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Three Men on the Bummel
by Jerome K。 Jerome
CHAPTER I
Three men need changeAnecdote showing evil result of deception
Moral cowardice of GeorgeHarris has ideasYarn of the Ancient
Mariner and the Inexperienced YachtsmanA hearty crewDanger of
sailing when the wind is off the landImpossibility of sailing
when the wind is off the seaThe argumentativeness of Ethelbertha…
…The dampness of the riverHarris suggests a bicycle tourGeorge
thinks of the windHarris suggests the Black ForestGeorge thinks
of the hillsPlan adopted by Harris for ascent of hills
Interruption by Mrs。 Harris。
〃What we want；〃 said Harris； 〃is a change。〃
At this moment the door opened； and Mrs。 Harris put her head in to
say that Ethelbertha had sent her to remind me that we must not be
late getting home because of Clarence。 Ethelbertha； I am inclined
to think； is unnecessarily nervous about the children。 As a matter
of fact； there was nothing wrong with the child whatever。 He had
been out with his aunt that morning； and if he looks wistfully at a
pastrycook's window she takes him inside and buys him cream buns
and 〃maids…of…honour〃 until he insists that he has had enough； and
politely； but firmly； refuses to eat another anything。 Then； of
course； he wants only one helping of pudding at lunch； and
Ethelbertha thinks he is sickening for something。 Mrs。 Harris
added that it would be as well for us to come upstairs soon； on our
own account also； as otherwise we should miss Muriel's rendering of
〃The Mad Hatter's Tea Party；〃 out of Alice in Wonderland。 Muriel
is Harris's second； age eight： she is a bright； intelligent child；
but I prefer her myself in serious pieces。 We said we would finish
our cigarettes and follow almost immediately； we also begged her
not to let Muriel begin until we arrived。 She promised to hold the
child back as long as possible； and went。 Harris； as soon as the
door was closed； resumed his interrupted sentence。
〃You know what I mean；〃 he said； 〃a complete change。〃
The question was how to get it。
George suggested 〃business。〃 It was the sort of suggestion George
would make。 A bachelor thinks a married woman doesn't know enough
to get out of the way of a steam…roller。 I knew a young fellow
once； an engineer； who thought he would go to Vienna 〃on business。〃
His wife wanted to know 〃what business？〃 He told her it would be
his duty to visit the mines in the neighbourhood of the Austrian
capital； and to make reports。 She said she would go with him； she
was that sort of woman。 He tried to dissuade her： he told her
that a mine was no place for a beautiful woman。 She said she felt
that herself； and that therefore she did not intend to accompany
him down the shafts； she would see him off in the morning； and then
amuse herself until his return； looking round the Vienna shops； and
buying a few things she might want。 Having started the idea； he
did not see very well how to get out of it； and for ten long summer
days he did visit the mines in the neighbourhood of Vienna； and in
the evening wrote reports about them； which she posted for him to
his firm； who didn't want them。
I should be grieved to think that either Ethelbertha or Mrs。 Harris
belonged to that class of wife； but it is as well not to overdo
〃business〃it should be kept for cases of real emergency。
〃No；〃 I said； 〃the thing is to be frank and manly。 I shall tell
Ethelbertha that I have come to the conclusion a man never values
happiness that is always with him。 I shall tell her that； for the
sake of learning to appreciate my own advantages as I know they
should be appreciated； I intend to tear myself away from her and
the children for at least three weeks。 I shall tell her；〃 I
continued； turning to Harris； 〃that it is you who have shown me my
duty in this respect； that it is to you we shall owe〃
Harris put down his glass rather hurriedly。
〃If you don't mind； old man；〃 he interrupted； 〃I'd really rather
you didn't。 She'll talk it over with my wife； andwell； I should
not be happy； taking credit that I do not deserve。〃
〃But you do deserve it；〃 I insisted； 〃it was your suggestion。〃
〃It was you gave me the idea；〃 interrupted Harris again。 〃You know
you said it was a mistake for a man to get into a groove； and that
unbroken domesticity cloyed the brain。〃
〃I was speaking generally；〃 I explained。
〃It struck me as very apt；〃 said Harris。 〃I thought of repeating
it to Clara； she has a great opinion of your sense； I know。 I am
sure that if〃
〃We won't risk it；〃 I interrupted； in my turn； 〃it is a delicate
matter； and I see a way out of it。 We will say George suggested
the idea。〃
There is a lack of genial helpfulness about George that it
sometimes vexes me to notice。 You would have thought he would have
welcomed the chance of assisting two old friends out of a dilemma；
instead； he became disagreeable。
〃You do；〃 said George； 〃and I shall tell them both that my original
plan was that we should make a partychildren and all； that I
should bring my aunt； and that we should hire a charming old
chateau I know of in Normandy； on the coast； where the climate is
peculiarly adapted to delicate children； and the milk such as you
do not get in England。 I shall add that you over…rode that
suggestion； arguing we should be happier by ourselves。〃
With a man like George kindness is of no use； you have to be firm。
〃You do；〃 said Harris； 〃and I； for one； will close with the offer。
We will just take that chateau。 You will bring your auntI will
see to that；and we will have a month of it。 The children are all
fond of you； J。 and I will be nowhere。 You've promised to teach
Edgar fishing； and it is you who will have to play wild beasts。
Since last Sunday Dick and Muriel have talked of nothing else but
your hippopotamus。 We will picnic in the woodsthere will only be
eleven of us；and in the evenings we will have music and
recitations。 Muriel is master of six pieces already； as perhaps
you know； and all the other children are quick studies。〃
George climbed downhe has no real couragebut he did not do it
gracefully。 He said that if we were mean and cowardly and false…
hearted enough to stoop to such a shabby trick； he supposed he
couldn't help it； and that if I didn't intend to finish the whole
bottle of claret myself； he would trouble me to spare him a glass。
He also added； somewhat illogically； that it really did not matter；
seeing both Ethelbertha and Mrs。 Harris were women of sense who
would judge him better than to believe for a moment that the
suggestion emanated from him。
This little point settled； the question was： What sort of a
change？
Harris； as usual； was for the sea。 He said he knew a yacht； just
the very thingone that we could manage by ourselves； no skulking
lot of lubbers loafing about； adding to the expense and taking away
from the romance。 Give him a handy boy； he would sail it himself。
We knew that yacht； and we told him so； we had been on it with
Harris before。 It smells of bilge…water and greens to the
exclusion of all other scents； no ordinary sea air can hope to head
against it。 So far as sense of smell is concerned； one might be
spending a week in Limehouse Hole。 There is no place to get out of
the rain； the saloon is ten feet by four； and half of that is taken
up by a stove； which falls to pieces when you go to light it。 You
have to take your bath on deck； and the towel blows overboard just
as you step out of the tub。 Harris and the boy do all the
interesting workthe lugging and the reefing； the letting her go
and the heeling her over； and all that sort of thing；leaving
George and myself to do the peeling of the potatoes and the washing
up。
〃Very well； then；〃 said Harris； 〃let's take a proper yacht； with a
skipper； and do the thing in style。〃
That also I objected to。 I know that skipper； his notion of
yachting is to lie in what he calls the 〃offing；〃 where he can be
well in touch with his wife and family； to say nothing of his
favourite public…house。
Years ago； when I was young and inexperienced； I hired a yacht
myself。 Three things had combined to lead me into this
foolishness：