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It is like lighting a candle for the sake of lighting it； over and
over again； and each time blowing it out。 That； no doubt； must be
very amusing to children playing with the matches； but not to people
who love warm light； and want it in order to do fine and honourable
things together。 We had achievedI give the ugly phrase that
expresses the increasing discolouration in my mind〃illicit
intercourse。〃 To end at that； we now perceived； wasn't in our
style。 But where were we to end？ 。 。 。
Perhaps we might at this stage have given it up。 I think if we
could have seen ahead and around us we might have done so。 But the
glow of our cell blinded us。 。 。 。 I wonder what might have
happened if at that time we had given it up。 。 。 。 We propounded
it； we met again in secret to discuss it； and our overpowering
passion for one another reduced that meeting to absurdity。 。 。 。
Presently the idea of children crept between us。 It came in from
all our conceptions of life and public service； it was； we found； in
the quality of our minds that physical love without children is a
little weak； timorous； more than a little shameful。 With
imaginative people there very speedily comes a time when that
realisation is inevitable。 We hadn't thought of that beforeit
isn't natural to think of that before。 We hadn't known。 There is
no literature in English dealing with such things。
There is a necessary sequence of phases in love。 These came in
their order； and with them； unanticipated tarnishings on the first
bright perfection of our relations。 For a time these developing
phases were no more than a secret and private trouble between us；
little shadows spreading by imperceptible degrees across that vivid
and luminous cell。
8
The Handitch election flung me suddenly into prominence。
It is still only two years since that struggle； and I will not
trouble the reader with a detailed history of events that must be
quite sufficiently present in his mind for my purpose already。 Huge
stacks of journalism have dealt with Handitch and its significance。
For the reader very probably； as for most people outside a
comparatively small circle； it meant my emergence from obscurity。
We obtruded no editor's name in the BLUE WEEKLY； I had never as yet
been on the London hoardings。 Before Handitch I was a journalist
and writer of no great public standing； after Handitch； I was
definitely a person； in the little group of persons who stood for
the Young Imperialist movement。 Handitch was； to a very large
extent； my affair。 I realised then； as a man comes to do； how much
one can still grow after seven and twenty。 In the second election I
was a man taking hold of things； at Kinghamstead I had been simply a
young candidate； a party unit； led about the constituency； told to
do this and that； and finally washed in by the great Anti…
Imperialist flood； like a starfish rolling up a beach。
My feminist views had earnt the mistrust of the party； and I do not
think I should have got the chance of Handitch or indeed any chance
at all of Parliament for a long time； if it had not been that the
seat with its long record of Liberal victories and its Liberal
majority of 3642 at the last election； offered a hopeless contest。
The Liberal dissensions and the belated but by no means contemptible
Socialist candidate were providential interpositions。 I think；
however； the conduct of Gane； Crupp； and Tarvrille in coming down to
fight for me； did count tremendously in my favour。 〃We aren't going
to win； perhaps；〃 said Crupp； 〃but we are going to talk。〃 And until
the very eve of victory； we treated Handitch not so much as a
battlefield as a hoarding。 And so it was the Endowment of
Motherhood as a practical form of Eugenics got into English
politics。
Plutus； our agent； was scared out of his wits when the thing began。
〃They're ascribing all sorts of queer ideas to you about the
Family；〃 he said。
〃I think the Family exists for the good of the children；〃 I said；
〃is that queer？〃
〃Not when you explain itbut they won't let you explain it。 And
about marriage？〃
〃I'm all right about marriagetrust me。〃
〃Of course； if YOU had children；〃 said Plutus； rather
inconsiderately。 。 。 。
They opened fire upon me in a little electioneering rag call the
HANDITCH SENTINEL； with a string of garbled quotations and
misrepresentations that gave me an admirable text for a speech。 I
spoke for an hour and ten minutes with a more and more crumpled copy
of the SENTINEL in my hand； and I made the fullest and completest
exposition of the idea of endowing motherhood that I think had ever
been made up to that time in England。 Its effect on the press was
extraordinary。 The Liberal papers gave me quite unprecedented space
under the impression that I had only to be given rope to hang
myself； the Conservatives cut me down or tried to justify me； the
whole country was talking。 I had had a pamphlet in type upon the
subject； and I revised this carefully and put it on the book…stalls
within three days。 It sold enormously and brought me bushels of
letters。 We issued over three thousand in Handitch alone。 At
meeting after meeting I was heckled upon nothing else。 Long before
polling day Plutus was converted。
〃It's catching on like old age pensions；〃 he said。 〃We've dished
the Liberals！ To think that such a project should come from our
side！〃
But it was only with the declaration of the poll that my battle was
won。 No one expected more than a snatch victory； and I was in by
over fifteen hundred。 At one bound Cossington's papers passed from
apologetics varied by repudiation to triumphant praise。 〃A
renascent England； breeding men；〃 said the leader in his chief daily
on the morning after the polling； and claimed that the Conservatives
had been ever the pioneers in sanely bold constructive projects。
I came up to London with a weary but rejoicing Margaret by the night
train。
CHAPTER THE SECOND
THE IMPOSSIBLE POSITION
1
To any one who did not know of that glowing secret between Isabel
and myself； I might well have appeared at that time the most
successful and enviable of men。 I had recovered rapidly from an
uncongenial start in political life； I had become a considerable
force through the BLUE WEEKLY； and was shaping an increasingly
influential body of opinion； I had re…entered Parliament with quite
dramatic distinction； and in spite of a certain faltering on the
part of the orthodox Conservatives towards the bolder elements in
our propaganda； I had loyal and unenvious associates who were making
me a power in the party。 People were coming to our group；
understandings were developing。 It was clear we should play a
prominent part in the next general election； and that； given a
Conservative victory； I should be assured of office。 The world
opened out to me brightly and invitingly。 Great schemes took shape
in my mind； always more concrete； always more practicable； the years
ahead seemed falling into order； shining with the credible promise
of immense achievement。
And at the heart of it all； unseen and unsuspected； was the secret
of my relations with Isabellike a seed that germinates and
thrusts； thrusts relentlessly。
From the onset of the Handitch contest onward； my meetings with her
had been more and more pervaded by the discussion of our situation。
It had innumerable aspects。 It was very present to us that we
wanted to be together as much as possiblewe were beginning to long
very much for actual living together in the same house； so that one
could come as it were carelesslyunawaresupon the other； busy
perhaps about some trivial thing。 We wanted to feel each other in
the daily atmosphere。 Preceding our imperatively steri