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my doing this innocent thing so early in the morning that appealed
to her。 At every stroke I made she bleated：
〃Go…o…o…d； go…o…o…d ind…e…e…d！〃
She seemed as pleased as if she had done it herself。
As for the other one； she was a cantankerous； disagreeable old
thing； as discouraging to me as her friend was helpful。
〃Ba…a…ad； da…a…a…m ba…a…a…d！〃 was her comment on almost every
stroke。 As a matter of fact； some were really excellent strokes；
but she did it just to be contradictory； and for the sake of
irritating。 I could see that。
By a most regrettable accident； one of my swiftest balls struck the
good sheep on the nose。 And at that the bad sheep laughedlaughed
distinctly and undoubtedly； a husky； vulgar laugh； and； while her
friend stood glued to the ground； too astonished to move； she
changed her note for the first time and bleated：
〃Go…o…o…d； ve…e…ry go…o…o…d！ Be…e…e…est sho…o…o…ot he…e…e's ma…a…
a…de！〃
I would have given half…a…crown if it had been she I had hit
instead of the other one。 It is ever the good and amiable who
suffer in this world。
I had wasted more time than I had intended in the paddock； and when
Ethelbertha came to tell me it was half…past seven； and the
breakfast was on the table； I remembered that I had not shaved。 It
vexes Ethelbertha my shaving quickly。 She fears that to outsiders
it may suggest a poor…spirited attempt at suicide； and that in
consequence it may get about the neighbourhood that we are not
happy together。 As a further argument； she has also hinted that my
appearance is not of the kind that can be trifled with。
On the whole； I was just as glad not to be able to take a long
farewell of Ethelbertha； I did not want to risk her breaking down。
But I should have liked more opportunity to say a few farewell
words of advice to the children； especially as regards my fishing
rod； which they will persist in using for cricket stumps； and I
hate having to run for a train。 Quarter of a mile from the station
I overtook George and Harris； they were also running。 In their
caseso Harris informed me； jerkily； while we trotted side by
sideit was the new kitchen stove that was to blame。 This was the
first morning they had tried it； and from some cause or other it
had blown up the kidneys and scalded the cook。 He said he hoped
that by the time we returned they would have got more used to it。
We caught the train by the skin of our teeth； as the saying is； and
reflecting upon the events of the morning； as we sat gasping in the
carriage； there passed vividly before my mind the panorama of my
Uncle Podger； as on two hundred and fifty days in the year he would
start from Ealing Common by the nine…thirteen train to Moorgate
Street。
From my Uncle Podger's house to the railway station was eight
minutes' walk。 What my uncle always said was：
〃Allow yourself a quarter of an hour； and take it easily。〃
What he always did was to start five minutes before the time and
run。 I do not know why； but this was the custom of the suburb。
Many stout City gentlemen lived at Ealing in those daysI believe
some live there stilland caught early trains to Town。 They all
started late； they all carried a black bag and a newspaper in one
hand； and an umbrella in the other； and for the last quarter of a
mile to the station； wet or fine； they all ran。
Folks with nothing else to do； nursemaids chiefly and errand boys；
with now and then a perambulating costermonger added； would gather
on the common of a fine morning to watch them pass； and cheer the
most deserving。 It was not a showy spectacle。 They did not run
well； they did not even run fast； but they were earnest； and they
did their best。 The exhibition appealed less to one's sense of art
than to one's natural admiration for conscientious effort。
Occasionally a little harmless betting would take place among the
crowd。
〃Two to one agin the old gent in the white weskit！〃
〃Ten to one on old Blowpipes； bar he don't roll over hisself 'fore
'e gets there！〃
〃Heven money on the Purple Hemperor！〃a nickname bestowed by a
youth of entomological tastes upon a certain retired military
neighbour of my uncle's；a gentleman of imposing appearance when
stationary； but apt to colour highly under exercise。
My uncle and the others would write to the Ealing Press complaining
bitterly concerning the supineness of the local police； and the
editor would add spirited leaders upon the Decay of Courtesy among
the Lower Orders； especially throughout the Western Suburbs。 But
no good ever resulted。
It was not that my uncle did not rise early enough； it was that
troubles came to him at the last moment。 The first thing he would
do after breakfast would be to lose his newspaper。 We always knew
when Uncle Podger had lost anything； by the expression of
astonished indignation with which； on such occasions； he would
regard the world in general。 It never occurred to my Uncle Podger
to say to himself：
〃I am a careless old man。 I lose everything： I never know where I
have put anything。 I am quite incapable of finding it again for
myself。 In this respect I must be a perfect nuisance to everybody
about me。 I must set to work and reform myself。〃
On the contrary； by some peculiar course of reasoning； he had
convinced himself that whenever he lost a thing it was everybody
else's fault in the house but his own。
〃I had it in my hand here not a minute ago！〃 he would exclaim。
From his tone you would have thought he was living surrounded by
conjurers； who spirited away things from him merely to irritate
him。
〃Could you have left it in the garden？〃 my aunt would suggest。
〃What should I want to leave it in the garden for？ I don't want a
paper in the garden； I want the paper in the train with me。〃
〃You haven't put it in your pocket？〃
〃God bless the woman！ Do you think I should be standing here at
five minutes to nine looking for it if I had it in my pocket all
the while？ Do you think I'm a fool？〃
Here somebody would explain； 〃What's this？〃 and hand him from
somewhere a paper neatly folded。
〃I do wish people would leave my things alone；〃 he would growl；
snatching at it savagely。
He would open his bag to put it in； and then glancing at it； he
would pause； speechless with sense of injury。
〃What's the matter？〃 aunt would ask。
〃The day before yesterday's！〃 he would answer； too hurt even to
shout； throwing the paper down upon the table。
If only sometimes it had been yesterday's it would have been a
change。 But it was always the day before yesterday's； except on
Tuesday； then it would be Saturday's。
We would find it for him eventually； as often as not he was sitting
on it。 And then he would smile； not genially； but with the
weariness that comes to a man who feels that fate has cast his lot
among a band of hopeless idiots。
〃All the time； right in front of your noses！〃 He would not
finish the sentence； he prided himself on his self…control。
This settled； he would start for the hall； where it was the custom
of my Aunt Maria to have the children gathered； ready to say good…
bye to him。
My aunt never left the house herself； if only to make a call next
door； without taking a tender farewell of every inmate。 One never
knew； she would say； what might happen。
One of them； of course； was sure to be missing； and the moment this
was noticed all the other six； without an instant's hesitation；
would scatter with a whoop to find it。 Immediately they were gone
it would turn up by itself from somewhere quite near； always with
the most reasonable explanation for its absence； and would at once
start off after the others to explain to them that it was found。
In this way； five minutes at least would be taken up in everybody's
looking for everybody else； which was just sufficient time to allow
my uncle to find his umbrella and lose his hat。 Then； at last； the
group reassembled in the hall； the drawing…room clock would
commence to strike nine。 It possessed a cold； penetrating chime
that always had the effect of confusing my uncle。 In his
excitement he would kiss some of the children twice over； pass by
others； forget whom he had kissed a