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answer would be perfectly correct； but only as applied to himself。
What if I am such a madman？ What if all we rich and leisured
people are such madmen？ and I understood that we really are such
madmen。 I at any rate was certainly such。
And indeed a bird is so made that it must fly； collect food；
and build a nest； and when I see that a bird does this I have
pleasure in its joy。 A goat； a hare； and a wolf are so made that
they must feed themselves； and must breed and feed their family；
and when they do so I feel firmly assured that they are happy and
that their life is a reasonable one。 then what should a man do？
He too should produce his living as the animals do； but with this
difference； that he will perish if he does it alone； he must obtain
it not for himself but for all。 And when he does that； I have a
firm assurance that he is happy and that his life is reasonable。
But what had I done during the whole thirty years of my responsible
life？ Far from producing sustenance for all； I did not even
produce it for myself。 I lived as a parasite； and on asking
myself； what is the use of my life？ I got the reply： 〃No use。〃 If
the meaning of human life lies in supporting it； how could I who
for thirty years had been engaged not on supporting life but on
destroying it in myself and in others how could I obtain any
other answer than that my life was senseless and an evil？ 。。。 It
was both senseless and evil。
The life of the world endures by someone's will by the life
of the whole world and by our lives someone fulfills his purpose。
To hope to understand the meaning of that will one must first
perform it by doing what is wanted of us。 But if I will not do
what is wanted of me； I shall never understand what is wanted of
me； and still less what is wanted of us all and of the whole world。
If a naked； hungry beggar has been taken from the cross…roads；
brought into a building belonging to a beautiful establishment；
fed； supplied with drink； and obliged to move a handle up and down；
evidently； before discussing why he was taken； why he should move
the handle； and whether the whole establishment is reasonably
arranged the begger should first of all move the handle。 If he
moves the handle he will understand that it works a pump； that the
pump draws water and that the water irrigates the garden beds； then
he will be taken from the pumping station to another place where he
will gather fruits and will enter into the joy of his master； and；
passing from lower to higher work； will understand more and more of
the arrangements of the establishment； and taking part in it will
never think of asking why he is there； and will certainly not
reproach the master。
So those who do his will； the simple； unlearned working folk；
whom we regard as cattle； do not reproach the master； but we； the
wise； eat the master's food but do not do what the master wishes；
and instead of doing it sit in a circle and discuss： 〃Why should
that handle be moved？ Isn't it stupid？〃 So we have decided。 We
have decided that the master is stupid； or does not exist； and that
we are wise； only we feel that we are quite useless and that we
must somehow do away with ourselves。
XII
The consciousness of the error in reasonable knowledge helped
me to free myself from the temptation of idle ratiocination。 the
conviction that knowledge of truth can only be found by living led
me to doubt the rightness of my life； but I was saved only by the
fact that I was able to tear myself from my exclusiveness and to
see the real life of the plain working people； and to understand
that it alone is real life。 I understood that if I wish to
understand life and its meaning； I must not live the life of a
parasite； but must live a real life； and taking the meaning
given to live by real humanity and merging myself in that life
verify it。
During that time this is what happened to me。 During that
whole year； when I was asking myself almost every moment whether I
should not end matters with a noose or a bullet all that time；
together with the course of thought and observation about which I
have spoken； my heart was oppressed with a painful feeling； which
I can only describe as a search for God。
I say that that search for God was not reasoning； but a
feeling； because that search proceeded not from the course of my
thoughts it was even directly contrary to them but proceeded
from the heart。 It was a feeling of fear； orphanage； isolation in
a strange land； and a hope of help from someone。
Though I was quite convinced of the impossibility of proving
the existence of a Deity （Kant had shown； and I quite understood
him； that it could not be proved）； I yet sought for god； hoped that
I should find Him； and from old habit addressed prayers to that
which I sought but had not found。 I went over in my mind the
arguments of Kant and Schopenhauer showing the impossibility of
proving the existence of a God； and I began to verify those
arguments and to refute them。 Cause； said I to myself； is not a
category of thought such as are Time and Space。 If I exist； there
must be some cause for it； and a cause of causes。 And that first
cause of all is what men have called 〃God〃。 And I paused on that
thought； and tried with all my being to recognize the presence of
that cause。 And as soon as I acknowledged that there is a force in
whose power I am； I at once felt that I could live。 But I asked
myself： What is that cause； that force？ How am I to think of it？
What are my relations to that which I call 〃God〃？ And only the
familiar replies occurred to me： 〃He is the Creator and
Preserver。〃 This reply did not satisfy me； and I felt I was losing
within me what I needed for my life。 I became terrified and began
to pray to Him whom I sought； that He should help me。 But the more
I prayed the more apparent it became to me that He did not hear me；
and that there was no one to whom to address myself。 And with
despair in my heart that there is no God at all； I said： 〃Lord；
have mercy； save me！ Lord； teach me！〃 But no one had mercy on me；
and I felt that my life was coming to a standstill。
But again and again； from various sides； I returned to the
same conclusion that I could not have come into the world without
any cause or reason or meaning； I could not be such a fledgling
fallen from its nest as I felt myself to be。 Or； granting that I
be such； lying on my back crying in the high grass； even then I cry
because I know that a mother has borne me within her； has hatched
me； warmed me； fed me； and loved me。 Where is she that mother？
If I have been deserted； who has deserted me？ I cannot hide from
myself that someone bored me； loving me。 Who was that someone？
Again 〃God〃？ He knows and sees my searching； my despair； and my
struggle。〃
〃He exists；〃 said I to myself。 And I had only for an instant
to admit that； and at once life rose within me； and I felt the
possibility and joy of being。 But again； from the admission of the
existence of a God I went on to seek my relation with Him； and
again I imagined *that* God our Creator in Three Persons who
sent His Son； the Saviour and again *that* God； detached from
the world and from me； melted like a block of ice； melted before my
eyes； and again nothing remained； and again the spring of life
dried up within me； and I despaired and felt that I had nothing to
do but to kill myself。 And the worst of all was； that I felt I
could not do it。
Not twice or three times； but tens and hundreds of times； I
reached those conditions； first of joy and animation； and then of
despair and consciousness of the impossibility of living。
I remember that it was in early spring： I was alone in the
wood listening to its sounds。 I listened and thought ever of the
same thing； as I had constantly done during those last three