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about this sort of thing myself； but you asked for a twenty mark
kiss； and from your description of the girl some people might
consider the price reasonable。 Anyhow； I should not tell Harris。
If I remember rightly； he also has an aunt。〃
George agreed with me it would be better not。
CHAPTER VIII
Mr。 and Miss Jones； of ManchesterThe benefits of cocoaA hint to
the Peace SocietyThe window as a mediaeval argumentThe
favourite Christian recreationThe language of the guideHow to
repair the ravages of timeGeorge tries a bottleThe fate of the
German beer drinkerHarris and I resolve to do a good actionThe
usual sort of statueHarris and his friendsA pepperless
ParadiseWomen and towns。
We were on our way to Prague； and were waiting in the great hall of
the Dresden Station until such time as the powers…that…be should
permit us on to the platform。 George； who had wandered to the
bookstall； returned to us with a wild look in his eyes。 He said：
〃I've seen it。〃
I said； 〃Seen what？〃
He was too excited to answer intelligently。 He said
〃It's here。 It's coming this way； both of them。 If you wait；
you'll see it for yourselves。 I'm not joking； it's the real
thing。〃
As is usual about this period； some paragraphs； more or less
serious； had been appearing in the papers concerning the sea…
serpent； and I thought for the moment he must be referring to this。
A moment's reflection； however； told me that here； in the middle of
Europe； three hundred miles from the coast； such a thing was
impossible。 Before I could question him further； he seized me by
the arm。
〃Look！〃 he said； 〃now am I exaggerating？〃
I turned my head and saw what； I suppose； few living Englishmen
have ever seen beforethe travelling Britisher according to the
Continental idea； accompanied by his daughter。 They were coming
towards us in the flesh and blood； unless we were dreaming； alive
and concretethe English 〃Milor〃 and the English 〃Mees；〃 as for
generations they have been portrayed in the Continental comic press
and upon the Continental stage。 They were perfect in every detail。
The man was tall and thin； with sandy hair； a huge nose； and long
Dundreary whiskers。 Over a pepper…and…salt suit he wore a light
overcoat； reaching almost to his heels。 His white helmet was
ornamented with a green veil； a pair of opera…glasses hung at his
side； and in his lavender…gloved hand he carried an alpenstock a
little taller than himself。 His daughter was long and angular。
Her dress I cannot describe： my grandfather； poor gentleman； might
have been able to do so； it would have been more familiar to him。
I can only say that it appeared to me unnecessarily short；
exhibiting a pair of anklesif I may be permitted to refer to such
pointsthat； from an artistic point of view； called rather for
concealment。 Her hat made me think of Mrs。 Hemans； but why I
cannot explain。 She wore side…spring boots〃prunella；〃 I believe；
used to be the trade namemittens； and pince…nez。 She also
carried an alpenstock （there is not a mountain within a hundred
miles of Dresden） and a black bag strapped to her waist。 Her teeth
stuck out like a rabbit's； and her figure was that of a bolster on
stilts。
Harris rushed for his camera； and of course could not find it； he
never can when he wants it。 Whenever we see Harris scuttling up
and down like a lost dog； shouting； 〃Where's my camera？ What the
dickens have I done with my camera？ Don't either of you remember
where I put my camera？〃then we know that for the first time that
day he has come across something worth photographing。 Later on； he
remembered it was in his bag； that is where it would be on an
occasion like this。
They were not content with appearance； they acted the thing to the
letter。 They walked gaping round them at every step。 The
gentleman had an open Baedeker in his hand； and the lady carried a
phrase book。 They talked French that nobody could understand； and
German that they could not translate themselves！ The man poked at
officials with his alpenstock to attract their attention； and the
lady； her eye catching sight of an advertisement of somebody's
cocoa； said 〃Shocking！〃 and turned the other way。
Really； there was some excuse for her。 One notices； even in
England； the home of the proprieties； that the lady who drinks
cocoa appears； according to the poster； to require very little else
in this world； a yard or so of art muslin at the most。 On the
Continent she dispenses； so far as one can judge； with every other
necessity of life。 Not only is cocoa food and drink to her； it
should be clothes also； according to the idea of the cocoa
manufacturer。 But this by the way。
Of course； they immediately became the centre of attraction。 By
being able to render them some slight assistance； I gained the
advantage of five minutes' conversation with them。 They were very
affable。 The gentleman told me his name was Jones； and that he
came from Manchester； but he did not seem to know what part of
Manchester； or where Manchester was。 I asked him where he was
going to； but he evidently did not know。 He said it depended。 I
asked him if he did not find an alpenstock a clumsy thing to walk
about with through a crowded town； he admitted that occasionally it
did get in the way。 I asked him if he did not find a veil
interfere with his view of things； he explained that you only wore
it when the flies became troublesome。 I enquired of the lady if
she did not find the wind blow cold； she said she had noticed it；
especially at the corners。 I did not ask these questions one after
another as I have here put them down； I mixed them up with general
conversation； and we parted on good terms。
I have pondered much upon the apparition； and have come to a
definite opinion。 A man I met later at Frankfort； and to whom I
described the pair； said he had seen them himself in Paris； three
weeks after the termination of the Fashoda incident； while a
traveller for some English steel works whom we met in Strassburg
remembered having seen them in Berlin during the excitement caused
by the Transvaal question。 My conclusion is that they were actors
out of work； hired to do this thing in the interest of
international peace。 The French Foreign Office； wishful to allay
the anger of the Parisian mob clamouring for war with England；
secured this admirable couple and sent them round the town。 You
cannot be amused at a thing； and at the same time want to kill it。
The French nation saw the English citizen and citizenessno
caricature； but the living realityand their indignation exploded
in laughter。 The success of the stratagem prompted them later on
to offer their services to the German Government； with the
beneficial results that we all know。
Our own Government might learn the lesson。 It might be as well to
keep near Downing Street a few small； fat Frenchmen； to be sent
round the country when occasion called for it； shrugging their
shoulders and eating frog sandwiches； or a file of untidy； lank…
haired Germans might be retained； to walk about； smoking long
pipes； saying 〃So。〃 The public would laugh and exclaim； 〃War with
such？ It would be too absurd。〃 Failing the Government； I
recommend the scheme to the Peace Society。
Our visit to Prague we were compelled to lengthen somewhat。 Prague
is one of the most interesting towns in Europe。 Its stones are
saturated with history and romance； its every suburb must have been
a battlefield。 It is the town that conceived the Reformation and
hatched the Thirty Years' War。 But half Prague's troubles； one
imagines； might have been saved to it； had it possessed windows
less large and temptingly convenient。 The first of these mighty
catastrophes it set rolling by throwing the seven Catholic
councillors from the windows of its Rathhaus on to the pikes of the
Hussites below。 Later； it gave the signal for the second by again
throwing the Imperial councillors from the windows of the old Burg
in the HradschinPrague's second 〃Fenstersturz。〃 Since； other
fateful questions have been decide in Prague； one assumes from
their having been concluded without violence that such must have
been disc