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If he did not believe that one must live for something； he would
not live。 If he does not see and recognize the illusory nature of
the finite； he believes in the finite； if he understands the
illusory nature of the finite； he must believe in the infinite。
Without faith he cannot live。
And I recalled the whole course of my mental labour and was
horrified。 It was now clear to me that for man to be able to live
he must either not see the infinite； or have such an explanation of
the meaning of life as will connect the finite with the infinite。
Such an explanation I had had； but as long as I believed in the
finite I did not need the explanation； and I began to verify it by
reason。 And in the light of reason the whole of my former
explanation flew to atoms。 But a time came when I ceased to
believe in the finite。 And then I began to build up on rational
foundations； out of what I knew； an explanation which would give a
meaning to life； but nothing could I build。 Together with the best
human intellects I reached the result that o equals o； and was much
astonished at that conclusion； though nothing else could have
resulted。
What was I doing when I sought an answer in the experimental
sciences？ I wished to know why I live； and for this purpose
studied all that is outside me。 Evidently I might learn much； but
nothing of what I needed。
What was I doing when I sought an answer in philosophical
knowledge？ I was studying the thoughts of those who had found
themselves in the same position as I； lacking a reply to the
question 〃why do I live？〃 Evidently I could learn nothing but what
I knew myself； namely that nothing can be known。
What am I？ A part of the infinite。 In those few words lies
the whole problem。
Is it possible that humanity has only put that question to
itself since yesterday？ And can no one before me have set himself
that question a question so simple； and one that springs to the
tongue of every wise child？
Surely that question has been asked since man began； and
naturally for the solution of that question since man began it has
been equally insufficient to compare the finite with the finite and
the infinite with the infinite； and since man began the relation of
the finite to the infinite has been sought out and expressed。
All these conceptions in which the finite has been adjusted to
the infinite and a meaning found for life the conception of God；
of will； of goodness we submit to logical examination。 And all
those conceptions fail to stand reason's criticism。
Were it not so terrible it would be ludicrous with what pride
and self…satisfaction we； like children； pull the watch to pieces；
take out the spring； make a toy of it； and are then surprised that
the watch does not go。
A solution of the contradiction between the finite and the
infinite； and such a reply to the question of life as will make it
possible to live； is necessary and precious。 And that is the only
solution which we find everywhere； always； and among all peoples：
a solution descending from times in which we lose sight of the life
of man； a solution so difficult that we can compose nothing like it
and this solution we light…heartedly destroy in order again to
set the same question； which is natural to everyone and to which we
have no answer。
The conception of an infinite god； the divinity of the soul；
the connexion of human affairs with God； the unity and existence of
the soul； man's conception of moral goodness and evil are
conceptions formulated in the hidden infinity of human thought；
they are those conceptions without which neither life nor I should
exist； yet rejecting all that labour of the whole of humanity； I
wished to remake it afresh myself and in my own manner。
I did not then think like that； but the germs of these
thoughts were already in me。 I understood； in the first place；
that my position with Schopenhauer and Solomon； notwithstanding our
wisdom； was stupid： we see that life is an evil and yet continue
to live。 That is evidently stupid； for if life is senseless and I
am so fond of what is reasonable； it should be destroyed； and then
there would be no one to challenge it。 Secondly； I understood that
all one's reasonings turned in a vicious circle like a wheel out of
gear with its pinion。 However much and however well we may reason
we cannot obtain a reply to the question； and o will always equal
o； and therefore our path is probably erroneous。 Thirdly； I began
to understand that in the replies given by faith is stored up the
deepest human wisdom and that I had no right to deny them on the
ground of reason； and that those answers are the only ones which
reply to life's question。
X
I understood this； but it made matters no better for me。 I
was now ready to accept any faith if only it did not demand of me
a direct denial of reason which would be a falsehood。 And I
studied Buddhism and Mohammedanism from books； and most of all I
studied Christianity both from books and from the people around me。
Naturally I first of all turned to the orthodox of my circle；
to people who were learned： to Church theologians； monks； to
theologians of the newest shade； and even to Evangelicals who
profess salvation by belief in the Redemption。 And I seized on
these believers and questioned them as to their beliefs and their
understanding of the meaning of life。
But though I made all possible concessions； and avoided all
disputes； I could not accept the faith of these people。 I saw that
what they gave out as their faith did not explain the meaning of
life but obscured it； and that they themselves affirm their belief
not to answer that question of life which brought me to faith； but
for some other aims alien to me。
I remember the painful feeling of fear of being thrown back
into my former state of despair； after the hope I often and often
experienced in my intercourse with these people。
The more fully they explained to me their doctrines； the more
clearly did I perceive their error and realized that my hope of
finding in their belief an explanation of the meaning of life was
vain。
It was not that in their doctrines they mixed many unnecessary
and unreasonable things with the Christian truths that had always
been near to me： that was not what repelled me。 I was repelled by
the fact that these people's lives were like my own； with only this
difference that such a life did not correspond to the principles
they expounded in their teachings。 I clearly felt that they
deceived themselves and that they； like myself found no other
meaning in life than to live while life lasts； taking all one's
hands can seize。 I saw this because if they had had a meaning
which destroyed the fear of loss； suffering； and death； they would
not have feared these things。 But they； these believers of our
circle； just like myself； living in sufficiency and superfluity；
tried to increase or preserve them； feared privations； suffering；
and death； and just like myself and all of us unbelievers； lived to
satisfy their desires； and lived just as badly； if not worse； than
the unbelievers。
No arguments could convince me of the truth of their faith。
Only deeds which showed that they saw a meaning in life making what
was so dreadful to me poverty； sickness； and death not
dreadful to them； could convince me。 And such deeds I did not see
among the various believers in our circle。 On the contrary； I saw
such deeds done ＇Footnote： this passage is noteworthy as being one
of the few references made by Tolstoy at this period to the
revolutionary or 〃Back…to…the…People〃 movement； in which many young
men and women were risking and sacrificing home； property； and life
itself from motives which had much in common with his own
perception that the upper layers of Society are parasit