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request。 They are bought by the thousand； I know。 In every town
in Europe there must be people going about talking this sort of
thing。〃
〃Maybe；〃 I replied； 〃but fortunately nobody understands them。 I
have noticed； myself； men standing on railway platforms and at
street corners reading aloud from such books。 Nobody knows what
language they are speaking； nobody has the slightest knowledge of
what they are saying。 This is； perhaps； as well； were they
understood they would probably be assaulted。〃
George said： 〃Maybe you are right； my idea is to see what would
happen if they were understood。 My proposal is to get to London
early on Wednesday morning； and spend an hour or two going about
and shopping with the aid of this book。 There are one or two
little things I wanta hat and a pair of bedroom slippers； among
other articles。 Our boat does not leave Tilbury till twelve； and
that just gives us time。 I want to try this sort of talk where I
can properly judge of its effect。 I want to see how the foreigner
feels when he is talked to in this way。〃
It struck me as a sporting idea。 In my enthusiasm I offered to
accompany him； and wait outside the shop。 I said I thought that
Harris would like to be in it； tooor rather outside。
George said that was not quite his scheme。 His proposal was that
Harris and I should accompany him into the shop。 With Harris； who
looks formidable； to support him； and myself at the door to call
the police if necessary； he said he was willing to adventure the
thing。
We walked round to Harris's； and put the proposal before him。 He
examined the book； especially the chapters dealing with the
purchase of shoes and hats。 He said：
〃If George talks to any bootmaker or any hatter the things that are
put down here； it is not support he will want； it is carrying to
the hospital that he will need。〃
That made George angry。
〃You talk；〃 said George； 〃as though I were a foolhardy boy without
any sense。 I shall select from the more polite and less irritating
speeches； the grosser insults I shall avoid。〃
This being clearly understood； Harris gave in his adhesion； and our
start was fixed for early Wednesday morning。
CHAPTER IV
Why Harris considers alarm clocks unnecessary in a familySocial
instinct of the youngA child's thoughts about the morningThe
sleepless watchmanThe mystery of himHis over anxietyNight
thoughtsThe sort of work one does before breakfastThe good
sheep and the badDisadvantages of being virtuousHarris's new
stove begins badlyThe daily out…going of my Uncle PodgerThe
elderly city man considered as a racerWe arrive in LondonWe
talk the language of the traveller。
George came down on Tuesday evening； and slept at Harris's place。
We thought this a better arrangement than his own suggestion； which
was that we should call for him on our way and 〃pick him up。〃
Picking George up in the morning means picking him out of bed to
begin with； and shaking him awakein itself an exhausting effort
with which to commence the day； helping him find his things and
finish his packing； and then waiting for him while he eats his
breakfast； a tedious entertainment from the spectator's point of
view； full of wearisome repetition。
I knew that if he slept at 〃Beggarbush〃 he would be up in time； I
have slept there myself； and I know what happens。 About the middle
of the night； as you judge； though in reality it may be somewhat
later； you are startled out of your first sleep by what sounds like
a rush of cavalry along the passage； just outside your door。 Your
half…awakened intelligence fluctuates between burglars； the Day of
Judgment； and a gas explosion。 You sit up in bed and listen
intently。 You are not kept waiting long； the next moment a door is
violently slammed； and somebody； or something； is evidently coming
downstairs on a tea…tray。
〃I told you so；〃 says a voice outside； and immediately some hard
substance； a head one would say from the ring of it； rebounds
against the panel of your door。
By this time you are charging madly round the room for your
clothes。 Nothing is where you put it overnight； the articles most
essential have disappeared entirely； and meanwhile the murder； or
revolution； or whatever it is； continues unchecked。 You pause for
a moment； with your head under the wardrobe； where you think you
can see your slippers； to listen to a steady； monotonous thumping
upon a distant door。 The victim； you presume； has taken refuge
there； they mean to have him out and finish him。 Will you be in
time？ The knocking ceases； and a voice； sweetly reassuring in its
gentle plaintiveness； asks meekly：
〃Pa； may I get up？〃
You do not hear the other voice； but the responses are：
〃No； it was only the bathno； she ain't really hurt；only wet；
you know。 Yes； ma； I'll tell 'em what you say。 No； it was a pure
accident。 Yes； good…night； papa。〃
Then the same voice； exerting itself so as to be heard in a distant
part of the house； remarks：
〃You've got to come upstairs again。 Pa says it isn't time yet to
get up。〃
You return to bed； and lie listening to somebody being dragged
upstairs； evidently against their will。 By a thoughtful
arrangement the spare rooms at 〃Beggarbush〃 are exactly underneath
the nurseries。 The same somebody； you conclude； still offering the
most creditable opposition； is being put back into bed。 You can
follow the contest with much exactitude； because every time the
body is flung down upon the spring mattress； the bedstead； just
above your head； makes a sort of jump； while every time the body
succeeds in struggling out again； you are aware by the thud upon
the floor。 After a time the struggle wanes； or maybe the bed
collapses； and you drift back into sleep。 But the next moment； or
what seems to be the next moment； you again open your eyes under
the consciousness of a presence。 The door is being held ajar； and
four solemn faces； piled one on top of the other； are peering at
you； as though you were some natural curiosity kept in this
particular room。 Seeing you awake； the top face； walking calmly
over the other three； comes in and sits on the bed in a friendly
attitude。
〃Oh！〃 it says； 〃we didn't know you were awake。 I've been awake
some time。〃
〃So I gather；〃 you reply； shortly。
〃Pa doesn't like us to get up too early；〃 it continues。 〃He says
everybody else in the house is liable to be disturbed if we get up。
So； of course； we mustn't。〃
The tone is that of gentle resignation。 It is instinct with the
spirit of virtuous pride； arising from the consciousness of self…
sacrifice。
〃Don't you call this being up？〃 you suggest。
〃Oh； no； we're not really up； you know； because we're not properly
dressed。〃 The fact is self…evident。 〃Pa's always very tired in
the morning；〃 the voice continues； 〃of course； that's because he
works hard all day。 Are you ever tired in the morning？〃
At this point he turns and notices； for the first time； that the
three other children have also entered； and are sitting in a semi…
circle on the floor。 From their attitude it is clear they have
mistaken the whole thing for one of the slower forms of
entertainment； some comic lecture or conjuring exhibition； and are
waiting patiently for you to get out of bed and do something。 It
shocks him； the idea of their being in the guest's bedchamber。 He
peremptorily orders them out。 They do not answer him； they do not
argue； in dead silence； and with one accord they fall upon him。
All you can see from the bed is a confused tangle of waving arms
and legs； suggestive of an intoxicated octopus trying to find
bottom。 Not a word is spoken； that seems to be the etiquette of
the thing。 If you are sleeping in your pyjamas； you spring from
the bed； and only add to the confusion； if you are wearing a less
showy garment； you stop where you are and shout commands； which are
utterly unheeded。 The simplest plan is to leave it to the eldest
boy。 He does get them out after a while； and closes the door upon
them。 It re…opens immediately； and one； generally Muriel； is shot
back into the room。 She enters as from a catapult。 She is
handicapped by having long hair； whi