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room between those cyclamens and the cabinet。 There were little
gold fishermen on the cabinet fishing from little islands that each
had a pagoda and a tree； and there were also men in boats or
something； I couldn't determine what； and some obscure sub…office in
my mind concerned itself with that quite intently。 Yet I seem to
have been striving with all my being to get words for the truth of
things。 〃You see；〃 I emerged； 〃you make everything possible to me。
You can give me help and sympathy； support； understanding。 You know
my political ambitions。 You know all that I might do in the world。
I do so intensely want to do constructive things； big things
perhaps； in this wild jumble。 。 。 。 Only you don't know a bit what
I am。 I want to tell you what I am。 I'm complex。 。 。 。 I'm
streaked。〃
I glanced at her； and she was regarding me with an expression of
blissful disregard for any meaning I was seeking to convey。
〃You see；〃 I said； 〃I'm a bad man。〃
She sounded a note of valiant incredulity。
Everything seemed to be slipping away from me。 I pushed on to the
ugly facts that remained over from the wreck of my interpretation。
〃What has held me back；〃 I said； 〃is the thought that you could not
possibly understand certain things in my life。 Men are not pure as
women are。 I have had love affairs。 I mean I have had affairs。
Passiondesire。 You see； I have had a mistress； I have been
entangled〃
She seemed about to speak； but I interrupted。 〃I'm not telling
you；〃 I said； 〃what I meant to tell you。 I want you to know clearly
that there is another side to my life； a dirty side。 Deliberately I
say； dirty。 It didn't seem so at first〃
I stopped blankly。 〃Dirty；〃 I thought； was the most idiotic choice
of words to have made。
I had never in any tolerable sense of the word been dirty。
〃I drifted into thisas men do；〃 I said after a little pause and
stopped again。
She was looking at me with her wide blue eyes。
〃Did you imagine；〃 she began； 〃that I thought youthat I expected〃
〃But how can you know？〃
〃I know。 I do know。〃
〃But〃 I began。
〃I know；〃 she persisted； dropping her eyelids。 〃Of course I know；〃
and nothing could have convinced me more completely that she did not
know。
〃All men〃 she generalised。 〃A woman does not understand these
temptations。〃
I was astonished beyond measure at her way of taking my confession。
。 。 。
〃Of course；〃 she said； hesitating a little over a transparent
difficulty； 〃it is all over and past。〃
〃It's all over and past；〃 I answered。
There was a little pause。
〃I don't want to know；〃 she said。 〃None of that seems to matter now
in the slightest degree。〃
She looked up and smiled as though we had exchanged some acceptable
commonplaces。 〃Poor dear！〃 she said； dismissing everything； and put
out her arms； and it seemed to me that I could hear the Lettish girl
in the backgrounddoomed safety valve of purity in this intolerable
worldtelling something in indistinguishable GermanI know not
what nor why。 。 。 。
I took Margaret in my arms and kissed her。 Her eyes were wet with
tears。 She clung to me and was near； I felt； to sobbing。
〃I have loved you；〃 she whispered presently； 〃Oh！ ever since we met
in Mistertonsix years and more ago。〃
CHAPTER THE THIRD
MARGARET IN VENICE
1
There comes into my mind a confused memory of conversations with
Margaret； we must have had dozens altogether； and they mix in now
for the most part inextricably not only with one another； but with
later talks and with things we discussed at Pangbourne。 We had the
immensest anticipations of the years and opportunities that lay
before us。 I was now very deeply in love with her indeed。 I felt
not that I had cleaned up my life but that she had。 We called each
other 〃confederate〃 I remember； and made during our brief engagement
a series of visits to the various legislative bodies in London； the
County Council； the House of Commons； where we dined with Villiers；
and the St。 Pancras Vestry； where we heard Shaw speaking。 I was
full of plans and so was she of the way in which we were to live and
work。 We were to pay back in public service whatever excess of
wealth beyond his merits old Seddon's economic advantage had won for
him from the toiling people in the potteries。 The end of the Boer
War was so recent that that blessed word 〃efficiency〃 echoed still
in people's minds and thoughts。 Lord Roseberry in a memorable
oration had put it into the heads of the big outer public； but the
Baileys with a certain show of justice claimed to have set it going
in the channels that took it to himif as a matter of fact it was
taken to him。 But then it was their habit to make claims of that
sort。 They certainly did their share to keep 〃efficient〃 going。
Altiora's highest praise was 〃thoroughly efficient。〃 We were to be
a 〃thoroughly efficient〃 political couple of the 〃new type。〃 She
explained us to herself and Oscar； she explained us to ourselves；
she explained us to the people who came to her dinners and
afternoons until the world was highly charged with explanation and
expectation； and the proposal that I should be the Liberal candidate
for the Kinghamstead Division seemed the most natural development in
the world。
I was full of the ideal of hard restrained living and relentless
activity； and throughout a beautiful November at Venice； where
chiefly we spent our honeymoon； we turned over and over again and
discussed in every aspect our conception of a life tremendously
focussed upon the ideal of social service。
Most clearly there stands out a picture of ourselves talking in a
gondola on our way to Torcella。 Far away behind us the smoke of
Murano forms a black stain upon an immense shining prospect of
smooth water； water as unruffled and luminous as the sky above； a
mirror on which rows of posts and distant black high…stemmed； swan…
necked boats with their minutely clear swinging gondoliers； float
aerially。 Remote and low before us rises the little tower of our
destination。 Our men swing together and their oars swirl leisurely
through the water； hump back in the rowlocks； splash sharply and go
swishing back again。 Margaret lies back on cushions； with her face
shaded by a holland parasol； and I sit up beside her。
〃You see；〃 I say； and in spite of Margaret's note of perfect
acquiescence I feel myself reasoning against an indefinable
antagonism； 〃it is so easy to fall into a slack way with life。
There may seem to be something priggish in a meticulous discipline；
but otherwise it is so easy to slip into indolent habitsand to be
distracted from one's purpose。 The country； the world； wants men to
serve its constructive needs； to work out and carry out plans。 For
a man who has to make a living the enemy is immediate necessity； for
people like ourselves it'sit's the constant small opportunity of
agreeable things。〃
〃Frittering away；〃 she says； 〃time and strength。〃
〃That is what I feel。 It's so pleasant to pretend one is simply
modest； it looks so foolish at times to take one's self too
seriously。 We've GOT to take ourselves seriously。〃
She endorses my words with her eyes。
〃I feel I can do great things with life。〃
〃I KNOW you can。〃
〃But that's only to be done by concentrating one's life upon one
main end。 We have to plan our days； to make everything subserve our
scheme。〃
〃I feel；〃 she answers softly； 〃we ought to giveevery hour。〃
Her face becomes dreamy。 〃I WANT to give every hour；〃 she adds。
2
That holiday in Venice is set in my memory like a little artificial
lake in uneven confused country； as something very bright and
skylike； and discontinuous with all about it。 The faded quality o