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a thing in a net。 I knew so little and I felt so much。 There was
indeed no Aphrodite at all in my youthful Pantheon； but instead
there was a mysterious and minatory gap。 I have told how at last a
new Venus was born in my imagination out of gas lamps and the
twilight； a Venus with a cockney accent and dark eyes shining out of
the dusk； a Venus who was a warm； passion…stirring atmosphere rather
than incarnate in a body。 And I have told； too； how I bought a
picture。
All this was a thing apart from the rest of my life； a locked
avoided chamber。 。 。 。
It was not until my last year at Trinity that I really broke down
the barriers of this unwholesome silence and brought my secret
broodings to the light of day。 Then a little set of us plunged
suddenly into what we called at first sociological discussion。 I
can still recall even the physical feeling of those first tentative
talks。 I remember them mostly as occurring in the rooms of Ted
Hatherleigh； who kept at the corner by the Trinity great gate； but
we also used to talk a good deal at a man's in King's； a man named；
if I remember rightly； Redmayne。 The atmosphere of Hatherleigh's
rooms was a haze of tobacco smoke against a background brown and
deep。 He professed himself a socialist with anarchistic leanings
he had suffered the martyrdom of ducking for itand a huge French
May…day poster displaying a splendid proletarian in red and black on
a barricade against a flaring orange sky； dominated his decorations。
Hatherleigh affected a fine untidiness； and all the place； even the
floor； was littered with books； for the most part open and face
downward； deeper darknesses were supplied by a discarded gown and
our caps； all conscientiously battered； Hatherleigh's flopped like
an elephant's ear and inserted quill pens supported the corners of
mine； the highlights of the picture came chiefly as reflections from
his chequered blue mugs full of audit ale。 We sat on oak chairs；
except the four or five who crowded on a capacious settle； we drank
a lot of beer and were often fuddled； and occasionally quite drunk；
and we all smoked reckless…looking pipes；there was a transient
fashion among us for corn cobs for which Mark Twain； I think； was
responsible。 Our little excesses with liquor were due far more to
conscience than appetite； indicated chiefly a resolve to break away
from restraints that we suspected were keeping us off the
instructive knife…edges of life。 Hatherleigh was a good Englishman
of the premature type with a red face； a lot of hair； a deep voice
and an explosive plunging manner； and it was he who said one
eveningHeaven knows how we got to it〃 Look here； you know； it's
all Rot； this Shutting Up about Women。 We OUGHT to talk about them。
What are we going to do about them？ It's got to come。 We're all
festering inside about it。 Let's out with it。 There's too much
Decency altogether about this Infernal University！〃
We rose to his challenge a little awkwardly and our first talk was
clumsy； there were flushed faces and red ears； and I remember
Hatherleigh broke out into a monologue on decency。 〃Modesty and
Decency；〃 said Hatherleigh； 〃are Oriental vices。 The Jews brought
them to Europe。 They're Semitic； just like our monasticism here and
the seclusion of women and mutilating the dead on a battlefield。
And all that sort of thing。〃
Hatherleigh's mind progressed by huge leaps； leaps that were usually
wildly inaccurate； and for a time we engaged hotly upon the topic of
those alleged mutilations and the Semitic responsibility for
decency。 Hatherleigh tried hard to saddle the Semitic race with the
less elegant war customs of the Soudan and the northwest frontier of
India； and quoted Doughty； at that time a little…known author； and
Cunninghame Graham to show that the Arab was worse than a county…
town spinster in his regard for respectability。 But his case was
too preposterous； and Esmeer； with his shrill penetrating voice and
his way of pointing with all four long fingers flat together；
carried the point against him。 He quoted Cato and Roman law and the
monasteries of Thibet。
〃Well； anyway；〃 said Hatherleigh； escaping from our hands like an
intellectual frog； 〃Semitic or not； I've got no use for decency。〃
We argued points and Hatherleigh professed an unusually balanced and
tolerating attitude。 〃I don't mind a certain refinement and
dignity；〃 he admitted generously。 〃What I object to is this
spreading out of decency until it darkens the whole sky； until it
makes a man's father afraid to speak of the most important things；
until it makes a man afraid to look a frank book in the face or
thinkeven think！ until it leads to our coming toto the business
at last with nothing but a few prohibitions； a few hints； a lot of
dirty jokes and； and 〃he waved a hand and seemed to seek and catch
his image in the air〃 oh； a confounded buttered slide of
sentiment； to guide us。 I tell you I'm going to think about it and
talk about it until I see a little more daylight than I do at
present。 I'm twenty…two。 Things might happen to me anywhen。 You
men can go out into the world if you like； to sin like fools and
marry like fools； not knowing what you are doing and ashamed to ask。
You'll take the consequences； too； I expect； pretty meekly；
sniggering a bit； sentimentalising a bit； likelike Cambridge
humorists。 。 。 。 I mean to know what I'm doing。〃
He paused to drink； and I think I cut in with ideas of my own。 But
one is apt to forget one's own share in a talk； I find； more than
one does the clear…cut objectivity of other people's； and I do not
know how far I contributed to this discussion that followed。 I am；
however； pretty certain that it was then that ideal that we were
pleased to call aristocracy and which soon became the common
property of our set was developed。 It was Esmeer； I know； who laid
down and maintained the proposition that so far as minds went there
were really only two sorts of man in the world； the aristocrat and
the man who subdues his mind to other people's。
〃'I couldn't THINK of it； Sir；'〃 said Esmeer in his elucidatory
tones； 〃that's what a servant says。 His mind even is broken in to
run between fences； and he admits it。 WE'VE got to he able to think
of anything。 And 'such things aren't for the Likes of Us！' That's
another servant's saying。 Well； everything IS for the Likes of Us。
If we see fit； that is。〃
A small fresh…coloured man in grey objected。
〃Well；〃 exploded Hatherleigh； 〃if that isn't so what the deuce are
we up here for？ Instead of working in mines？ If some things aren't
to be thought about ever！ We've got the privilege of all these
extra years for getting things straight in our heads； and then we
won't use 'em。 Good God！ what do you think a university's for？〃 。 。 。
Esmeer's idea came with an effect of real emancipation to several of
us。 We were not going to be afraid of ideas any longer； we were
going to throw down every barrier of prohibition and take them in
and see what came of it。 We became for a time even intemperately
experimental； and one of us； at the bare suggestion of an eminent
psychic investigator； took hashish and very nearly died of it within
a fortnight of our great elucidation。
The chief matter of our interchanges was of course the discussion of
sex。 Once the theme had been opened it became a sore place in our
intercourse； none of us seemed able to keep away from it。 Our
imaginations got astir with it。 We made up for lost time and went
round it and through it and over it exhaustively。 I recall
prolonged discussion of polygamy on the way to Royston； muddy
November tramps to Madingley； when amidst much profanity from
Hatherleigh at the serious treatment of so obsolete a matter； we
weighed the reasons； if any； for the inst