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loves。 But if she is a mother how can she love you so？〃
〃Dear saint；〃 I answered； 〃I must be less moved than I am now； before
I can explain to you how it is that you soar victoriously above her。
She is a woman of earth； the daughter of decaying races； you are the
child of heaven； an angel worthy of worship； you have my heart； she my
flesh only。 She knows this and it fills her with despair； she would
change parts with you even though the cruellest martyrdom were the
price of the change。 But all is irremediable。 To you the soul； to you
the thoughts； the love that is pure； to you youth and old age； to her
the desires and joys of passing passion； to you remembrance forever；
to her oblivion〃
〃Tell me； tell me that again； oh； my friend！〃 she turned to a bench
and sat down； bursting into tears。 〃If that be so； Felix； virtue；
purity of life； a mother's love； are not mistakes。 Oh； pour that balm
upon my wounds！ Repeat the words which bear me back to heaven； where
once I longed to rise with you。 Bless me by a look； by a sacred word；
I forgive you for the sufferings you have caused me the last two
months。〃
〃Henriette； there are mysteries in the life of men of which you know
nothing。 I met you at an age when the feelings of the heart stifle the
desires implanted in our nature； but many scenes； the memory of which
will kindle my soul to the hour of death； must have told you that this
age was drawing to a close； and it was your constant triumph still to
prolong its mute delights。 A love without possession is maintained by
the exasperation of desire； but there comes a moment when all is
suffering within usfor in this we have no resemblance to you。 We
possess a power we cannot abdicate； or we cease to be men。 Deprived of
the nourishment it needs； the heart feeds upon itself； feeling an
exhaustion which is not death； but which precedes it。 Nature cannot
long be silenced； some trifling accident awakens it to a violence that
seems like madness。 No； I have not loved； but I have thirsted in the
desert。〃
〃The desert！〃 she said bitterly； pointing to the valley。 〃Ah！〃 she
exclaimed； 〃how he reasons！ what subtle distinctions！ Faithful hearts
are not so learned。〃
〃Henriette；〃 I said； 〃do not quarrel with me for a chance expression。
No； my soul has not vacillated； but I have not been master of my
senses。 That woman is not ignorant that you are the only one I ever
loved。 She plays a secondary part in my life； she knows it and is
resigned。 I have the right to leave her as men leave courtesans。〃
〃And then？〃
〃She tells me that she will kill herself；〃 I answered； thinking that
this resolve would startle Henriette。 But when she heard it a
disdainful smile； more expressive than the thoughts it conveyed；
flickered on her lips。 〃My dear conscience；〃 I continued； 〃if you
would take into account my resistance and the seductions that led to
my fall you would understand the fatal〃
〃Yes； fatal！〃 she cried。 〃I believed in you too much。 I believed you
capable of the virtue a priest practises。 All is over；〃 she continued；
after a pause。 〃I owe you much； my friend； you have extinguished in me
the fires of earthly life。 The worst of the way is over； age is coming
on。 I am ailing now； soon I may be ill； I can never be the brilliant
fairy who showers you with favors。 Be faithful to Lady Dudley。
Madeleine； whom I was training to be yours； ah！ who will have her now？
Poor Madeleine； poor Madeleine！〃 she repeated； like the mournful
burden of a song。 〃I would you had heard her say to me when you came：
'Mother； you are not kind to Felix！' Dear creature！〃
She looked at me in the warm rays of the setting sun as they glided
through the foliage。 Seized with compassion for the shipwreck of our
lives she turned back to memories of our pure past； yielding to
meditations which were mutual。 We were silent； recalling past scenes；
our eyes went from the valley to the fields； from the windows of
Clochegourde to those of Frapesle； peopling the dream with my
bouquets； the fragrant language of our desires。 It was her last hour
of pleasure； enjoyed with the purity of her Catholic soul。 This scene；
so grand to each of us； cast its melancholy on both。 She believed my
words； and saw where I placed herin the skies。
〃My friend；〃 she said； 〃I obey God； for his hand is in all this。〃
I did not know until much later the deep meaning of her words。 We
slowly returned up the terraces。 She took my arm and leaned upon it
resignedly； bleeding still； but with a bandage on her wound。
〃Human life is thus；〃 she said。 〃What had Monsieur de Mortsauf done to
deserve his fate？ It proves the existence of a better world。 Alas； for
those who walk in happier ways！〃
She went on； estimating life so truly； considering its diverse aspects
so profoundly that these cold judgments revealed to me the disgust
that had come upon her for all things here below。 When we reached the
portico she dropped my arm and said these last words： 〃If God has
given us the sentiment and the desire for happiness ought he not to
take charge himself of innocent souls who have found sorrow only in
this low world？ Either that must be so； or God is not； and our life is
no more than a cruel jest。〃
She entered and turned the house quickly； I found her on the sofa；
crouching； as though blasted by the voice which flung Saul to the
ground。
〃What is the matter？〃 I asked。
〃I no longer know what is virtue；〃 she replied； 〃I have no
consciousness of my own。〃
We were silent； petrified； listening to the echo of those words which
fell like a stone cast into a gulf。
〃If I am mistaken in my life SHE is right in HERS；〃 Henriette said at
last。
Thus her last struggle followed her last happiness。 When the count
came in she complained of illness； she who never complained。 I
conjured her to tell me exactly where she suffered； but she refused to
explain and went to bed； leaving me a prey to unending remorse。
Madeleine went with her mother； and the next day I heard that the
countess had been seized with nausea； caused； she said； by the violent
excitements of that day。 Thus I； who longed to give my life for hers；
I was killing her。
〃Dear count；〃 I said to Monsieur de Mortsauf； who obliged me to play
backgammon； 〃I think the countess very seriously ill。 There is still
time to save her； pray send for Origet； and persuade her to follow his
advice。〃
〃Origet； who half killed me？〃 cried the count。 〃No； no； I'll consult
Carbonneau。〃
During this week； especially the first days of it； everything was
anguish to methe beginning of paralysis of the heartmy vanity was
mortified； my soul rent。 One must needs have been the centre of all
looks and aspirations； the mainspring of the life about him； the torch
from which all others drew their light； to understand the horror of
the void that was now about me。 All things were there； the same； but
the spirit that gave life to them was extinct； like a blown…out flame。
I now understood the desperate desire of lovers never to see each
other again when love has flown。 To be nothing where we were once so
much！ To find the chilling silence of the grave where life so lately
sparkled！ Such comparisons are overwhelming。 I came at last to envy
the dismal ignorance of all happiness which had darkened my youth。 My
despair became so great that the countess； I thought； felt pity for
it。 One day after dinner as we were walking on the meadows beside the
river I made a last effort to obtain forgiveness。 I told Jacques to go
on with his sister； and leaving the count to walk alone； I took
Henriette to the punt。
〃Henriette；〃 I said； 〃one word of forgiveness； or I fling myself into
the Indre！ I have sinned；yes； it is true； but am I not like a dog in
his faithful attachments？ I return like him； like him ashamed。 If he
does wrong he is struck； but he loves the hand that strikes him；
strike me； bruise me； but give me back your heart。〃
〃Poor child；〃 she said； 〃are you not always my son？〃
She took my arm and silently rejoined her children； with whom she
returned to Clochegourde； leaving me to the count； who began to talk
politics apropos of his neighbors。
〃Let us go in；〃 I said； 〃you are bare…headed； a