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late。〃
Harris said： 〃If he goes at that rate he will fall and hurt
himself。 Besides； I don't believe he knows the way。〃
I felt lonesome up there all by myself； with nobody to speak to。
Besides； not since I was a boy； I reflected； had I enjoyed a run
down a really steep hill。 I thought I would see if I could revive
the sensation。 It is a jerky exercise； but good； I should say； for
the liver。
We slept that night at Barr； a pleasant little town on the way to
St。 Ottilienberg； an interesting old convent among the mountains；
where you are waited upon by real nuns； and your bill made out by a
priest。 At Barr； just before supper a tourist entered。 He looked
English； but spoke a language the like of which I have never heard
before。 Yet it was an elegant and fine…sounding language。 The
landlord stared at him blankly； the landlady shook her head。 He
sighed； and tried another； which somehow recalled to me forgotten
memories； though； at the time； I could not fix it。 But again
nobody understood him。
〃This is damnable；〃 he said aloud to himself。
〃Ah； you are English！〃 exclaimed the landlord； brightening up。
〃And Monsieur looks tired；〃 added the bright little landlady。
〃Monsieur will have supper。〃
They both spoke English excellently； nearly as well as they spoke
French and German； and they bustled about and made him comfortable。
At supper he sat next to me； and I talked to him。
〃Tell me；〃 I saidI was curious on the subject〃what language was
it you spoke when you first came in？〃
〃German；〃 he explained。
〃Oh；〃 I replied； 〃I beg your pardon。〃
〃You did not understand it？〃 he continued。
〃It must have been my fault；〃 I answered； 〃my knowledge is
extremely limited。 One picks up a little here and there as one
goes about； but of course that is a different thing。〃
〃But THEY did not understand it；〃 he replied； 〃the landlord and his
wife； and it is their own language。〃
〃I do not think so；〃 I said。 〃The children hereabout speak German；
it is true； and our landlord and landlady know German to a certain
point。 But throughout Alsace and Lorraine the old people still
talk French。〃
〃And I spoke to them in French also；〃 he added； 〃and they
understood that no better。〃
〃It is certainly very curious；〃 I agreed。
〃It is more than curious；〃 he replied； 〃in my case it is
incomprehensible。 I possess a diploma for modern languages。 I won
my scholarship purely on the strength of my French and German。 The
correctness of my construction； the purity of my pronunciation； was
considered at my college to be quite remarkable。 Yet； when I come
abroad hardly anybody understands a word I say。 Can you explain
it？〃
〃I think I can；〃 I replied。 〃Your pronunciation is too faultless。
You remember what the Scotsman said when for the first time in his
life he tasted real whisky： 'It may be puir； but I canna drink
it'； so it is with your German。 It strikes one less as a language
than as an exhibition。 If I might offer advice； I should say：
Mispronounce as much as possible； and throw in as many mistakes as
you can think of。〃
It is the same everywhere。 Each country keeps a special
pronunciation exclusively for the use of foreignersa
pronunciation they never dream of using themselves； that they
cannot understand when it is used。 I once heard an English lady
explaining to a Frenchman how to pronounce the word Have。
〃You will pronounce it；〃 said the lady reproachfully； 〃as if it
were spelt H…a…v。 It isn't。 There is an 'e' at the end。〃
〃But I thought；〃 said the pupil； 〃that you did not sound the 'e' at
the end of h…a…v…e。〃
〃No more you do；〃 explained his teacher。 〃It is what we call a
mute 'e'； but it exercises a modifying influence on the preceding
vowel。〃
Before that； he used to say 〃have〃 quite intelligently。
Afterwards； when he came to the word he would stop dead； collect
his thoughts； and give expression to a sound that only the context
could explain。
Putting aside the sufferings of the early martyrs； few men； I
suppose； have gone through more than I myself went through in
trying to I attain the correct pronunciation of the German word for
church〃Kirche。〃 Long before I had done with it I had determined
never to go to church in Germany； rather than be bothered with it。
〃No； no；〃 my teacher would explainhe was a painstaking gentleman；
〃you say it as if it were spelt K…i…r…c…h…k…e。 There is no k。 It
is。〃 And he would illustrate to me again； for the twentieth time
that morning； how it should be pronounced； the sad thing being that
I could never for the life of me detect any difference between the
way he said it and the way I said it。 So he would try a new
method。
〃You say it from your throat；〃 he would explain。 He was quite
right； I did。 〃I want you to say it from down here；〃 and with a
fat forefinger he would indicate the region from where I was to
start。 After painful efforts； resulting in sounds suggestive of
anything rather than a place of worship； I would excuse myself。
〃I really fear it is impossible；〃 I would say。 〃You see； for years
I have always talked with my mouth； as it were； I never knew a man
could talk with his stomach。 I doubt if it is not too late now for
me to learn。〃
By spending hours in dark corners； and practising in silent
streets； to the terror of chance passers…by； I came at last to
pronounce this word correctly。 My teacher was delighted with me；
and until I came to Germany I was pleased with myself。 In Germany
I found that nobody understood what I meant by it。 I never got
near a church with it。 I had to drop the correct pronunciation；
and painstakingly go back to my first wrong pronunciation。 Then
they would brighten up； and tell me it was round the corner； or
down the next street； as the case might be。
I also think pronunciation of a foreign tongue could be better
taught than by demanding from the pupil those internal acrobatic
feats that are generally impossible and always useless。 This is
the sort of instruction one receives：
〃Press your tonsils against the underside of your larynx。 Then
with the convex part of the septum curved upwards so as almostbut
not quiteto touch the uvula； try with the tip of your tongue to
reach your thyroid。 Take a deep breath； and compress your glottis。
Now； without opening your lips； say 'Garoo。'〃
And when you have done it they are not satisfied。
CHAPTER XIII
An examination into the character and behaviour of the German
studentThe German MensurUses and abuses of useViews of an
impressionistThe humour of the thingRecipe for making savages
The Jungfrau： her peculiar taste in lacesThe KneipeHow to rub
a SalamanderAdvice to the strangerA story that might have ended
sadlyOf two men and two wivesTogether with a bachelor。
On our way home we included a German University town； being wishful
to obtain an insight into the ways of student life； a curiosity
that the courtesy of German friends enabled us to gratify。
The English boy plays till he is fifteen； and works thence till
twenty。 In Germany it is the child that works； the young man that
plays。 The German boy goes to school at seven o'clock in the
summer； at eight in the winter； and at school he studies。 The
result is that at sixteen he has a thorough knowledge of the
classics and mathematics； knows as much history as any man
compelled to belong to a political party is wise in knowing；
together with a thorough grounding in modern languages。 Therefore
his eight College Semesters； extending over four years； are； except
for the young man aiming at a professorship； unnecessarily ample。
He is not a sportsman； which is a pity； for he should make good
one。 He plays football a little； bicycles still less； plays French
billiards in stuffy cafes more。 But generally speaking he； or the
majority of him； lays out his time bummeling； beer drinking； and
fighting。 If he be the son of a wealthy father he joins a Korps
to belong to a crack Korps costs about four hundred pounds a year。
If he be a middle…class young man； he enrols himself in a
Burschenschaft； or a Landsmannschaft； which is a little cheaper。
These companies are again broken up into smaller ci