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held it for him； while he lay on the ground with his head between
the wheels； and worked at it from below； and dropped oil upon
himself。 Then he took it away from me； and doubled himself across
it like a pack…saddle； till he lost his balance and slid over on to
his head。 Three times he said：
〃Thank Heaven； that's right at last！〃
And twice he said：
〃No； I'm damned if it is after all！〃
What he said the third time I try to forget。
Then he lost his temper and tried bullying the thing。 The bicycle；
I was glad to see； showed spirit； and the subsequent proceedings
degenerated into little else than a rough…and…tumble fight between
him and the machine。 One moment the bicycle would be on the gravel
path； and he on top of it； the next； the position would be
reversedhe on the gravel path； the bicycle on him。 Now he would
be standing flushed with victory； the bicycle firmly fixed between
his legs。 But his triumph would be short…lived。 By a sudden；
quick movement it would free itself； and； turning upon him； hit him
sharply over the head with one of its handles。
At a quarter to one； dirty and dishevelled； cut and breeding； he
said： 〃I think that will do；〃 and rose and wiped his brow。
The bicycle looked as if it also had had enough of it。 Which had
received most punishment it would have been difficult to say。 I
took him into the back kitchen； where； so far as was possible
without soda and proper tools； he cleaned himself； and sent him
home。
The bicycle I put into a cab and took round to the nearest
repairing shop。 The foreman of the works came up and looked at it。
〃What do you want me to do with that？〃 said he。
〃I want you；〃 I said； 〃so far as is possible； to restore it。〃
〃It's a bit far gone；〃 said he； 〃but I'll do my best。〃
He did his best； which came to two pounds ten。 But it was never
the same machine again； and at the end of the season I left it in
an agent's hands to sell。 I wished to deceive nobody； I instructed
the man to advertise it as a last year's machine。 The agent
advised me not to mention any date。 He said：
〃In this business it isn't a question of what is true and what
isn't； it's a question of what you can get people to believe。 Now；
between you and me； it don't look like a last year's machine； so
far as looks are concerned； it might be a ten…year old。 We'll say
nothing about date； we'll just get what we can。〃
I left the matter to him； and he got me five pounds； which he said
was more than he had expected。
There are two ways you can get exercise out of a bicycle： you can
〃overhaul〃 it； or you can ride it。 On the whole； I am not sure
that a man who takes his pleasure overhauling does not have the
best of the bargain。 He is independent of the weather and the
wind； the state of the roads troubles him not。 Give him a screw…
hammer； a bundle of rags； an oil…can； and something to sit down
upon； and he is happy for the day。 He has to put up with certain
disadvantages； of course； there is no joy without alloy。 He
himself always looks like a tinker； and his machine always suggests
the idea that； having stolen it； he has tried to disguise it； but
as he rarely gets beyond the first milestone with it； this；
perhaps； does not much matter。 The mistake some people make is in
thinking they can get both forms of sport out of the same machine。
This is impossible； no machine will stand the double strain。 You
must make up your mind whether you are going to be an 〃overhauler〃
or a rider。 Personally； I prefer to ride； therefore I take care to
have near me nothing that can tempt me to overhaul。 When anything
happens to my machine I wheel it to the nearest repairing shop。 If
I am too far from the town or village to walk； I sit by the
roadside and wait till a cart comes along。 My chief danger； I
always find； is from the wandering overhauler。 The sight of a
broken…down machine is to the overhauler as a wayside corpse to a
crow； he swoops down upon it with a friendly yell of triumph。 At
first I used to try politeness。 I would say：
〃It is nothing； don't you trouble。 You ride on； and enjoy
yourself； I beg it of you as a favour； please go away。〃
Experience has taught me； however； that courtesy is of no use in
such an extremity。 Now I say：
〃You go away and leave the thing alone； or I will knock your silly
head off。〃
And if you look determined； and have a good stout cudgel in your
hand； you can generally drive him off。
George came in later in the day。 He said：
〃Well； do you think everything will be ready？〃
I said： 〃Everything will be ready by Wednesday； except； perhaps；
you and Harris。〃
He said： 〃Is the tandem all right？〃
〃The tandem；〃 I said； 〃is well。〃
He said： 〃You don't think it wants overhauling？〃
I replied： 〃Age and experience have taught me that there are few
matters concerning which a man does well to be positive。
Consequently； there remain to me now but a limited number of
questions upon which I feel any degree of certainty。 Among such
still…unshaken beliefs； however； is the conviction that that tandem
does not want overhauling。 I also feel a presentiment that；
provided my life is spared； no human being between now and
Wednesday morning is going to overhaul it。〃
George said： 〃I should not show temper over the matter； if I were
you。 There will come a day； perhaps not far distant； when that
bicycle； with a couple of mountains between it and the nearest
repairing shop； will； in spite of your chronic desire for rest；
HAVE to be overhauled。 Then you will clamour for people to tell
you where you put the oil…can； and what you have done with the
screw…hammer。 Then； while you exert yourself holding the thing
steady against a tree； you will suggest that somebody else should
clean the chain and pump the back wheel。〃
I felt there was justice in George's rebukealso a certain amount
of prophetic wisdom。 I said：
〃Forgive me if I seemed unresponsive。 The truth is； Harris was
round here this morning〃
George said： 〃Say no more； I understand。 Besides； what I came to
talk to you about was another matter。 Look at that。〃
He handed me a small book bound in red cloth。 It was a guide to
English conversation for the use of German travellers。 It
commenced 〃On a Steam…boat；〃 and terminated 〃At the Doctor's〃； its
longest chapter being devoted to conversation in a railway
carriage； among； apparently； a compartment load of quarrelsome and
ill…mannered lunatics： 〃Can you not get further away from me；
sir？〃〃It is impossible； madam； my neighbour； here； is very
stout〃〃Shall we not endeavour to arrange our legs？〃〃Please have
the goodness to keep your elbows down〃〃Pray do not inconvenience
yourself； madam； if my shoulder is of any accommodation to you；〃
whether intended to be said sarcastically or not； there was nothing
to indicate〃I really must request you to move a little； madam； I
can hardly breathe；〃 the author's idea being； presumably； that by
this time the whole party was mixed up together on the floor。 The
chapter concluded with the phrase； 〃Here we are at our destination；
God be thanked！ （Gott sei dank！）〃 a pious exclamation； which under
the circumstances must have taken the form of a chorus。
At the end of the book was an appendix； giving the German traveller
hints concerning the preservation of his health and comfort during
his sojourn in English towns； chief among such hints being advice
to him to always travel with a supply of disinfectant powder； to
always lock his bedroom door at night； and to always carefully
count his small change。
〃It is not a brilliant publication；〃 I remarked； handing the book
back to George； 〃it is not a book that personally I would recommend
to any German about to visit England； I think it would get him
disliked。 But I have read books published in London for the use of
English travellers abroad every whit as foolish。 Some educated
idiot； misunderstanding seven languages； would appear to go about
writing these books for the misinformation and false guidance of
modern Europe。〃
〃You cannot deny；〃 said George； 〃that these books are in large
request。 They are bought by the thousand； I know。 In every tow