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starts and we raced up and down the middle garden path。 Then； a
little breathless； we went into the new twenty…five guinea summer…
house at the end of the herbaceous border。
We sat side by side； pleasantly hidden from the house； and she
became anxious about her hair； which was slightly and prettily
disarranged； and asked me to help her with the adjustment of a
hairpin。 I had never in my life been so near the soft curly hair
and the dainty eyebrow and eyelid and warm soft cheek of a girl； and
I was stirred
It stirs me now to recall it。
I became a battleground of impulses and inhibitions。
〃Thank you；〃 said my cousin； and moved a little away from me。
She began to talk about friendship； and lost her thread and forgot
the little electric stress between us in a rather meandering
analysis of her principal girl friends。
But afterwards she resumed her purpose。
I went to bed that night with one propostion overshadowing
everything else in my mind； namely； that kissing my cousin Sybil was
a difficult； but not impossible； achievement。 I do not recall any
shadow of a doubt whether on the whole it was worth doing。 The
thing had come into my existence； disturbing and interrupting its
flow exactly as a fever does。 Sybil had infected me with herself。
The next day matters came to a crisis in the little upstairs
sitting…room which had been assigned me as a study during my visit。
I was working up there； or rather trying to work in spite of the
outrageous capering of some very primitive elements in my brain；
when she came up to me； under a transparent pretext of looking for a
book。
I turned round and then got up at the sight of her。 I quite forget
what our conversation was about； but I know she led me to believe I
might kiss her。 Then when I attempted to do so she averted her
face。
〃How COULD you？〃 she said； 〃I didn't mean that！〃
That remained the state of our relations for two days。 I developed
a growing irritation with and resentment against cousin Sybil；
combined with an intense desire to get that kiss for which I
hungered and thirsted。 Cousin Sybil went about in the happy
persuasion that I was madly in love with her； and her game； so far
as she was concerned； was played and won。 It wasn't until I had
fretted for two days that I realised that I was being used for the
commonest form of excitement possible to a commonplace girl； that
dozens perhaps of young men had played the part of Tantalus at
cousin Sybil's lips。 I walked about my room at nights； damning her
and calling her by terms which on the whole she rather deserved；
while Sybil went to sleep pitying 〃poor old Dick！〃
〃Damn it！〃 I said； 〃I WILL be equal with you。〃
But I never did equalise the disadvantage； and perhaps it's as well；
for I fancy that sort of revenge cuts both people too much for a
rational man to seek it。 。 。 。
〃Why are men so silly？〃 said cousin Sybil next morning； wriggling
back with down…bent head to release herself from what should have
been a compelling embrace。
〃Confound it！〃 I said with a flash of clear vision。 〃You STARTED
this game。〃
〃Oh！〃
She stood back against a hedge of roses； a little flushed and
excited and interested； and ready for the delightful defensive if I
should renew my attack。
〃Beastly hot for scuffling；〃 I said； white with anger。 〃I don't
know whether I'm so keen on kissing you； Sybil； after all。 I just
thought you wanted me to。〃
I could have whipped her； and my voice stung more than my words。
Our eyes met； a real hatred in hers leaping up to meet mine。
〃Let's play tennis；〃 I said； after a moment's pause。
〃No；〃 she answered shortly； 〃I'm going indoors。〃
〃Very well。〃
And that ended the affair with Sybil。
I was still in the full glare of this disillusionment when Gertrude
awoke from some preoccupation to an interest in my existence。 She
developed a disposition to touch my hand by accident； and let her
fingers rest in contact with it for a moment；she had pleasant soft
hands；she began to drift into summer houses with me； to let her
arm rest trustfully against mine； to ask questions about Cambridge。
They were much the same questions that Sybil had asked。 But I
controlled myself and maintained a profile of intelligent and
entirely civil indifference to her blandishments。
What Gertrude made of it came out one evening in some talkI forget
about whatwith Sybil。
〃Oh； Dick！〃 said Gertrude a little impatiently； 〃Dick's Pi。〃
And I never disillusioned her by any subsequent levity from this
theory of my innate and virginal piety。
6
It was against this harsh and crude Staffordshire background that I
think I must have seen Margaret for the first time。 I say I think
because it is quite possible that we had passed each other in the
streets of Cambridge； no doubt with that affectation of mutual
disregard which was once customary between undergraduates and
Newnham girls。 But if that was so I had noted nothing of the
slender graciousness that shone out so pleasingly against the
bleaker midland surroundings。
She was a younger schoolfellow of my cousins'； and the step…daughter
of Seddon； a prominent solicitor of Burslem。 She was not only not
in my cousins' generation but not in their set； she was one of a
small hardworking group who kept immaculate note…books； and did as
much as is humanly possible of that insensate pile of written work
that the Girls' Public School movement has inflicted upon school…
girls。 She really learnt French and German admirably and
thoroughly； she got as far in mathematics as an unflinching industry
can carry any one with no great natural aptitude； and she went up to
Bennett Hall； Newnham； after the usual conflict with her family； to
work for the History Tripos。
There in her third year she made herself thoroughly ill through
overwork； so ill that she had to give up Newnham altogether and go
abroad with her stepmother。 She made herself ill； as so many girls
do in those university colleges； through the badness of her home and
school training。 She thought study must needs be a hard straining
of the mind。 She worried her work； she gave herself no leisure to
see it as a whole； she felt herself not making headway and she cut
her games and exercise in order to increase her hours of toil； and
worked into the night。 She carried a knack of laborious
thoroughness into the blind alleys and inessentials of her subject。
It didn't need the badness of the food for which Bennett Hall is
celebrated and the remarkable dietary of nocturnal cocoa； cakes and
soft biscuits with which the girls have supplemented it； to ensure
her collapse。 Her mother brought her home； fretting and distressed；
and then finding her hopelessly unhappy at home； took her and her
half…brother； a rather ailing youngster of ten who died three years
later； for a journey to Italy。
Italy did much to assuage Margaret's chagrin。 I think all three of
them had a very good time there。 At home Mr。 Seddon； her step…
father； played the part of a well…meaning blight by reason of the
moods that arose from nervous dyspepsia。 They went to Florence；
equipped with various introductions and much sound advice from
sympathetic Cambridge friends； and having acquired an ease in Italy
there； went on to Siena； Orvieto； and at last Rome。 They returned；
if I remember rightly； by Pisa； Genoa； Milan and Paris。 Six months
or more they had had abroad； and now Margaret was back in Burslem；
in health again and consciously a very civilised person。
New ideas were abroad； it was Maytime and a spring of abundant
flowersdaffodils were particularly good that yearand Mrs。 Seddon
celebrated her return by giving an afternoon reception at short
notice； with the clear intention of lettin