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swords were broken； sweeping the splendid curves of the Imperial
Road into heaps of ruins； casting the jungle growth of Zululand into
the fire。
Well； Master Dick；〃 the voice of this cosmic calamity would say；
〃you ought to have put them away last night。 No！ I can't wait until
you've sailed them all away in ships。 I got my work to do； and do
it I will。〃
And in no time all my continents and lands were swirling water and
swiping strokes of house…flannel。
That was the worst of my giant visitants； but my mother too； dear
lady； was something of a terror to this microcosm。 She wore spring…
sided boots； a kind of boot now vanished； I believe； from the world；
with dull bodies and shiny toes； and a silk dress with flounces that
were very destructive to the more hazardous viaducts of the Imperial
Road。 She was always； I seem to remember； fetching me； fetching me
for a meal； fetching me for a walk or； detestable absurdity！
fetching me for a wash and brush up； and she never seemed to
understand anything whatever of the political Systems across which
she came to me。 Also she forbade all toys on Sundays except the
bricks for church…building and the soldiers for church parade； or a
Scriptural use of the remains of the Noah's Ark mixed up with a
wooden Swiss dairy farm。 But she really did not know whether a
thing was a church or not unless it positively bristled with cannon；
and many a Sunday afternoon have I played Chicago （with the fear of
God in my heart） under an infidel pretence that it was a new sort of
ark rather elaborately done。
Chicago； I must explain； was based upon my father's description of
the pig slaughterings in that city and certain pictures I had seen。
You made your beastswhich were all the ark lot really；
provisionally conceived as pigsgo up elaborate approaches to a
central pen； from which they went down a cardboard slide four at a
time； and dropped most satisfyingly down a brick shaft； and pitter…
litter over some steep steps to where a head slaughterman （ne Noah）
strung a cotton loop round their legs and sent them by pin hooks
along a wire to a second slaughterman with a chipped foot （formerly
Mrs。 Noah） who； if I remember rightly； converted them into Army
sausage by means of a portion of the inside of an old alarum clock。
My mother did not understand my games； but my father did。 He wore
bright…coloured socks and carpet slippers when he was indoorsmy
mother disliked boots in the houseand he would sit down on my
little chair and survey the microcosm on the floor with admirable
understanding and sympathy。
It was he gave me most of my toys and； I more than suspect； most of
my ideas。 〃Here's some corrugated iron；〃 he would say； 〃suitable
for roofs and fencing；〃 and hand me a lump of that stiff crinkled
paper that is used for packing medicine bottles。 Or； 〃Dick； do you
see the tiger loose near the Imperial Road？won't do for your
cattle ranch。〃 And I would find a bright new lead tiger like a
special creation at large in the world； and demanding a hunting
expedition and much elaborate effort to get him safely housed in the
city menagerie beside the captured dragon crocodile； tamed now； and
his key lost and the heart and spring gone out of him。
And to the various irregular reading of my father I owe the
inestimable blessing of never having a boy's book in my boyhood
except those of Jules Verne。 But my father used to get books for
himself and me from the Bromstead Institute； Fenimore Cooper and
Mayne Reid and illustrated histories； one of the Russo…Turkish war
and one of Napier's expedition to Abyssinia I read from end to end；
Stanley and Livingstone； lives of Wellington； Napoleon and
Garibaldi； and back volumes of PUNCH； from which I derived
conceptions of foreign and domestic politics it has taken years of
adult reflection to correct。 And at home permanently we had Wood's
NATURAL HISTORY； a brand…new illustrated Green's HISTORY OF THE
ENGLISH PEOPLE； Irving's COMPANIONS OF COLUMBUS； a great number of
unbound parts of some geographical work； a VOYAGE ROUND THE WORLD I
think it was called； with pictures of foreign places； and Clarke's
NEW TESTAMENT with a map of Palestine； and a variety of other
informing books bought at sales。 There was a Sowerby's BOTANY also；
with thousands of carefully tinted pictures of British plants； and
one or two other important works in the sitting…room。 I was allowed
to turn these over and even lie on the floor with them on Sundays
and other occasions of exceptional cleanliness。
And in the attic I found one day a very old forgotten map after the
fashion of a bird's…eye view； representing the Crimea； that
fascinated me and kept me for hours navigating its waters with a
pin。
2
My father was a lank…limbed man in easy shabby tweed clothes and
with his hands in his trouser pockets。 He was a science teacher；
taking a number of classes at the Bromstead Institute in Kent under
the old Science and Art Department； and 〃visiting〃 various schools；
and our resources were eked out by my mother's income of nearly a
hundred pounds a year； and by his inheritance of a terrace of three
palatial but structurally unsound stucco houses near Bromstead
Station。
They were big clumsy residences in the earliest Victorian style；
interminably high and with deep damp basements and downstairs
coal…cellars and kitchens that suggested an architect
vindictively devoted to the discomfort of the servant class。 If so；
he had overreached himself and defeated his end； for no servant
would stay in them unless for exceptional wages or exceptional
tolerance of inefficiency or exceptional freedom in repartee。 Every
storey in the house was from twelve to fifteen feet high （which
would have been cool and pleasant in a hot climate）； and the stairs
went steeply up； to end at last in attics too inaccessible for
occupation。 The ceilings had vast plaster cornices of classical
design； fragments of which would sometimes fall unexpectedly； and
the wall…papers were bold and gigantic in pattern and much
variegated by damp and ill…mended rents。
As my father was quite unable to let more than one of these houses
at a time； and that for the most part to eccentric and undesirable
tenants； he thought it politic to live in one of the two others； and
devote the rent he received from the let one； when it was let； to
the incessant necessary repairing of all three。 He also did some of
the repairing himself and； smoking a bull…dog pipe the while； which
my mother would not allow him to do in the house； he cultivated
vegetables in a sketchy； unpunctual and not always successful manner
in the unoccupied gardens。 The three houses faced north； and the
back of the one we occupied was covered by a grape…vine that
yielded； I remember； small green grapes for pies in the spring； and
imperfectly ripe black grapes in favourable autumns for the purposes
of dessert。 The grape…vine played an important part in my life； for
my father broke his neck while he was pruning it； when I was
thirteen。
My father was what is called a man of ideas； but they were not
always good ideas。 My grandfather had been a private schoolmaster
and one of the founders of the College of Preceptors； and my father
had assisted him in his school until increasing competition and
diminishing attendance had made it evident that the days of small
private schools kept by unqualified persons were numbered。
Thereupon my father had roused himself and had qualified as a
science teacher under the Science and Art Department； which in these
days had charge of the scientific and artistic education of the mass
of the English population； and had thrown himself into science
teaching and the earning of government grants therefor with great if
transitory zeal and success。