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who explained it all and explained it so that I never asked any one
any more about it。 I said that for every unbeliever turning to a
belief （and all our young generation are in a position to do so）
the question that presents itself first is； why is truth not in
Lutheranism nor in Catholicism； but in Orthodoxy？ Educated in the
high school he cannot help knowing what the peasants do not know
that the Protestants and Catholics equally affirm that their faith
is the only true one。 Historical evidence； twisted by each
religion in its own favour； is insufficient。 Is it not possible；
said I； to understand the teaching in a loftier way； so that from
its height the differences should disappear； as they do for one who
believes truly？ Can we not go further along a path like the one we
are following with the Old…Believers？ They emphasize the fact that
they have a differently shaped cross and different alleluias and a
different procession round the altar。 We reply： You believe in
the Nicene Creed； in the seven sacraments； and so do we。 Let us
hold to that； and in other matters do as you pease。 We have united
with them by placing the essentials of faith above the
unessentials。 Now with the Catholics can we not say： You believe
in so and so and in so and so； which are the chief things； and as
for the Filioque clause and the Pope do as you please。 Can we
not say the same to the Protestants； uniting with them in what is
most important？
My interlocutor agreed with my thoughts； but told me that such
conceptions would bring reproach o the spiritual authorities for
deserting the faith of our forefathers； and this would produce a
schism； and the vocation of the spiritual authorities is to
safeguard in all its purity the Greco…Russian Orthodox faith
inherited from our forefathers。
And I understood it all。 I am seeking a faith； the power of
life； and they are seeking the best way to fulfil in the eyes of
men certain human obligations。 and fulfilling these human affairs
they fulfil them in a human way。 However much they may talk of
their pity for their erring brethren； and of addressing prayers for
them to the throne of the Almighty to carry out human purposes
violence is necessary； and it has always been applied and is and
will be applied。 If of two religions each considers itself true
and the other false； then men desiring to attract others to the
truth will preach their own doctrine。 And if a false teaching is
preached to the inexperienced sons of their Church which as the
truth then that Church cannot but burn the books and remove the
man who is misleading its sons。 What is to be done with a
sectarian burning； in the opinion of the Orthodox； with the fire
of false doctrine who in the most important affair of life； in
faith； misleads the sons of the Church？ What can be done with him
except to cut off his head or to incarcerate him？ Under the Tsar
Alexis Mikhaylovich people were burned at the stake； that is to
say； the severest method of punishment of the time was applied； and
in our day also the severest method of punishment is applied
detention in solitary confinement。 ＇Footnote： At the time this
was written capital punishment was considered to be abolished in
Russia。 A。M。＇
The second relation of the Church to a question of life was
with regard to war and executions。
At that time Russia was at war。 And Russians； in the name of
Christian love； began to kill their fellow men。 It was impossible
not to think about this； and not to see that killing is an evil
repugnant to the first principles of any faith。 Yet prayers were
said in the churches for the success of our arms； and the teachers
of the Faith acknowledged killing to be an act resulting from the
Faith。 And besides the murders during the war； I saw； during the
disturbances which followed the war； Church dignitaries and
teachers and monks of the lesser and stricter orders who approved
the killing of helpless； erring youths。 And I took note of all
that is done by men who profess Christianity； and I was horrified。
XVI
And I ceased to doubt； and became fully convinced that not all
was true in the religion I had joined。 Formerly I should have said
that it was all false； but I could not say so now。 The whole of
the people possessed a knowledge of the truth； for otherwise they
could not have lived。 Moreover； that knowledge was accessible to
me； for I had felt it and had lived by it。 But I no longer doubted
that there was also falsehood in it。 And all that had previously
repelled me now presented itself vividly before me。 And though I
saw that among the peasants there was a smaller admixture of the
lies that repelled me than among the representatives of the
Church； I still saw that in the people's belief also falsehood was
mingled with the truth。
But where did the truth and where did the falsehood come from？
Both the falsehood and the truth were contained in the so…called
holy tradition and in the Scriptures。 Both the falsehood and the
truth had been handed down by what is called the Church。
And whether I liked or not； I was brought to the study and
investigation of these writings and traditions which till now I
had been so afraid to investigate。
And I turned to the examination of that same theology which I
had once rejected with such contempt as unnecessary。 Formerly it
seemed to me a series of unnecessary absurdities； when on all sides
I was surrounded by manifestations of life which seemed to me clear
and full of sense； now I should have been glad to throw away what
would not enter a health head； but I had nowhere to turn to。 On
this teaching religious doctrine rests； or at least with it the
only knowledge of the meaning of life that I have found is
inseparably connected。 However wild it may seem too my firm old
mind； it was the only hope of salvation。 It had to be carefully；
attentively examined in order to understand it； and not even to
understand it as I understand the propositions of science： I do
not seek that； nor can I seek it； knowing the special character of
religious knowledge。 I shall not seek the explanation of
everything。 I know that the explanation of everything； like the
commencement of everything； must be concealed in infinity。 But I
wish to understand in a way which will bring me to what is
inevitably inexplicable。 I wish to recognize anything that is
inexplicable as being so not because the demands of my reason are
wrong （they are right； and apart from them I can understand
nothing）； but because I recognize the limits of my intellect。 I
wish to understand in such a way that everything that is
inexplicable shall present itself to me as being necessarily
inexplicable； and not as being something I am under an arbitrary
obligation to believe。
That there is truth in the teaching is to me indubitable； but
it is also certain that there is falsehood in it； and I must find
what is true and what is false； and must disentangle the one from
the other。 I am setting to work upon this task。 What of falsehood
I have found in the teaching and what I have found of truth； and to
what conclusions I came； will form the following parts of this
work； which if it be worth it and if anyone wants it； will probably
some day be printed somewhere。
1879。
The foregoing was written by me some three years ago； and will
be printed。
Now a few days ago； when revising it and returning to the line
of thought and to the feelings I had when I was living through it
all； I had a dream。 This dream expressed in condensed form all
that I had experienced and described； and I think therefore that；
for those who have understood me； a description of this dream will
refresh and elucidate and unify what has been set forth at such
length in the foregoing pages。 The dream was this：
I saw that