按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
n it。 The Church has opened these tombs in which life is buried； no doubt they are needful for those few Christians who are absolutely useless to the world； but for me； it would be better； I thought； to live among my fellows； to devote my life of expiation to their service。
〃As I returned I thought long and carefully over the various ways in which I could carry out my vow of renunciation。 Already I began； in fancy； to lead the life of a common sailor； condemning myself to serve our country in the lowest ranks； and giving up all my intellectual ambitions； but though it was a life of toil and of self…abnegation； it seemed to me that I ought to do more than this。 Should I not thwart the designs of God by leading such a life？ If He had given me intellectual ability； was it not my duty to employ it for the good of my fellow…men？ Then； besides； if I am to speak frankly； I felt within me a need of my fellow…men； an indescribable wish to help them。 The round of mechanical duties and the routine tasks of the sailor afforded no scope for this desire； which is as much an outcome of my nature as the characteristic scent that a flower breathes forth。
〃I was obliged to spend the night here； as I have already told you。 The wretched condition of the countryside had filled me with pity； and during the night it seemed as if these thoughts had been sent to me by God； and that thus He had revealed His will to me。 I had known something of the joys that pierce the heart； the happiness and the sorrow of motherhood； I determined that henceforth my life should be filled with these； but that mine should be a wider sphere than a mother's。 I would expend her care and kindness on the whole district； I would be a sister of charity； and bind the wounds of all the suffering poor in a countryside。 It seemed to me that the finger of God unmistakably pointed out my destiny； and when I remembered that my first serious thoughts in youth had inclined me to the study of medicine； I resolved to settle here as a doctor。 Besides； I had another reason。 FOR A WOUNDED HEARTSHADOW AND SILENCE； so I had written in my letter； and I meant to fulfil the vow which I had made to myself。
〃So I have entered into the paths of silence and submission。 The fuge； late； tace of the Carthusian brother is my motto here； my death to the world is the life of this canton； my prayer takes the form of the active work to which I have set my hand； and which I lovethe work of sowing the seeds of happiness and joy； of giving to others what I myself have not。
〃I have grown so used to this life； completely out of the world and among the peasants； that I am thoroughly transformed。 Even my face is altered； it has been so continually exposed to the sun； that it has grown wrinkled and weather…beaten。 I have fallen into the habits of the peasants； I have assumed their dress； their ways of talking； their gait； their easy…going negligence； their utter indifference to appearances。 My old acquaintances in Paris； or the she…coxcombs on whom I used to dance attendance； would be puzzled to recognize in me the man who had a certain vogue in his day； the sybarite accustomed to all the splendor； luxury； and finery of Paris。 I have come to be absolutely indifferent to my surroundings； like all those who are possessed by one thought； and have only one object in view； for I have but one aim in lifeto take leave of it as soon as possible。 I do not want to hasten my end in any way； but some day； when illness comes； I shall lie down to die without regret。
〃There； sir； you have the whole story of my life until I came here told in all sincerity。 I have not attempted to conceal any of my errors； they have been great； though others have erred as I have erred。 I have suffered greatly； and I am suffering still； but I look beyond this life to a happy future which can only be reached through sorrow。 And yetfor all my resignation； there are moments when my courage fails me。 This very day I was almost overcome in your presence by inward anguish； you did not notice it but〃
Genestas started in his chair。
〃Yes； Captain Bluteau； you were with me at the time。 Do you remember how； while we were putting little Jacques to bed； you pointed to the mattress on which Mother Colas sleeps？ Well； you can imagine how painful it all was； I can never see any child without thinking of the dear child I have lost； and this little one was doomed to die！ I can never see a child with indifferent eyes〃
Genestas turned pale。
〃Yes； the sight of the little golden heads； the innocent beauty of children's faces always awakens memories of my sorrows； and the old anguish returns afresh。 Now and then； too； there comes the intolerable thought that so many people here should thank me for what little I can do for them； when all that I have done has been prompted by remorse。 You alone； captain； know the secret of my life。 If I had drawn my will to serve them from some purer source than the memory of my errors； I should be happy indeed！ But then； too； there would have been nothing to tell you； and no story about myself。〃
CHAPTER V
ELEGIES
As Benassis finished his story； he was struck by the troubled expression of the officer's face。 It touched him to have been so well understood。 He was almost ready to reproach himself for having distressed his visitor。 He spoke：
〃But these troubles of mine； Captain Bluteau〃
〃Do not call me Captain Bluteau；〃 cried Genestas； breaking in upon the doctor； and springing to his feet with sudden energy； a change of position that seemed to be prompted by inward dissatisfaction of some kind。 〃There is no such person as Captain Bluteau。 。 。 。 I am a scoundrel！〃
With no little astonishment； Benassis beheld Genestas pacing to and fro in the salon； like a bumble…bee in quest of an exit from the room which he has incautiously entered。
〃Then who are you； sir？〃 inquired Benassis。
〃Ah！ there now！〃 the officer answered； as he turned and took his stand before the doctor； though he lacked courage to look at his friend。 〃I have deceived you！〃 he went on （and there was a change in his voice）。 〃I have acted a lie for the first time in my life； and I am well punished for it； for after this I cannot explain why I came here to play the spy upon you； confound it！ Ever since I have had a glimpse of your soul； so to speak； I would far sooner have taken a box on the ear whenever I heard you call me Captain Bluteau！ Perhaps you may forgive me for this subterfuge； but I shall never forgive myself； I； Pierre Joseph Genestas； who would not lie to save my life before a court… martial！〃
〃Are you Commandant Genestas？〃 cried Benassis； rising to his feet。 He grasped the officer's hand warmly； and added： 〃As you said but a short time ago； sir； we were friends before we knew each other。 I have been very anxious to make your acquaintance； for I have often heard M。 Gravier speak of you。 He used to call you； 'one of Plutarch's men。' 〃
〃Plutarch？ Nothing of the sort！〃 answered Genestas。 〃I am not worthy of you； I could thrash myself。 I ought to have told you my secret in a straightforward way at the first。 Yet； now！ It is quite as well that I wore a mask； and came here myself in search of information concerning you； for now I know that I must hold my tongue。 If I had set about this business in the right fashion it would have been painful to you； and God forbid that I should give you the slightest annoyance。〃
〃But I do not understand you； commandant。〃
〃Let the matter drop。 I am not ill； I have spent a pleasant day； and I will go back to…morrow。 Whenever you come to Grenoble； you will find that you have one more friend there； who will be your friend through thick and thin。 Pierre Joseph Genestas' sword and purse are at your disposal； and I am yours to the last drop of my blood。 Well； after all； your words have fallen on good soil。 When I am pensioned off； I will look for some out…of…the…way little place； and be mayor of it； and try to follow your example。 I have not your knowledge； but I will study at any rate。〃
〃You are right； sir； the landowner who spends his time in convincing a commune of the folly of some mistaken notion of agriculture； confers upon his country a benefit quite as great as any that the most skilf