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look round； what he took for a mere indisposition has already
become more important to him than anything else in the world it
is death！
That is what happened to me。 I understood that it was no
casual indisposition but something very important； and that if
these questions constantly repeated themselves they would have to
be answered。 And I tried to answer them。 The questions seemed
such stupid； simple； childish ones； but as soon as I touched them
and tried to solve them I at once became convinced； first； that
they are not childish and stupid but the most important and
profound of life's questions； and secondly that； occupying myself
with my Samara estate； the education of my son； or the writing of
a book； I had to know *why* I was doing it。 As long as I did not
know why； I could do nothing and could not live。 Amid the thoughts
of estate management which greatly occupied me at that time； the
question would suddenly occur： 〃Well； you will have 6；000
desyatinas ＇Footnote： The desyatina is about 2。75 acres。A。M。＇ of
land in Samara Government and 300 horses； and what then？〃 。。。 And
I was quite disconcerted and did not know what to think。 Or when
considering plans for the education of my children； I would say to
myself： 〃What for？〃 Or when considering how the peasants might
become prosperous； I would suddenly say to myself： 〃But what does
it matter to me？〃 Or when thinking of the fame my works would
bring me； I would say to myself； 〃Very well； you will be more
famous than Gogol or Pushkin or Shakespeare or Moliere； or than all
the writers in the world and what of it？〃 And I could find no
reply at all。 The questions would not wait； they had to be
answered at once； and if I did not answer them it was impossible to
live。 But there was no answer。
I felt that what I had been standing on had collapsed and that
I had nothing left under my feet。 What I had lived on no longer
existed； and there was nothing left。
IV
My life came to a standstill。 I could breathe； eat； drink；
and sleep； and I could not help doing these things； but there was
no life； for there were no wishes the fulfillment of which I could
consider reasonable。 If I desired anything； I knew in advance that
whether I satisfied my desire or not； nothing would come of it。
Had a fairy come and offered to fulfil my desires I should not have
know what to ask。 If in moments of intoxication I felt something
which； though not a wish； was a habit left by former wishes； in
sober moments I knew this to be a delusion and that there was
really nothing to wish for。 I could not even wish to know the
truth； for I guessed of what it consisted。 The truth was that life
is meaningless。 I had as it were lived； lived； and walked； walked；
till I had come to a precipice and saw clearly that there was
nothing ahead of me but destruction。 It was impossible to stop；
impossible to go back； and impossible to close my eyes or avoid
seeing that there was nothing ahead but suffering and real death
complete annihilation。
It had come to this； that I； a healthy； fortunate man； felt I
could no longer live： some irresistible power impelled me to rid
myself one way or other of life。 I cannot say I *wished* to kill
myself。 The power which drew me away from life was stronger；
fuller； and more widespread than any mere wish。 It was a force
similar to the former striving to live； only in a contrary
direction。 All my strength drew me away from life。 The thought of
self…destruction now came to me as naturally as thoughts of how to
improve my life had come formerly。 and it was seductive that I had
to be cunning with myself lest I should carry it out too hastily。
I did not wish to hurry； because I wanted to use all efforts to
disentangle the matter。 〃If I cannot unravel matters； there will
always be time。〃 and it was then that I； a man favoured by
fortune； hid a cord from myself lest I should hang myself from the
crosspiece of the partition in my room where I undressed alone
every evening； and I ceased to go out shooting with a gun lest I
should be tempted by so easy a way of ending my life。 I did not
myself know what I wanted： I feared life； desired to escape from
it； yet still hoped something of it。
And all this befell me at a time when all around me I had what
is considered complete good fortune。 I was not yet fifty； I had a
good wife who lived me and whom I loved； good children； and a large
estate which without much effort on my part improved and increased。
I was respected by my relations and acquaintances more than at any
previous time。 I was praised by others and without much self…
deception could consider that my name was famous。 And far from
being insane or mentally diseased； I enjoyed on the contrary a
strength of mind and body such as I have seldom met with among men
of my kind； physically I could keep up with the peasants at mowing；
and mentally I could work for eight and ten hours at a stretch
without experiencing any ill results from such exertion。 And in
this situation I came to this that I could not live； and；
fearing death； had to employ cunning with myself to avoid taking my
own life。
My mental condition presented itself to me in this way： my
life is a stupid and spiteful joke someone has played on me。
Though I did not acknowledge a 〃someone〃 who created me； yet such
a presentation that someone had played an evil and stupid joke
on my by placing me in the world was the form of expression that
suggested itself most naturally to me。
Involuntarily it appeared to me that there； somewhere； was
someone who amused himself by watching how I lived for thirty or
forty years： learning； developing； maturing in body and mind； and
how； having with matured mental powers reached the summit of life
from which it all lay before me； I stood on that summit like an
arch…fool seeing clearly that there is nothing in life； and that
there has been and will be nothing。 And *he* was amused。 。。。
But whether that 〃someone〃 laughing at me existed or not； I
was none the better off。 I could give no reasonable meaning to any
single action or to my whole life。 I was only surprised that I
could have avoided understanding this from the very beginning it
has been so long known to all。 Today or tomorrow sickness and
death will come （they had come already） to those I love or to me；
nothing will remain but stench and worms。 Sooner or later my
affairs； whatever they may be； will be forgotten； and I shall not
exist。 Then why go on making any effort？ 。。。 How can man fail to
see this？ And how go on living？ That is what is surprising！ One
can only live while one is intoxicated with life； as soon as one is
sober it is impossible not to see that it is all a mere fraud and
a stupid fraud！ That is precisely what it is： there is nothing
either amusing or witty about it； it is simply cruel and stupid。
There is an Eastern fable； told long ago； of a traveller
overtaken on a plain by an enraged beast。 Escaping from the beast
he gets into a dry well； but sees at the bottom of the well a
dragon that has opened its jaws to swallow him。 And the
unfortunate man； not daring to climb out lest he should be
destroyed by the enraged beast； and not daring to leap to the
bottom of the well lest he should be eaten by the dragon； seizes s
twig growing in a crack in the well and clings to it。 His hands
are growing weaker and he feels he will soon have to resign himself
to the destruction that awaits him above or below； but still he
clings on。 Then he sees that two mice； a black one and a white
one； go regularly round and round the stem of the twig to which he
is clinging and gnaw at it。 And soon the twig itself will snap and
he will fall into the dragon's jaws。 The traveller sees this and
knows that he will inevitably perish； but while still hanging he
looks aroun