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And well do they deserve such honorable estimation； for the
maxims of wisdom and virtue which fall from their lips come from
as deep a spiritual source； and tend to as lofty a religious aim；
as those of the sagest philosophers of old。 In justification of
this high praise I need only mention the names of the Rev。 Mr。
Shallow…deep； the Rev。 Mr。 Stumble…at…truth； that fine old
clerical character the Rev。 Mr。 This…today； who expects shortly
to resign his pulpit to the Rev。 Mr。 That…tomorrow； together with
the Rev。 Mr。 Bewilderment； the Rev。 Mr。 Clog…the…spirit； and；
last and greatest； the Rev。 Dr。 Wind…of…doctrine。 The labors of
these eminent divines are aided by those of innumerable
lecturers； who diffuse such a various profundity； in all subjects
of human or celestial science； that any man may acquire an
omnigenous erudition without the trouble of even learning to
read。 Thus literature is etherealized by assuming for its medium
the human voice； and knowledge； depositing all its heavier
particles； except； doubtless； its gold becomes exhaled into a
sound； which forthwith steals into the ever…open ear of the
community。 These ingenious methods constitute a sort of
machinery； by which thought and study are done to every person's
hand without his putting himself to the slightest inconvenience
in the matter。 There is another species of machine for the
wholesale manufacture of individual morality。 This excellent
result is effected by societies for all manner of virtuous
purposes； with which a man has merely to connect himself；
throwing； as it were； his quota of virtue into the common stock；
and the president and directors will take care that the aggregate
amount be well applied。 All these； and other wonderful
improvements in ethics； religion； and literature； being made
plain to my comprehension by the ingenious Mr。 Smooth…it…away；
inspired me with a vast admiration of Vanity Fair。
It would fill a volume； in an age of pamphlets； were I to record
all my observations in this great capital of human business and
pleasure。 There was an unlimited range of societythe powerful；
the wise； the witty； and the famous in every walk of life；
princes； presidents； poets； generals； artists； actors； and
philanthropists；all making their own market at the fair； and
deeming no price too exorbitant for such commodities as hit their
fancy。 It was well worth one's while； even if he had no idea of
buying or selling； to loiter through the bazaars and observe the
various sorts of traffic that were going forward。
Some of the purchasers； I thought； made very foolish bargains。
For instance； a young man having inherited a splendid fortune；
laid out a considerable portion of it in the purchase of
diseases； and finally spent all the rest for a heavy lot of
repentance and a suit of rags。 A very pretty girl bartered a
heart as clear as crystal； and which seemed her most valuable
possession； for another jewel of the same kind； but so worn and
defaced as to be utterly worthless。 In one shop there were a
great many crowns of laurel and myrtle； which soldiers； authors；
statesmen； and various other people pressed eagerly to buy； some
purchased these paltry wreaths with their lives； others by a
toilsome servitude of years； and many sacrificed whatever was
most valuable； yet finally slunk away without the crown。 There
was a sort of stock or scrip； called Conscience； which seemed to
be in great demand； and would purchase almost anything。 Indeed；
few rich commodities were to be obtained without paying a heavy
sum in this particular stock； and a man's business was seldom
very lucrative unless he knew precisely when and how to throw his
hoard of conscience into the market。 Yet as this stock was the
only thing of permanent value； whoever parted with it was sure to
find himself a loser in the long run。 Several of the speculations
were of a questionable character。 Occasionally a member of
Congress recruited his pocket by the sale of his constituents；
and I was assured that public officers have often sold their
country at very moderate prices。 Thousands sold their happiness
for a whim。 Gilded chains were in great demand； and purchased
with almost any sacrifice。 In truth； those who desired； according
to the old adage； to sell anything valuable for a song； might
find customers all over the Fair； and there were innumerable
messes of pottage； piping hot； for such as chose to buy them with
their birthrights。 A few articles； however； could not be found
genuine at Vanity Fair。 If a customer wished to renew his stock
of youth the dealers offered him a set of false teeth and an
auburn wig； if he demanded peace of mind； they recommended opium
or a brandy bottle。
Tracts of land and golden mansions； situate in the Celestial
City； were often exchanged； at very disadvantageous rates； for a
few years' lease of small； dismal； inconvenient tenements in
Vanity Fair。 Prince Beelzebub himself took great interest in this
sort of traffic； and sometimes condescended to meddle with
smaller matters。 I once had the pleasure to see him bargaining
with a miser for his soul； which； after much ingenious
skirmishing on both sides； his highness succeeded in obtaining at
about the value of sixpence。 The prince remarked with a smile；
that he was a loser by the transaction。
Day after day； as I walked the streets of Vanity； my manners and
deportment became more and more like those of the inhabitants。
The place began to seem like home； the idea of pursuing my
travels to the Celestial City was almost obliterated from my
mind。 I was reminded of it； however； by the sight of the same
pair of simple pilgrims at whom we had laughed so heartily when
Apollyon puffed smoke and steam into their faces at the
commencement of our journey。 There they stood amidst the densest
bustle of Vanity； the dealers offering them their purple and fine
linen and jewels； the men of wit and humor gibing at them； a pair
of buxom ladies ogling them askance； while the benevolent Mr。
Smooth…it…away whispered some of his wisdom at their elbows； and
pointed to a newly…erected temple； but there were these worthy
simpletons； making the scene look wild and monstrous； merely by
their sturdy repudiation of all part in its business or
pleasures。
One of themhis name was Stick…to…the…rightperceived in my
face； I suppose； a species of sympathy and almost admiration；
which； to my own great surprise； I could not help feeling for
this pragmatic couple。 It prompted him to address me。
〃Sir；〃 inquired he； with a sad； yet mild and kindly voice。 〃do
you call yourself a pilgrim？〃
〃Yes；〃 I replied； 〃my right to that appellation is indubitable。 I
am merely a sojourner here in Vanity Fair； being bound to the
Celestial City by the new railroad。〃
〃Alas； friend；〃 rejoined Mr。 Stick…to…the…truth； 〃I do assure
you； and beseech you to receive the truth of my words； that that
whole concern is a bubble。 You may travel on it all your
lifetime； were you to live thousands of years； and yet never get
beyond the limits of Vanity Fair。 Yea； though you should deem
yourself entering the gates of the blessed city； it will be
nothing but a miserable delusion。〃
〃The Lord of the Celestial City；〃 began the other pilgrim； whose
name was Mr。 Foot…it…to…heaven； 〃has refused； and will ever
refuse； to grant an act of incorporation for this railroad； and
unless that be obtained； no passenger can ever hope to enter his
dominions。 Wherefore every man who buys a ticket must lay his
account with losing the purchase money； which is the value of his
own soul。〃
〃Poh； nonsense！〃 said Mr。 Smooth…it…away； taking my arm and
leading me off； 〃these fellows ought to be indicted for a libel。
If the law stood as it once did in Vanity Fair we should see them
grinning through the iron bars of the prison window。〃
This incident made a considerable impression on my mind； and
contributed with other circums