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rejection by every convent in the world。 Even though he is powerful； I
will save you from him； butonly when you have demonstrated to me
that you cannot and ought not to return to him。 Oh！ do not fear that
you would escape his power only to fall into mine；' I added； noticing
a glance of horrible suspicion； full of exaggerated dignity。 'You
shall have peace； solitude； and independence； in short； you shall be
as free and as little annoyed as if you were an ugly； cross old maid。
I myself would never be able to see you without your consent。'
〃 'And how？ By what means？'
〃 'That is my secret。 I am not deceiving you； of that you may be sure。
Prove to me that this is the only life you can lead； that it is
preferable to that of the Comtesse Octave； rich； admired； in one of
the finest houses in Paris； beloved by her husband； a happy
mother 。 。 。 and I will decide in your favor。'
〃 'But；' said she； 'will there never be a man who understands me？'
〃 'No。 And that is why I appeal to religion to decide between us。 The
Cure of the White Friars is a saint； seventy…five years of age。 My
uncle is not a Grand Inquisitor； he is Saint John； but for you he will
be Fenelonthe Fenelon who said to the Duc de Bourgogne： 'Eat a calf
on a Friday by all means； monseigneur。 But be a Christian。'
〃 'Nay； nay； monsieur； the convent is my last hope and my only refuge。
There is none but God who can understand me。 No man； not Saint
Augustine himself； the tenderest of the Fathers of the Church； could
enter into the scruples of my conscience； which are to me as the
circles of Dante's hell； whence there is no escape。 Another than my
husband； a different man； however unworthy of the offering； has had
all my love。 No； he has not had it； for he did not take it； I gave it
him as a mother gives her child a wonderful toy； which it breaks。 For
me there never could be two loves。 In some natures love can never be
on trial； it is； or it is not。 When it comes； when it rises up； it is
complete。Well； that life of eighteen months was to me a life of
eighteen years； I threw into it all the faculties of my being； which
were not impoverished by their effusiveness； they were exhausted by
that delusive intimacy in which I alone was genuine。 For me the cup of
happiness is not drained； nor empty； and nothing can refill it； for it
is broken。 I am out of the fray； I have no weapons left。 Having thus
utterly abandoned myself； what am I？the leavings of a feast。 I had
but one name bestowed on me； Honorine； as I had but one heart。 My
husband had the young girl； a worthless lover had the womanthere is
nothing left！Then let myself be loved！ that is the great idea you
mean to utter to me。 Oh！ but I still am something； and I rebel at the
idea of being a prostitute！ Yes； by the light of the conflagration I
saw clearly； and I tell youwell； I could imagine surrendering to
another man's love； but to Octave's？No； never。'
〃 'Ah！ you love him；' I said。
〃 'I esteem him； respect him； venerate him； he never has done me the
smallest hurt； he is kind； he is tender； but I can never more love
him。 However；' she went on； 'let us talk no more of this。 Discussion
makes everything small。 I will express my notions on this subject in
writing to you； for at this moment they are suffocating me； I am
feverish； my feet are standing in the ashes of my Paraclete。 All that
I see； these things which I believed I had earned by my labor； now
remind me of everything I wish to forget。 Ah！ I must fly from hence as
I fled from my home。'
〃 'Where will you go？' I asked。 'Can a woman exist unprotected？ At
thirty； in all the glory of your beauty； rich in powers of which you
have no suspicion； full of tenderness to be bestowed； are you prepared
to live in the wilderness where I could hide you？Be quite easy。 The
Count； who for nine years has never allowed himself to be seen here；
will never go there without your permission。 You have his sublime
devotion of nine years as a guarantee for your tranquillity。 You may
therefore discuss the future in perfect confidence with my uncle and
me。 My uncle has as much influence as a Minister of State。 So compose
yourself； do not exaggerate your misfortune。 A priest whose hair has
grown white in the exercise of his functions is not a boy； you will be
understood by him to whom every passion has been confided for nearly
fifty years now； and who weighs in his hands the ponderous heart of
kings and princes。 If he is stern under his stole； in the presence of
your flowers he will be as tender as they are； and as indulgent as his
Divine Master。'
〃I left the Countess at midnight； she was apparently calm； but
depressed； and had some secret purpose which no perspicacity could
guess。 I found the Count a few paces off； in the Rue Saint…Maur。 Drawn
by an irresistible attraction； he had quitted the spot on the
Boulevards where we had agreed to meet。
〃 'What a night my poor child will go through！' he exclaimed； when I
had finished my account of the scene that had just taken place。
'Supposing I were to go to her！' he added； 'supposing she were to see
me suddenly？'
〃 'At this moment she is capable of throwing herself out of the
window；' I replied。 'The Countess is one of those Lucretias who could
not survive any violence； even if it were done by a man into whose
arms she could throw herself。'
〃 'You are young；' he answered； 'you do not know that in a soul tossed
by such dreadful alternatives the will is like waters of a lake lashed
by a tempest； the wind changes every instant； and the waves are driven
now to one shore； now to the other。 During this night the chances are
quite as great that on seeing me Honorine might rush into my arms as
that she would throw herself out of the window。'
〃 'And you would accept the equal chances；' said I。
〃 'Well； come；' said he； 'I have at home； to enable me to wait till
to…morrow； a dose of opium which Desplein prepared for me to send me
to sleep without any risk！'
〃Next day at noon Gobain brought me a letter； telling me that the
Countess had gone to bed at six； worn out with fatigue； and that；
having taken a soothing draught prepared by the chemist； she had now
fallen asleep。
〃This is her letter； of which I kept a copyfor you； mademoiselle；〃
said the Consul； addressing Camille； 〃know all the resources of art；
the tricks of style； and the efforts made in their compositions by
writers who do not lack skill； but you will acknowledge that
literature could never find such language in its assumed pathos； there
is nothing so terrible as truth。 Here is the letter written by this
woman； or rather by this anguish：
〃 'MONSIEUR MAURICE；
〃 'I know all your uncle would say to me； he is not better informed
than my own conscience。 Conscience is the interpreter of God to man。 I
know that if I am not reconciled to Octave； I shall be damned； that is
the sentence of religious law。 Civil law condemns me to obey； cost
what it may。 If my husband does not reject me； the world will regard
me as pure； as virtuous； whatever I may have done。 Yes； that much is
sublime in marriage； society ratifies the husband's forgiveness； but
it forgets that the forgiveness must be accepted。 Legally；
religiously； and from the world's point of view I ought to go back to
Octave。 Keeping only to the human aspect of the question； is it not
cruel to refuse him happiness； to deprive him of children； to wipe his
name out of the Golden Book and the list of peers？ My sufferings； my
repugnance； my feelings； all my egoismfor I know that I am an egoist
ought to be sacrificed to the family。 I shall be a mother； the
caresses of my child will wipe away many tears！ I shall be very happy；
I certainly shall be much looked up to。 I shall ride； haughty and
wealthy； in a handsome carriage！ I shall have servants and a fine
house； and be the queen of as many parties as there are weeks in the
year。 The world will receive me handsomely。 I shall not have to climb
up again to the heaven of aristocracy； I shall never have come down
from it。 So God； the law； society are all in accord。
〃 ' 〃What are you rebelling against？〃 I am asked from the height of
heaven； from the pulpit； from the judge's bench； a