty thousand pounds； and an estate in the West
Indies。 How I was married； and arrested on coming to town； and
cast in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by
this very Solomonson for my wife's debts。
〃Stop！〃 says a lawyer in the court。 〃Is this woman a showy black…
haired woman with one eye？ very often drunk； with three children？
Solomonson； short； with red hair？〃
〃Exactly so；〃 said I； with tears in my eyes。
〃That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years。 One
in Ireland； and one at Bath。 A Solomonson is； I believe； her
husband； and they both are off for America ten days ago。〃
〃But why did you not keep your 2；000L。？〃 said the lawyer。
〃Sir； they attached it。〃
〃Oh； well； we may pass you。 You have been unlucky； Mr。 Stubbs； but
it seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair。〃
〃No；〃 said Mr。 Dubobwig。 〃Mr。 Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL
ATTACHMENT。〃
NOVEMBER。A GENERAL POST DELIVERY。
I was a free man when I went out of the Court； but I was a beggar
I； Captain Stubbs； of the bold North Bungays； did not know where I
could get a bed； or a dinner。
As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street； I felt a hand on my
shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well。
〃Vell； Mr。 Stobbs； have I not kept my promise？ I told you dem
boots would be your ruin。〃
I was much too miserable to reply； and only cast my eyes towards
the roofs of the houses； which I could not see for the tears。
〃Vat！ you begin to gry and blobber like a shild？ you vood marry；
vood you？ and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monnyha； ha
but you vere de pigeon； and she was de grow。 She has plocked you；
too； pretty velleh？ ha！ ha！〃
〃Oh； Mr。 Stiffelkind；〃 said I； 〃don't laugh at my misery： she has
not left me a single shilling under heaven。 And I shall starve： I
do believe I shall starve。〃 And I began to cry fit to break my
heart。
〃Starf！ stoff and nonsense！ You vill never die of starfingyou
vill die of HANGING； I tinkho！ ho！and it is moch easier vay
too。〃 I didn't say a word； but cried on； till everybody in the
street turned round and stared。
〃Come； come；〃 said Stiffelkind； 〃do not gry； Gaptain Stobbsit is
not goot for a Gaptain to gryh