按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
quite unnecessary gibberish； but now； if I did not understand them；
I yet knew that they had a meaning； and I said to myself that I
must learn to understand them。
I argued as follows； telling myself that the knowledge of
faith flows； like all humanity with its reason； from a mysterious
source。 That source is God； the origin both of the human body and
the human reason。 As my body has descended to me from God； so also
has my reason and my understanding of life； and consequently the
various stages of the development of that understanding of life
cannot be false。 All that people sincerely believe in must be
true； it may be differently expressed but it cannot be a lie； and
therefore if it presents itself to me as a lie； that only means
that I have not understood it。 Furthermore I said to myself； the
essence of every faith consists in its giving life a meaning which
death does not destroy。 Naturally for a faith to be able to reply
to the questions of a king dying in luxury； of an old slave
tormented by overwork； of an unreasoning child； of a wise old man；
of a half…witted old woman； of a young and happy wife； of a youth
tormented by passions； of all people in the most varied conditions
of life and education if there is one reply to the one eternal
question of life： 〃Why do I live and what will result from my
life？〃 the reply； though one in its essence； must be endlessly
varied in its presentation； and the more it is one； the more true
and profound it is； the more strange and deformed must it naturally
appear in its attempted expression； conformably to the education
and position of each person。 But this argument； justifying in my
eyes the queerness of much on the ritual side of religion； did not
suffice to allow me in the one great affair of life religion
to do things which seemed to me questionable。 With all my soul I
wished to be in a position to mingle with the people； fulfilling
the ritual side of their religion； but I could not do it。 I felt
that I should lie to myself and mock at what was sacred to me； were
I to do so。 At this point； however； our new Russian theological
writers came to my rescue。
According to the explanation these theologians gave； the
fundamental dogma of our faith is the infallibility of the Church。
From the admission of that dogma follows inevitably the truth of
all that is professed by the Church。 The Church as an assembly of
true believers united by love and therefore possessed of true
knowledge became the basis of my belief。 I told myself that divine
truth cannot be accessible to a separate individual； it is revealed
only to the whole assembly of people united by love。 To attain
truth one must not separate； and in order not to separate one must
love and must endure things one may not agree with。
Truth reveals itself to love； and if you do not submit to the
rites of the Church you transgress against love； and by
transgressing against love you deprive yourself of the possibility
of recognizing the truth。 I did not then see the sophistry
contained in this argument。 I did not see that union in love may
give the greatest love； but certainly cannot give us divine truth
expressed in the definite words of the Nicene Creed。 I also did
not perceive that love cannot make a certain expression of truth an
obligatory condition of union。 I did not then see these mistakes
in the argument and thanks to it was able to accept and perform all
the rites of the Orthodox Church without understanding most of
them。 I then tried with all strength of my soul to avoid all
arguments and contradictions； and tried to explain as reasonably as
possible the Church statements I encountered。
When fulfilling the rites of the Church I humbled my reason
and submitted to the tradition possessed by all humanity。 I united
myself with my forefathers： the father； mother； and grandparents I
loved。 They and all my predecessors believed and lived； and they
produced me。 I united myself also with the missions of the common
people whom I respected。 Moveover； those actions had nothing bad
in themselves （〃bad〃 I considered the indulgence of one's desires）。
When rising early for Church services I knew I was doing well； if
only because I was sacrificing my bodily ease to humble my mental
pride； for the sake of union with my ancestors and contemporaries；
and for the sake of finding the meaning of life。 It was the same
with my preparations to receive Communion； and with the daily
reading of prayers with genuflections； and also with the observance
of all the fasts。 However insignificant these sacrifices might be
I made them for the sake of something good。 I fasted； prepared for
Communion； and observed the fixed hours of prayer at home and in
church。 During Church service I attended to every word； and gave
them a meaning whenever I could。 In the Mass the most important
words for me were： 〃Let us love one another in conformity！〃 The
further words； 〃In unity we believe in the Father； the Son； and
Holy Ghost〃； I passed by； because I could not understand them。
XIV
In was then so necessary for me to believe in order to live
that I unconsciously concealed from myself the contradictions and
obscurities of theology。 but this reading of meanings into the
rites had its limits。 If the chief words in the prayer for the
Emperor became more and more clear to me； if I found some
explanation for the words 〃and remembering our Sovereign Most…Holy
Mother of God and all the Saints； ourselves and one another； we
give our whole life to Christ our God〃； if I explained to myself
the frequent repetition of prayers for the Tsar and his relations
by the fact that they are more exposed to temptations than other
people and therefore are more in need of being prayed for the
prayers about subduing our enemies and evil under our feet （even if
one tried to say that *sin* was the enemy prayed against）； these
and other prayers； such as the 〃cherubic song〃 and the whole
sacrament of oblation； or 〃the chosen Warriors〃； etc。 quite two…
thirds of all the services either remained completely
incomprehensible or； when I forced an explanation into them； made
me feel that I was lying； thereby quite destroying my relation to
God and depriving me of all possibility of belief。
I felt the same about the celebration of the chief holidays。
To remember the Sabbath； that is to devote one day to God； was
something I could understand。 But the chief holiday was in
commemoration of the Resurrection； the reality of which I could not
picture to myself or understand。 And that name of 〃Resurrection〃
was also given the weekly holiday。 ＇Footnote： In Russia Sunday
was called Resurrection…day。 A。 M。＇ And on those days the
Sacrament of the Eucharist was administered； which was quite
unintelligible to me。 The rest of the twelve great holidays；
except Christmas； commemorated miracles the things I tried not
to think about in order not to deny： the Ascension； Pentecost；
Epiphany； the Feast of the Intercession of the Holy Virgin； etc。
At the celebration of these holidays； feeling that importance was
being attributed to the very things that to me presented a negative
importance； I either devised tranquillizing explanations or shut my
eyes in order not to see what tempted me。
Most of all this happened to me when taking part in the most
usual Sacraments； which are considered the most important： baptism
and communion。 There I encountered not incomprehensible but fully
comprehensible doings： doings which seemed to me to lead into
temptation； and I was in a dilemma whether to lie or to reject
them。
Never shall I forge the painful feeling I experienced the day
I received the Eucharist for the first time after many years。 The
service； confession； and prayers were quite intelligible and
produced in me a glad consciousness that the meaning of life w